Roxanne Ross
A consistent theme in my life is that of finding balance. Each day consists of determining what portion will be spent in what mode… as male or female, in work or at leisure, alone or with others, in the spiritual or in the physical realm, or in a public or private setting. Those decisions always have implications that must be considered in light of available time, logistics, finances and priorities.
So, as a transgendered person, the consistent overlay to all these decisions is the complexity of gender identity. Which persona is going to be 'physically' involved and what will it take to accomplish my goal for that day? Those who are still hidden and very closeted may dearly wish for more choices. I always did, but now that I have them to make, the reality is that I expend a lot of effort in planning any activity, whether the simplest errand or the finest gala event. Most of this is in order to maintain the semi-hidden nature of my situation. Home is both a wonderful haven and an occasional jail cell. As my haven, it is where my wife and I have the freedom to live as we wish and her support for me is outstanding. My daughter is also very positive and the three of us enjoy good times at home and going out. So, home is the place I may be myself most easily…with this one caveat…only when my two sons are not at home. When they are there, home becomes a cell. Hiding in the bedroom, sneaking items out to the car, storing clothes, shoes and makeup in secret, making half-truth responses to questions of where I am going. It is a constant burden, so that I am still not at the point of complete freedom and honesty I desire.
Every person's situation calls for adapting to the hand we are dealt in life. Those without mates may desperately desire one or revel in their independence. Those with mates may find bliss, may daily rue the decision to wed or have tremendous fear over what would happen lest their trans-nature be discovered. Those without children may feel profound emptiness or complete relief over their freedom. Those with children may experience the full range of emotions from joy to despair over them. In all things, we seek a balance.
I have noticed as I have had more opportunity to live outwardly in a female persona, that my spirit has become calmer. The balance I am finding is one that is more like a normal life. Each time I spend en femme is a learning time to get out of concern over how I am appearing or being accepted and more in the living itself. It means I can give greater attention to those around me when I interact. I ask questions more easily. I begin to do everyday errands as any woman does and see myself as a person, not an adventure. This has increased my confidence level and my ease at being myself.
One interesting result is the development of my casual wardrobe. One of my sisters explained to me early on that women do not typically dress 'outside the herd'. They dress very much within certain regular looks. Even to the point of checking with one another and asking, "What are YOU going to wear?", before they choose an outfit. As I have mentioned in earlier articles, dressing appropriately means reaching a comfort level with your body, and wearing what makes 'sense' in a situation.
The shopping mall is the most glaring example. Ever look at the women shopping in the mall? See many dresses? No, you see jeans and sweat pants. Heels? Are you kidding? Makeup? Not much.
This plainness of appearance poses several problems for us.
The main issue is, let's be honest, we want to take full advantage of our time en femme, don't we? That means being as feminine as we can. To most of us this means 'dressing up' not down. Another concern is if we get too close to wearing today's men-inspired or unisex clothing (read 'pants'), our male characteristics seem less camouflaged or masked. This makes us nervous. We will surely be read if we don't look 100% feminine, right? So we gravitate more to being fancy than plain. Here is where I try to use the idea of balance.
First, consider dressing for your body shape. If you wear pants, the use of padding for hips and a good fitting pair of jeans is very feminine. I stay away from any garment that is so baggy it hides my shape, however there is one aspect of this that is very individual. If you are a heavier person, you may use this to your advantage. Women use shapeless garments to de-emphasize their own weight issues, so you can too. This is NORMAL. Use sweaters rather than sweats. Nice female shirts in colors rather than frilly blouses. Try a leather jacket that is nicely tailored. A coat can be the best accessory as it can be more feminine than your clothing. The point is to look sportswear nice, not debutant ball nice.
Shoes are the hardest emotional decision for us as we generally have large feet. Some styles of casual shoes may look larger and emphasize our masculine build and that troubles our self-image. I spent months of looking to find three pairs of shoes…athletic, flats and sandals that were proportionally good on my feet, with enough delicate detail to look feminine and still be comfortable walking shoes. A real feat! ( yes, pun intended.) Remember to carry a more utilitarian style purse, which needs to be larger and roomier than an evening bag. You carry a purse with all the things you need while out, and that is more than what a man needs, so get a large one. That helps you look more proportional in size, also. I also do something my mother used to do. I carry a small knit shoulder bag that can hold a change of shoes, an umbrella or extra sweater. Women learn the scout motto better than men…"Be Prepared!"
Next is grooming. I do not think we ever have to look like those women who seem to have fallen out of bed in order to fit in at the mall! Good grooming shows you care about yourself, so one way to be plain and fancy at the same time is in your makeup. Make sure your makeup is in more neutral daytime colors, not a party time look. Hair, if you have the option with wig or natural is in a ponytail or at least a casual looser look, not swept up like a movie star. Hats, scarves and hooded coats are normal wear.
Jewelry. Where you live makes a difference. In more urban areas, women may dress down but continue to use more jewelry. She may feel she earned it, and since it does not get in the way of comfort as much as a skirt, she may put it on for all day, so bracelets and rings especially are useful. Wear simple earrings and more casual necklaces, if any.
The one constant fashion look that screams "female" are nicely groomed and painted nails. These are not normally something a woman puts off and on daily. She gets her nails done and wears them until the next appointment.
Put all together, the idea is to look comfortable, well groomed and feminine enough to feel good about your appearance. It is no shame to be one of the best dressed 'slobs' in the mall! You can use this process for each type of venue that you may be visiting and apply the same logic of 'fitting in'.
All of this comes by a lifetime of trial and error for women. We have to work harder to think through all these details and add them to our way of life from observation. When we have been out in real situations enough, these life lessons come along naturally and we adapt ourselves over time. Our feminine lives are compressed into a shorter time span, so any help we can get to solve these practical issues are greatly appreciated!
Next month, I will be sharing about my adventures in bridal shopping and planning as Maid of Honor for my best friend's wedding this coming fall. Yes, really! As Dave Barry often says… "and I am not making this up." I hope I can give you both the fantasy and the realities of this once in a lifetime opportunity.
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