Roxanne Ross
To reveal something can be either exhilarating or dreadful depending on the response one receives. The fact that we do not know for sure what the response will be often holds us back from opening up. There is a tremendous amount of power within keeping a secret, but it also uses up great inner resources to do so. The primary secret for the transgender is our identity. Who I REALLY am. Each one of us faces this question.
For some, it is acceptable to be hidden or secretive. Those people may have a life so full of difficult circumstances that the cost of exposing one's inner self is too terrible to consider. Better to hold it in and hope to make it through each day. For others, the burden of remaining concealed is too great. Like myself, years of hiding produces bitter fruit. Depression, loss of self worth, and a nagging fear of exposure are just a few of the results we may experience. When the price of hiding becomes too high when measured against these symptoms, we face the process of revealing ourselves.
Almost all transgender folk I know measure their lives from the point they began this revelation process. The before and the after are significant life stories. As a Christian, this self awareness and admission has a similar feel to it when you consider the moment we realize that we need God and give ourselves to Him. The before and after make up the 'conversion' experience, the 'testimony' of what a change has been made in our lives.
But one aspect of revelation is common to both becoming a believer and admitting one is transgender. It is an ongoing process of unveiling, learning and growth.
Simone de Beauvoir's quote, "One is not born a woman, but rather , becomes one", is very instructive. We are unique from the animal kingdom in that we are not primarily guided by inborn instinctual knowledge. Our lives are a progressive unfolding of truth. And it is not a smooth process by any means! Actually, the mistakes made and the lessons learned in them are vital to our growth.
So, revealing had two major meanings for us. First, we reach the point within ourselves that understands the needs and desires which help form our personal identity. When that process is hindered or stalled, we become angry or distressed. We need the foundational knowledge of who we are to give us firm footing in our growth as human beings. Working through to that point is hard work, and it often takes us years to face up to doing it. By then we have developed relationships, habits, obligations and entanglements that can seem insurmountable.
The second aspect is our willingness to share this self knowledge with others. And it is a fearful thing to face this important step if we are not sure how the revelation will be received!
So, why reveal at all? Would it not be easier to hold this all within. Don't rock the boat. Let sleeping dogs lie. Sacrifice yourself for the sake of others.
I am not able to definitively answer the question, "Should I tell others about my inner self?", for anyone else but me. However, you can look at the pros and cons and then give yourself the opportunity to make an informed choice. Not a risk-free choice, mind you, but one that has some real reason behind it, not ruled by fear or emotion.
These are just some of the questions I would propose you consider:
Can I continue on like I am and function well?
What are the probable consequences for remaining hidden or revealing?
Who is likely to be my biggest ally and my biggest enemy in the knowledge?
Do I have the emotional and spiritual resources to face a major life change?
If not, can I make changes in these areas first to arm myself for a future time of revelation?
What things do I really want from my life? Are these things more or less likely in my revealing myself?
For the Christian, do I have a good relationship with God that includes complete honesty about myself?
Is gender change my primary need or do I have other things which are more vital to my being blessed in this life?
Have I built into my personality and relationships for a future life that will be worth living as the other gender, or will I merely be compounding my problems with a change?
Am I willing to do what is right even in the face of opposition?
Now on to my final point. The act of revealing oneself can be a very positive experience. My own four years have been a progression of peeling back the layers of my life. As I have shared my transgender nature to some family, many friends, and co-workers, the majority of the times were amazing sessions of grace, encouragement and release. Some were very difficult, and these testings are the most instructive. How you take on the negative reactions is a good measure of your true feelings about your identity and how much you need to reinforce it outwardly. By that I mean how much of your public and private life you live as your preferred gender identity, or how far you go in changing your body to match it.
I keep coming back to the metaphor of 'journey' for this experience. Each step is taken with some understanding of what lies ahead, but with no assurance of where the path will lead. I encourage you to spend time in serious contemplation on questions like those above, to give you added guidance for your own sojourn.
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