Roxanne Ross
I was called at work on a Tuesday recently to come down to the Atlanta HQ of my firm for a special two day work session for an architecture project we are trying to win. I have not yet been to the main office of over 130 employees, but have had contact via email and phone with a number of people. The CEO and founder interviewed me for my Virginia position and we get along very well.
Frisky as I am to try new things, I decided to try flying en femme. This is another story in itself which I will digress to tell, but it is not the main reason for this article.
My first plane trip as a woman was actually quite uneventful. Going to Atlanta from Dulles Airport in DC, I was much more cautious. I dressed androgynously. I had on a sweater, slacks and flats. My long hair was not combed the femme way, and I had on no obvious makeup. Only my lack of beard and my long nails were female clues. Plus carrying my purse. (I had my briefcase and my overhead bag, with the purse able to fit in the briefcase for under the seat, not wanting to risk checking my bag going.) Actually, I looked about as casual as I ever do which was more in line with the majority of the travelers anyway!
I knew I'd have to show ID to someone at some point. So I went through the ticket counter and the first baggage examination, presenting my male drivers license. No issues were made at all!!They smiled and wished me a safe trip.. Once I got to the midfield terminal, I found a unisex single toilet room to change in. I did my makeup and hair and changed into a skirt and some low pumps. However, I have not flown since 9/11. I did not realize I'd have to show my ID at the gate! And did not know this until they began the boarding announcement. Hmmm, well, there was no time to change back, so I went in line with my driver's license in hand along with my Transgender Education Association identification card. It has my female picture, female and male name and my driver's license number on it. It was my only means of tying my persona to that bloated male photo on the license. When the woman at the gate looked at it, she only checked the name to the ticket. So I went on the plane with not a word or a second glance, but suffice it to say I am less than thrilled with the terrorist prevention techniques. Going on my trip, I was able to pass through three different showings of my license.
Returning home to Washington, I was even more bold (or foolish as the case may be). I went straight from my workplace, dressed again more professionally in a nice skirt and low heels, but full makeup this time. Another three times they checked my ID and not one word of protest or challenge. I was dumbfounded. Terrorists screening? It is amazing to me.
I guess I feel so natural and at ease it shows, and they just had no reason to question me. I realize very well I could have just been so extremely "lucky", that I will not be cocky about doing this ever again. A new DL picture may certainly help some, My name is so unusual that it just may not register for them to check the M or F box. Who knows?
Anyway, on arrival in Atlanta at 5:30 pm, I called the office to see it the woman I was to work with on the project could go to dinner with me. I planned to change at my hotel and meet her after. However she could not meet that evening and said we would meet in the morning. Fine, I thought, I'll just go to dinner on my own.
I got to my hotel, began checking in at the front desk. the lobby was one of those completely open spaces with the elevators, dining and lunge space all together. The check in person then gave me a message to call a number I did not recognize with no name attached. So I called it, and soon after my life changed forever...
"Hi, this is N-", the voice said. It was the CEO.
"Hi, I replied," and he then asked if I would like to join him for dinner.
"Sure," I said.
"Where are you?" I asked.
"I am about 10 seconds from the front door of your hotel"
Good Glorioski!! I turned and saw him entering the doors to my left. I quickly turned to the right and froze.
"Are you up to your room yet?" he asked.
"Uh, I am about on my way" I stuttered.
"Fine, I will be waiting in the lobby for you."
Well, I could not get to the elevators without passing by him. I realized in that instant my fear was to be discovered in a hiding or covert way. I began to move toward the elevators and then stopped.
"This is it." I thought. "God PLEASE help me!"
I went over to him, and he had by that time had his back to me. I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hi, N-, I think we need to talk."
He looked at me strangely, then the flash of recognition washed over his face. His eyes got big. then he said, "Yes, let's sit down."
By that time I was visibly shaking and I began to tell him that I had not ever meant to put he or the firm in a position of embarrassment or difficulty. As I groped for words, he stopped me.
"Calm down. Don't worry. You are fine. It is not a problem."
"What?" I said, unbelieving.
He repeated, "Calm down. Don't worry. You are fine. It is not a problem."
"You are kidding," I said shaking my head.
"No," he replied and then began the most amazing evening I have had since coming out three years ago.
"Would you like to go to dinner?" he asked.
"Like this?" I said.
"Sure."
Then the situation became one of almost surreal quality. "Well, I have something nicer to change into."
OK, all, stop laughing. I had assumed I might have evenings free and had packed some nice clothes. And it was a good thing. He ended up taking me to the most elegant country club in Atlanta where he is on the board of directors. I was glad I had a nice skirt and heels!
What followed would be too long to recount in all details but several things stood out.
Timing.
He had just seen the programs on NBC Dateline in the previous weeks that dealt with transsexuals, and also transition and family issues. He was fascinated by it and had much to say. Thank you, God! was all I could think.
Grace.
He was not only a gentleman, holding my chair, the door, ordering me a drink, etc., but he listened intently for over two hours as I shared my story. I discovered the extraordinary qualities of this man. He is dedicated to workplace diversity. He took in all I said and then commented on the crime it was to deny a person's right to be who they are. Wow!
Clarification.I asked him about the Human Resources manual's section on dress code, which had been my main concern prior to all this. He said, "It is not a problem." It seems that "Appropriate dress", the phrase used, was to give discretion to managers who felt the employees were not showing professional standards of presentation. Gender was not the issue.
Miracle.
He then told me...my job is not only NOT in jeopardy...I can come to work DRESSED ANY WAY WANT TO BE DRESSED!! He then told me how much more comfortable he was being with me as a woman. He admitted that he always felt I was hiding part of myself and could not understand it. It also answered his wondering about my long nails at my interview two and a half years ago. "It all makes sense now!" he exclaimed.
Then the topper... "How are you coming to work tomorrow?" he asked.
The rest is history. I ended up spending two days working as a woman with the most wonderful people. My performance in my contribution to the project got great compliments, so I added even more credibility to my ability to function as a woman professional. That entire time is worth a tale to tell, but this is enough for now.
What of the future? All I know is whatever I do, I am with a company I would now lay down my life for. Whether I EVER transition, I know have a peace of mind about the work issue that I never thought I would have.
Now pray for my wisdom in going from here. Many issues remain about family and other aspects of my life. But at least this part of the puzzle is in place if I choose to act.
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