Jennifer Mahoney
The story so far: I'm a professor at a New England college, married, with two small children. I've been moving through transition since January 2000 - through all the familiar steps - therapy, couples counseling, hormones, electrolysis, and so on. My partner and I have done a good job on working together and keeping our family close. I've had "the big talk" with most of my friends. I taught my last class as "John" in mid May, and for the last month or so I've been preparing for a series of talks with folks at work.
As of today, June 13th, those talks are all but completed. I wanted to write a little bit about how I broke the news, and what the reaction has been.
I began my final coming out by writing a series of documents, including a "coming out" letter. I also prepared a memo for the senior staff of the college, concerning "gender, transition, and the workplace." I kept the personal letter succinct and free of any grief. I kept the memo to senior staff full of confidence and clarity of purpose.
At the end of May I began meeting with everyone that I wanted to hear "the news" from me, personally. I made a list of everyone that I knew at work, and decided whether I wanted to meet with them in person, or whether a personal letter would work best. I met with my Department Chair, Program Head, and the Dept. secretary first, followed, one by one, by about twenty other colleagues that I'm close to.
I also ordered ten copies of "True Selves" from Amazon.com and handed them out to the key people as I met with them.
Perhaps this is needless to say, but I also met each of these folks as John, not Jenny. It is important I think, that people get the news from the person they know. I did have several pretty good pictures of me to show them, and, not unimportantly, these pictures were of me looking professional and "normal," and were of me with my entire family.
I am pleased to report that every single one of these folks reacted to my news with compassion, support, and love. I can honestly say that I expected things to go well-- after all, I'd done my homework, and in addition, I work at a college where respect for diversity and human struggle is one of our primary concerns. And yet, it is different when it's reality, not theory. In other words, I thought things would go well, but never did I dream that they would go as well as they've gone so far.
The most important meeting I had was with the college President. I'd set this up a month ago, and made it clear when I scheduled the meeting that I needed at least an hour of his time, and that it was not a "casual" meeting. Thus, by the time I got to see him, I had his full attention.
Here's how I talked about being a transsexual with him, and with most of the other top administrators: 1) I started out by talking about them, about the respect I have for each of them in the jobs they've done, 2) then said that I was transgendered, then 3) took a moment to explain what "transgendered" means-- (most folks only have a vague--and frequently wrong-- view of what this is about). 4) I then explained where I was in transition, and what the Benjamin Standards are, 5) what will be happening for me in the next year, and 6) how this will affect the college. I concluded by speaking about my family, briefly, and lastly by mentioning specifically how they could help. (Mostly through little things, like assuring me that this is a non-issue as far as the college is concerned. I also requested that they do what they can to begin using the right name and pronouns.)
I wish that every reader of TG Forum could have ridden around on my shoulder as I've had these talks. I think that as TSs, we internalize all sorts of self-hatred and shame. As it turns out, not a single person--(and some of the folks I spoke to are quite conservative-- one has even been elected a Republican Congressman--) expressed anything other than respect and support. The sky did not fall. Life goes on.
A few lessons from my journey so far: First, it helps if you do your homework. If you're able to make your presentation with confidence, dignity, and humor, you really will leave people with very little alternative but to support you; remember you're not going in there to ask these people for their permission, or even their blessings-- you're going in there to explain reality, and to reassure people that you will continue to be the person you've always been, and that you will continue to do your job well, and to carry yourself with dignity, self-respect, and humor. People are also generally assured if you let them know you've been working with your team-- an endocrinologist, a family doctor, a gender specialist, a social worker. Talking about the Benjamin Standards is helpful too; again, you want to give the impression you're proceeding with care.
Secondly, it helps if you've transitioned slowly and gradually. People at work have seen me changing slowly over the last year, and while most of them haven't guessed I'm shifting genders, everyone's noticed something, and in fact, have been worried about me. As one person said, "We're so glad it's only that you're a woman, we were afraid it was something serious."
Third, it helps to set up your meetings well in advance, and to let people know it is about something serious. This means they're prepared for complex news.
Fourth, it helps to go in to your meetings with lots of paperwork (people love the idea that you've written something specifically for them) and additional resources for them to pursue if they want. I set up a web page with additional links to all the good TG resources on the web that I'm aware of. I also had a friend who's known about me for some time write an essay about "Encountering Jennifer Mahoney." Because he is a well known poet, as well as a senior member of the faculty, this provided an additional aura of stability and support.
Anyway. This morning, as soon as I finish typing this in fact, I am going to send an email to about 100 members of the faculty and staff-- not everybody, but the people I know and care about. That email will say "an imporant message is coming", again, just to get their "heads up." Then on the way to work I will drop 100 letters in the mail, already stamped, signed, and addressed. The letters will arrive at peoples' homes tomorrow.
And after that, Jennifer Mahoney is out, once and for all.
I have three more meetings today. One with the dean of students, one with another member of the faculty, and a follow-up meeting with the head of pesonnel. But the dam has essentially broken.
All of this has taken a lot of planning and care. With any luck, I will be able to take as much of my life as John into my new life as Jenny as is possible.
I'll close this with one response I got from a friend. I think it is typical of peoples' reactions. This is someone who is overseas right now, who I had to come out to via a letter. He is a senior member of the faculty, and someone that I was relatively certain had never had to deal with transgender issues before.
Dear Jenny,
Thank you for your eloquent letter. I was totally surprised, partly because I'm just a wee bit dense and probably also too self-centered to see when my friends are troubled unless they are wailing and gnashing their teeth. Barbara had noticed that for a year or so you haven't seemed like your old self, and sensed that something was troubling you. I guess if I saw anything amiss I just attributed it to the frustrations inherent in writing.
Anyway, I'm glad you have taken the step you have--it's courageous. You needn't fear that you won't have our support and our continued love. After all, you're the same J. Mahoney--a somewhat different wrapper but the same contents. I know that all will not be smooth sailing for the next year or so as you and everyone around you adjusts to the news, and Barbara and I will do whatever we can to help.
Now let's talk about fishing. I'll give you a ring not long after we get back on the 9th of July and we'll scare some perch.
Love,
Tom
I will conclude this series next month with the final reactions of others to the letter that gets sent out today. In the meantime, I want to wish all of you courage, peace, and strength.
Jenny Mahoney is an author and a professor who lives in New Hampshire. You can email her at Jenny19999@aol.com.
