As I write these words, I sit at work during lunch. People pass by, or stop to chat. I get phone calls, do my work. I got soup at the neighborhood diner next door where I am a regular. What is special about any of this? I am doing all of it as myself, as a woman. In some sense, the highs that I feel are beyond description, in the most casual and mundane of activities. To be normalized and accepted as female is quite overwhelming in its affect on my emotions and my self concept.

There is a converse situation to this experience.

For many people, the stories of transgender lives are ones of great challenge and struggle, fear and intimidation, loss, heartache and despair. These "lows" are very real. Tragically they are not uncommon. Closeted and alone, or exposed and rejected, there are many transfolk who have been misunderstood, maligned, abused and killed.

What are some of the reasons for this disparity? Are there discernable reasons or is it luck ? Is fate involved or bad choices? Is it out of our hands or very much in our control?

The main point I would make is that the most obvious of factors is the most visible of our issues...our physical appearance. Being recognized or acknowledged as our preferred gender identity is the most basic factor in a very shallow reality: do we look female or male enough to be unhindered or challenged as such?

If we do, then it is a matter of the details...how I want to spend my life and do my daily routine. If we do not, all else pales in significance. We face the fear of ridicule. We face the loss of job or family or health or even our life.

The insane frustration we feel is that society at large gives lip service to a principle that is totally ignored in our case: do not judge a person on the physical characteristics of that person.

"Do not look on the surface!" "Don't let anyone deny you something because you look different."

Well, some of us do look different. We don't fit the norms for our gender presentation, so we are marginalized or worse. What do we do about this frustration?

There is another side to this problem, and here I am treading on controversial ground.

Each of us has a physical body. It has mass, weight, height, shape, color, age, health, proportion, elasticity, reproductive systems, etc. This finite body of ours is raw material that can be molded into different looking models of humankind. It is one of the most common of human traits. People have used tattoos to foot binding, growing or shaving hair, diet and weight training, clothing and makeup and a thousand other methods to change the way our bodies look. So that is not unusual and it should not be a matter of great wonder if we pursue changes in our bodies.

Our particular problem is that the reasons for why and what we want to change touches a deep nerve in non gender variant people. Their assumptions are that gender is immutable and set from birth. Body alteration for transpeople is a means to refocus and align our inner self reality with our outer personal framework. This physical framework is our main means to function in the larger society. When it is out of kilter, so is our ability to function properly in that society. Compromises in the gender binary approach causes problems for many. Differences in our body presentation is often more acceptable in subcultures where a wide variance of human types is familiar. Urban areas are more likely to provide places of acceptance than rural ones, liberal subcultures more than conservative ones, creative environments rather than static ones.

So often one choice for the transperson is to relocate to friendlier climes. However, this is not always the issue most at hand.

What changes can you make that will allow you to function in a positive healthy way?

The pursuit of body alteration is the topic of much trans-angst and there are websites available for everything from contouring undergarments to massive plastic surgeries. Cost is an issue. Health concerns are factors in hormone changes and surgeries. These choices are full of complexities that are very daunting.

Rather than discuss in full the pros and cons of dozens of technical options for body alteration , I would rather discuss the factors that allow us to pursue changes of any type.

First, patience. Change does not occur quickly in this arena. In some cases it may take years of careful study and processes to make significant changes in our appearance. Taking the long view is paramount! We must be the tortoise, not the hare. Slow and steady wins the race. Unfortunately, many of us wait so long to begin the transformation process, we feel compelled to rush headlong into it. That can be a recipe for disaster. For the Christian, patience is not a virtue, it is the fruit of the Holy Spirit. It is tied to spiritual maturity and as such, is foundational in our life. One of the amazing things about my own journey is how many baby steps it took to get where I am. The reason is that for seven years I never stopped taking them! When you do it that way they add up, just like the power of compound interest.

Second, determination. Not giving up is crucial. You will have setbacks. We all face the potential for a retreat, and sometimes we must. But we must always move forward when at all possible.

Third, knowledge. I became an active student of feminine experience in my desire to be authentically female. No lesson was too complex, no question too trivial, no detail too small. Countless hours were devoted to learning the better or most feasible way to reach a goal. It took a measure of fanaticism to keep going, but I consistently added to my basic abilities, refined and honed and practiced. I pushed myself to do each aspect with greater skill and confidence. Books, websites, makeovers, classes, dry-runs, group activities were all involved. I wrote, read, tested and questioned constantly. The cumulative effect has been to establish my personhood within a female context and to remain steadfast in it.

Finally, and most important, confidence. I tell "newbies" that the most important thing you wear outside the house is your confidence. Nothing draws intense scrutiny or challenge than to be perceived as uncomfortable in your own skin! Confidence is a funny thing. We think it must be bedrock in reality. Have you heard of 'stage fright'? How many performers have you heard have this malady? A lot! The outward persona of confidence is often an act at the beginning of our outward journey. If you display the attitude of self assurance and confidence, others will assume you belong! A natural smile and meeting people in the eye are key factors in portraying confidence. Your stomach may be doing flip-flops, but they never need to know. The secret to reaching this level of confidence is the "baby step" approach.

Move slowly but steadily into the public arena by finding safe places to go and expand from there. Each person must discover what those places are for themselves. There are no shortcuts. It is the scariest aspect of moving outward in our practicing our confidence.

Practice makes perfect. You are behind your genetic sisters by decades of trial and error practice. There is little that is more important than your willingness to experiment, revise, and do over and over and over until you become skilled.

Bodies come in all shapes and sizes for both genders. You can look good. Watch any makeover show or What Not To Wear on the Learning channel.

You can do things that improve your looks that do not immediately raise red flags that you are a crossdresser! Teeth whitening, better diet and supplements, exercise and body toning, laser eye surgery, exfoliation, moisturizers, hair style, hair transplants, grooming and cleanliness are all gender neutral activities.

Moving to more visible changes that are noticed takes a commitment you will have to weigh. However there are transition changes you can plan for: electrolysis, longer hair and hair coloring, ear piercing, body shaving or laser, horomones, and finally surgeries.

Some body features are "givens" and not really practical to change. The most prevalent are skeletal: your height, body frame and the size of your hands and feet. You have no choice but to live with these like any other male or female person does. Good proportions in weight and shape, with a knowledge of how clothing can enhance or hide most 'imperfections' is part of the learning process.

Now, apart from all the negatives and imperfections we face in our gender presentation, how hard are you willing to work to change? And after you make all the changes you desire, can you find peace and contentment? Only God knows the answer to that question.

But as far as whether you actively pursue your dream and work hard to see it fulfilled, your future is really in your own hands.