Roxanne Ross
Why? It is the question we most want answered and yet cannot. My recent experiences have brought this constantly to the forefront of my mind.
When I am faced with something that is hard to explain to others, I struggle to find words, images and meaning that will give them a way to understand. Each time I try, it seems I rework the words to give greater clarity. But when it all boils down to the basics, we want to be accepted and loved for who we are, not why we are this way. The 'mechanics' of being a transgender person, as in the aspects of transforming ourselves, or the logistics of our complex life are often interesting or even titillating to the ones we expose ourselves, or sometimes it is appalling,. But it is our heartfelt needs that make us who we are, and communicating those are the most difficult. We only have our personal inner life as a basis for reality. Everyone else's inner life is a mystery. Surely in literature, the great expressive writers have given us glimpses into commonly shared human experiences. But when the experience is so diverse from the expected, finding common ground is incredibly hard to express in a successful way.
I recently came out to two people. One was my mother, the other my employer. The two experiences could not have been more different.
My mother reacted with horror and hysteria. In five hours of talking, I never felt I reached a point where she came even close to gaining understanding or even empathy. It was all about her. SHE had failed as a mother. HER life was over. It was truly a heart wrenching time. Since then she has moved into an almost surreal denial. It is her way of coping with the undesirable facts.
My boss reacted with interest, empathy and even openness to assist me. It was much more than I hoped for. Any future plans I may have, and I do not know what they are as I write this, are at least able to be discussed with a person who is acting rational and caring.
My mother wanted to know why this was happening to her. I could not answer that question even if it was a legitimate one to ask, which I believe it is not, but I understood her motivation. We want to find reasons because then maybe, just maybe, we can fix the 'problem', assess blame or avoid a repeat occurrence in the future. All human impulses, but they are not answerable. I am this way, and the why is a moot question. More relevant is "How do I now live in light of my situation?"
My boss never asked why. He gave me credit for giving him the truth as far as I was capable. It moved into the more relevant discussion of the "how, what, when, and where" questions naturally.
I hope to share more on my motivations and strategies of coming out in future articles. We are all different in our situations and desires, to say the least, and whatever may be my story can either communicate or not for your situation. However, discussing these experiences can help us find our own way in our journey.
View my homepage: Roxanne Ross
