Top Ten Reasons Why I Want to be a Woman

10. The Glass Ceiling
Everyone knows that management jobs give you ulcers. That's why women live longer. Forty-three percent of the executive, administrative and managerial occupations are held by women, but they account for less than 5 percent of the top executive positions. And if they're smart, they'll keep it that way.

9. The Lack of Respect
Most of what I have to say is worthless, but people still listen to me because I'm a man. If I were a woman I wouldn't have to worry about wasting peoples time with stupid remarks; they wouldn't pay any attention to me anyway.

8. Inadequate Representation
It makes sense that only 13% of the Senate and 13.8% of the House are women. Since a woman's place is in the home, most of them realize that men do a better job of representing them. If I were a woman, why would I want to be one of them? Men are doing such a great job running the country anyway. Don't you think?

7. The Stigma of Dating Someone Younger
Dating younger women is a waste. Dating someone twenty years younger than me is such a turn-off. I'd much rather be stared at because the man I'm with is twenty years older…and has money.

6. Getting Pregnant
Oh God how I want to get pregnant. To have a fetus shove my liver up into my spleen and feel the thrill of my bladder being squished, throwing up every morning, and then having my vagina ripped apart by the head of a child who can't wait to tell me I'm a cold-hearted bitch who never loved him. Pregnancy is such a blessing

5. Being Objectified
Let's face it; men don't appreciate each other the way they appreciate women. They know their value. So why wouldn't a man want to be one? It's a lot easier to get a makeover than it is to compete with the other guys over who's got the hottest arm candy.

4. The Ritual Clitorechtomy
Now there's a treat. It beats circumcision all to hell. But since I'm in a "civilized" country and can't get one, I'll settle for a hysterectomy or at least, a radical mastectomy. Doctors (mostly men) love doing those and I'd be totally honored to be among the women chosen to have one.

3. The Sexual Harassment
How about it? It's something a guy only dreams of-being harassed by the opposite sex; having your ass pinched or breast fondled. I can't wait.

2. The Pay
If I can make about 70% of what I'm making now I know I'll be better off. Having discretionary income is such a bother. When I'm a woman I can slip into a lower tax bracket and find a man to buy me drinks and take me to dinner and not even have to report it on my income tax.

1. The Abuse
This has to be the best part. When I was a kid my father used to slap me around; sometimes for no reason at all, and I really miss that. (I was raised Catholic, but I wasn't lucky enough to have a priest who found me attractive.) Women are so lucky. 1.2 million of them are forcibly raped one or more times each year and 2 million to 4 million US women are assaulted by a domestic partner every year. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

So there you have it. And believe me, there are a lot more reasons I could add, stuff like getting to wear shoes that make your arches fall by the time you're thirty and still being expected to do the housework and take care of the kids even if you do get a job, but Top Ten lists are the rage. I just hope I don't start a trend.