The Saturday night before I was to deliver what I hoped would be an enlightening message at IFGE's Atlanta Action '95, I sat on the front porch of Dallas Denny's home without a clue as to what I should say. I sat in the quiet peacefulness of the night praying and listening for a revelation, bur nothing came other than the cool light from the stars and moon.
Early the next morning I returned to the porch for more meditation and hopefully some inspiration. But now the peace of night was gone, The sky was filled with a cool yellow light and the air was filled with the morning sounds of people rushing to work.
Unexpectedly, that which I sought came to me. God spoke. Not in an audible voice, but powerful just the same. There is a place for darkness and a place for light, the mere existence of one does not destroy the other. Each complements the other and if you look you can find beauty in both. However, it was the twilight which spoke so powerfully to me. It is this place in time when the birds can be heard singing. and it's the twilight where the resting flowers open their faces to greet the day. Suddenly I realized that we are like the twilight, neither night nor day. We are that perfect mixture of each where the birds can sing and the flowers open.
This revelation is important to me because I have always tried to find my place in the world. I read all the writings about gender people in history and I felt better. But something was still missing. I am more than just a part of the gender community. I am part of the dawn. Without the dawn there can be no morning. It takes all parts to make the day complete and it takes us, just as we are , to make humanity complete. We are indisputably a part of the greater humanity. And humanity has always sought it's place and purpose in the universe.
I now know that I am no accident. I have a place and a purpose. My problem is that I have always been in conflict with that purpose. I wanted to be the day and when I could not, I wanted to become the night. I was never content until I accepted myself as what God made me, a transsexual, neither night nor day, but a part of the dawn where the birds sing and the flowers open.
I was like an old car I used to have. It was my car. I could do whatever I wanted to do with it. It was mine. When the price of gasoline rose to more than $1.10 per gallon, I decided that I wasn't going to put it in my car anymore. I filled it with water. Do you know what happened? It didn't run. Why not? It was my car! The answer is obvious. The car was not designed to run on water. It was designed to run on gasoline.
I fear that many people in our community are like I was, and like my car, they can not function properly. We can change our appearance and our actions, but we cannot change what we are. To do so prevents us from functioning properly.
I am transsexual, I cannot function at my best as either a male or female. And if I am transsexual I should not be expected to. It is no surprise to me that the general public is a afraid of us. We hide in or male and female roles like we have done something wrong just by being ourselves. Until we are willing to accept ourselves as we are, unique and diverse, we will find no peace. I do not know why I am what I am. Understanding is not always possible, but simple acceptance is. Acceptance of what you and your neighbor are is the first step to completeness.
I have a good friend here with whom I disagree on many topics, but I accept her for what she is. We agree to disagree. If we cannot accept and embrace the diversity among our own people, how can we expect the rest of the world to accept us? We must learn to accept ourselves just as we are created to be. To embrace the dawn and join the rest of the day.
