Roxanne Ross
Last fall, I had an experience that was transforming in several significant ways, and as the humorist, Dave Barry says, “…and I am not making this up.” I was waiting for my wife in front of a restaurant to have lunch with her. It was a rare weekday opportunity for me to be en femme. Dressed in a very simple conservative business attire, with a blouse, skirt, sensible pumps, I looked like any typical administrative assistant would look going out to eat at midday. I noticed a middle-aged man on a cell phone about twenty feet way from me continuously giving me the squinting stare of the curious. I grew increasingly concerned as he kept talking but looking at me with a funny look. “Oh, no”, I thought, ‘I am finally being made in public!” What was giving me away? I ran a quick mental checklist. My slip wasn’t showing, my hair was fine, I was standing in a feminine posture. Was my look that unusual? Then to my dismay, he turned toward me and called in a loud voice, “Excuse me, are you normal?” I gasped! “I beg your pardon?” I managed to get out of my trembling lips. He repeated, “Are you normal?” In great fear, I shooed my hands toward him and turned my head away, feeling like I wanted to die right there. Then, in one of the great reversals in transgender experience, he said somewhat apologetically, ‘I was only asking because I am waiting for someone whose name is Norma, and I don’t know what she looks like.” OHHHHHHHHHHHH, my goodness! Here I was, actually convincing him that I was a woman, maybe the one he was to meet there, and my own perception was 180 degrees from that. I almost fell on the sidewalk in relief and laughter inside. My wife appeared a few moments later and got a great kick out of hearing the story over lunch. From that moment on, I have been a different person. My confidence is the first thing I put on whenever I get dressed!
Identity is a very personal thing. Our own identity is wrapped up in who we perceive ourselves to be. Others see us from the outside manifestations we present and each one may come to a different conclusion. Their deductions are based on what their own experiences are and what they put together from the clues we present. Our clothing, posture, voice and especially our attitude and confidence all give evidence of who we are. Yet our ID is not a simple matter of how we are dressing or acting. I do believe that one aspect is the most critical. Confidence and poise, along with a pleasant look, quick smile and good eye contact does amazing things to assure the other person that you are ‘normal’. If we have confidence in who we are, it shows!
However, many of us are not able to pass, not because of our appearance, but the way we carry ourselves. If you see someone showing nervous and withdrawn actions, it will call your attention to anyone whether they are transgendered or not! If you can, find another person to be with and to draw on to develop your personal confidence. It is something you can practice. I have been blessed to have several close sisters who have worked with me this past year to gain this kind of attitude.
Now consider the question of perceiving a person’s identity from the other side. If you were in public and saw someone who did not seem quite what you expected, what would you do? Would you go up to them and ask intimate personal questions to get to the bottom of your concerns? Of course not! You would possibly have a question in your mind, or think some train of reasoning that gave you a measure of satisfaction that you have it ‘figured out’, but that is about as far as you would go. (As an aside, it is children and teens that are more apt to laugh, point or make a scene, but that calls more attention to them than to you.) But other than purposely going into a dangerous situation, like dressing provocatively and going to a biker bar, as one of my dear sisters has said, ‘all you are going to do is give them a story to tell at the water cooler the next day’. If you are read, that person may say to themselves, “I wonder if that is really a man?” but they most likely won’t know WHO you really are, unless you are in a very small community where everyone knows everyone.
A fake ID is a common transgression of the young to pretend to be something they are not…old enough to get a drink when they are underage. For the transgendered, the ID we are showing is not fake. It is the outward expression of an inward reality that can only be complete when we are accepted as that reality by others. Being out of the box for me has been the ability to pass as a woman for a very specific reason. My inner woman wants to be normal! To talk, laugh, share, cry, chat, shop, stroll, swim, eat, write, and create, all from the vantagepoint of being accepted in the sisterhood of women. It has been amazing how much I have been able to do by projecting confidence and a positive attitude. I interact with saleswomen in shops. I chat with a stranger while taking a morning stroll at the beach. Even more importantly, I have been reaching out for our community to open doors of opportunity to enlarge our world. The other day, I was in drab, but went to a nice Dress Barn outlet I had shopped at en femme and asked to talk privately to the manager. I said that I had something I wanted to ask her and if she knew about the transgendered community. I showed her my picture album and explained how nice the sales people in her store had been to me in the past. I wanted to see if they would be willing to give my local support group a private shopping event after hours. She was absolutely delighted and positive. She assured me they would love to do it and would work with us to make it as nice and comfortable of an experience as possible. She then told me she has some TG friends and was very supportive. Now, I didn’t have a clue before I went out on a limb and approached her. But I considered several things before I did it. First, I would be completely honest. Second, I would present a case for us as sane, normal people with the desire to spend money in her shop. I left the rest to see how she would respond. I made a friend that day. She was so warm and open, and I believe it was because of the way I approached her. I have not once been treated with a lack of respect or warmth in all my dealings with others. Attitude is truly the key.
What is the key to a real ID? Having confidence in who you know yourself to be inside and then living it. As Christians, we must do this daily in order to walk with the Lord. We are to ‘consider’ ourselves dead to sin. Our flesh is still up and walking around, with sin and shame as a constant possibility. But we are to have a new attitude in ourselves as we see our lives as God does, hidden in the exchanged life that Christ gave us through His death and resurrection. The transgendered person has the same opportunity. To see themselves with an identity that matches the inner person that God has made them to be. Femininity is mostly attitude and the characteristic that transforms us enough to make our outer appearance truly authentic. In saying that, I must include a bit of reality here. I work very hard to present myself in an authentic way outwardly also. If you want to at least have a fighting chance of passing, it does take a lot of care and attention to detail. I would not presume to say attitude alone would cover razor stubble and a crooked wig from calling attention to yourself! But if you are fearful and unable to go out the door, check whether it is the inner woman who is not ready, not the outer.
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