A recent question arose in my favorite email group that made me consider the idea of our emotional needs related to our outward appearance. Since I am currently forming my own ideas, consider these as “grist for the mill”.

Certain needs are so basic we hardly question them in our lives. Food, water, air to breathe, shelter are all fundamental human needs we must have to survive. Our emotional needs cover a broader and more complex terrain.

The question posed was: ‘Do any of the girls here enjoy dressing up like little girls? Such as the frilly type toddler girls wear? I have an enjoyment for this. Just wondered if I’m alone in this group.’

One basic lesson I am learning as a part of a support group is to be generous in opening up my heart to the needs of others. It is easy to be so self absorbed in our own perspective to close out others and label their needs as too different or strange to give them a place in our lives. The fear of such rejection by others is what drives us into the closet and cripples us. Our self worth is damaged and we wonder if these others are right. “Maybe I am of little worth”, we think. “I must be unable to contribute anything of value to another person. If they only knew what I REALLY wanted, I would be laughed at, ridiculed as peculiar or even sick.” How tragic!

Of course, one serious problem lies in having to draw some line to determine if our needs are truly a positive benefit for us or are they harmful. It may sound like it but I am not moving into a judgement mode. However, many individuals use the argument of ‘meeting their need’ to engage in some fairly perverse activities, harming others in the process. The child molestation crisis in the Catholic priesthood is an example of the physical and emotional need to love and be loved turned horribly wrong.

I wrote last time about labels and their effect on us. ‘Fetishistic’ cross-dresser is a label used to describe how some people meet their needs by dressing with certain types of clothing or objects, or with a distinct image or persona that brings pleasure...sexual, emotional or a combination (my paraphrase, not a clinical definition).

Cross-dressing is an ‘action’. It is the act of dressing as a different gender than your birth chromosomes or sexual organs would commonly ‘dictate’. A ‘cross-dresser’ is a person who engages in that activity for whatever reason. Once a person determines their gender identity to be either male, female or a combination, dressing to match that becomes less an activity of crossing over. It is in that realm that I believe the transgendered individual is traveling. What they are doing is actually ‘matchdressing’, to coin a phrase. We match our outer appearance to how we see ourselves inwardly. Surely cross-dressing can bring pleasure to the one doing it for its own sake. That is where the idea of dressing for the emotional and physical pleasure comes in. Acting out roles which match our inner fantasies, yearnings and desires can be helpful to us, but only if we recognize the fleeting nature of the pleasure derived from that activity. Most of us must return to “real life”. Even our GG sisters have to take off the ball gown and return to jeans and a T-shirt once the dance is done! But it is that return to the other reality that can cause tension, depression and even hopelessness. So what is the answer?

Fulfillment in life seems to come more from giving than getting. Here I turn to my own life. My priorities are God, wife, children, job and service to others. Whether I am en femme or not, these are my motivations. Whenever I get caught up in focusing on ME, my needs become horrible task masters, driving me to obsess on “When can I dress next?”,“How will I look?”, “Will I be noticed and complemented?” It makes for an unattractive personality. All the makeup in the world cannot turn a sour selfish person into one who is attractive to others. I want to be a woman who is full of beauty, but ultimately that beauty comes from within, not from the outer appearance. My wife has been my role model for me in this. She glows from within, no matter what she is wearing, because she loves God, desires to help others and does so with such love. I wish I could be even a little like her in my walk with God.

What does all this have to do with that person’s question? I thinks it is that I advocate taking stock of our inner needs and see what is really behind them. You have the right to have them, but if you are seeking lasting satisfaction, you will never ultimately find it in the right style of high heel pumps (I am directly speaking to myself here!!), the perfect wig, the French maid’s outfit or the perfect formal gown. You won’t even find it in SRS, a complete transition and cosmetic surgery to make you look like a supermodel.

Consider meditating on and determining which life priorities will give you that deeper and lasting fulfilment. Then, whether you do it in a frilly costume, a dress, a pair of jeans and sneakers, or even in drab, you will find all of your activities will bring more happiness and joy.

Therefore, I encourage all of you to find a ‘Giving outlet’, a place or people with whom to share, to give and grow together, whether within a group or wherever you find yourself. We have a lot of opportunities in my own support group. I pray you find one, but wherever you do, do it with your whole heart.

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