Roxanne Ross
It seems that we have two related, but very different problems that complicate our life as transgendered people. Think of them as two of the fundamental concepts in physics, both very basic and with similar properties.
The first is inertia which is the tendency a stationary object to remain at rest. The other is momentum. The force that keeps an object moving once it begins to move.
When I lived for so many years in the closet of my mind, it was very difficult to imagine making any move to venture out into the world. Heavy pressures were all around me to stay hidden. Safe. The thought of telling anyone about my feminine persona and feelings scared me. I was frozen in an emotional suspended animation. Each time an opportunity arose that I thought may be the time to tell my wife, a wave of fear rose up to tower over my spirit. I would get queasy thinking about the possible reactions.
Another pressure was the church. We were always in evangelical, Bible-oriented congregations. One frequent event in services would be the invitation to come forward. For that time for anyone who felt the need to confess something to an elder, who would pray with you. "Come!" was the call. "It does not matter what your sin is, He will be able to forgive and heal you!" they would cry with great sincerity. I sat paralyzed with fear and trembling. Is it true? I can come up front, share I want to be a woman and dress in women's clothing, and I will be healed? Right. That would be like setting off a cherry bomb in the men's room. Not easily forgotten. Even more confusing, the Lord had never once taken this desire away in all the years I asked Him. Was this the missing step I needed to make it 'stick'?
The inertia was this: I did NOT want to lose the feminine part of me. It scared me to death that He would take it away...take ME away. Who would be left in my place? So the other thought was, dare I utter it: I was not to change, but to accept it?
One thing I knew for sure, though. Once I confessed it, they would be sure to say, "Repent! Give up this life of sin! You have been deceived and held under Satan's sway. Hold fast and pray daily for release of this fleshly curse!" I could hear the words ringing in my ears as truly as if they were spoken from the pulpit. My life would go from one nightmare of counseling sessions to another. Shame would follow me as I tried valiantly to do everything they would suggest. This time in the full light of other people's knowing gaze and head shaking. No longer held fast as a secret in my private relationship with the Lord. I was so confused. How could I be desiring both things..to keep AND be released from this gender identity condition?
What happened to change me? As I reflect, it was a tiny nudge that started the other force working...momentum. I had turned fifty years old that year. My health was not good; I was overweight, unhappy and depressed. I felt I had reached a turning point. It was a now-or-never moment. A chance presented itself at Halloween and I milked it for all it was worth.
The result? My inertia was overcome by a tiny move. I had some glimmer of hope that was the opportunity I needed to finally broach the subject with my wife was here. The fear was still there, but something had changed. By taking a chance and having one significant positive experience give my heart a boost, I was able to conceive of a way out. That was the key. I was actually able to form a different scene in my mind. It could be that the next move would bring disaster, but there was a chance it would not. Before, all I could see was disaster.
Momentum. This first, desperate leap led to a chain of events, carefully taken steps, which were bathed in prayer and discussion with my wife. Once I began, each step added further energy to accelerate the moves to free myself from the lifetime burden of shame and hiding.
Herein lies the second problem. Although momentum has brought me to the place where I now have enough confidence (and wardrobe) to do almost any and everything I want en femme, I must apply the brakes. Why? Because of the second problem: selfishness.
With momentum, you are like a stone rolling down the hill. It moves, and it has its freedom, but it can also crush things in its path. Self interest out of control.
I have an acquaintance, an M2F transsexual, who is a very big rolling stone. She has basically gone her own path in life and has forced everyone around her to make way for her. She lost relationships with family, children, and even her T.G. friends, in her insistence that others take her on her terms only. Is this healthy? I know it is very hard for a fully transitioned transsexual to face opposition and misunderstandings along the way. But this person has even alienated her support group community in her determination to 'be her own person'. What does that really mean? Do you have to be completely self-absorbed to live life? I don't believe that is so. Jesus said the opposite. I don't believe there is a loophole in His kingdom for the trangendered. But her 'momentum', and the conviction that she must 'do her own thing' at whatever cost to others, has cut her off from her friends. That is a tragedy.
Momentum. It scares me at times to feel the way I do about wanting to be female full time. I am tempted to go on a path to more and more opportunities for me. But I have a wife I love dearly. She is my best friend. I have children who need my love, care and frankly, my monetary support. My job is what keeps us sheltered, fed and well. My parents...well, don't get me started.
Having had so many positive experiences en femme...like making friends, doing all kinds of activities, finding a voice in the T.G. community...the momentum is tugging at me. Why not go further? People will accept me. I can handle it. It will all work out.
Screeeeeeech!
Hit the brakes! Yes, all that is possible. But is the risk to others in my life worth it? For me to be 'happy'? How happy would I be if I gained my dream of a full time female life and lost the ones closest to me. This struggle is not unique. Almost all the biographies I read have faced this issue. Each one has their reasons why they did what they did. I cannot judge. For myself at this point in my life, it is too large a price to pay. Until I see a way to genuinely preserve what is precious to me, I must forgo completely fulfilling my own desires. If it never happens, that was what the Lord had planned for me. Like Paul the apostle, asking for his thorn in the flesh be taken away, I must be content and say, "Not my will, but Yours, Lord."
View my homepage: Roxanne Ross
