Roxanne Ross
"Don't bother asking 'why' questions", my friend Merri has said to me many times. "They cannot be answered, and it really doesn't make a difference anyway." When you reach the place in your life when you finally are willing to face the hard questions, "Why?" looms large. I have discovered that Merri is correct. I have agonized for years on "Why" I felt I should be a woman rather than a man. Even if I knew it was genetic factors, or hormonal imbalances, or my environmental upbringing or any other reason, the fact remains: my own identity has been formed decisively with a feminine gender. Every attempt to change, deny, repent and ignore has been met with utter failure. So, then another question arises, this time the dreaded "Hypothetical" question. You know, one where someone challenges you with some improbable contradiction, but goads you to make a choice, usually to prove a point that they want to force on you.
"Suppose you had two pills in front of you. One would make your body perfectly match your gender identity. If you identify as female, you would be a completely genetic woman. If male, you would be a fully genetic man. Also the pill would remove all knowledge and desire of being your original birth gender. The other pill would completely cure your gender identity issue by making you match your birth body, and you would shed all prior knowledge and desire of being the opposite gender. Which would you choose?"
There seems to be only two choices presented. However, in reality, when I was asked this clever hypothetical, I said (and many others give the same reply), "I would take neither". For what reason do we say this? Our life experiences make us the person we are. These factors accumulate gradually, happening moment by moment, day by day, year by year, forming our personalities, our abilities, our knowledge. Each of us can only guess what we might be like in our present reality if we had followed a different path. Most of us would want to have avoided sorrows, disappointments and heartache. The abused certainly would have wanted to experience love and mercy. Those with disabilities would surely wish to have them removed. But then, who would we be? Life's challenges are tutors in the school of wisdom. As a Christian, I believe we are formed in the potter's hands…molded, shaped and presented finally in the end as His work of glory. For those in other faith traditions, similar concepts exist. But the crux of the issue is we are the summation of our life's experience. How could we ever hope to predict who we would be if they had been different than what they were? Are we wise enough to know which of our experiences were the keys to our identity? Would we truly be happier? Each choice, each event, each lesson learned was a step along a path not yet formed. Where would another path have led us?
We always assume our hindsight would have put us on a better path. But from any single point of divergence from the path we took, the results would remain hidden once again as surely as the steps we take tomorrow on our present journey.
I would be incredibly sad to lose my femininity. My lifelong observations of the motivations and appetites of the 'normal' male leaves me cold, and I do not wish to be one. The desires of my heart make me yearn for the community of women, with emphasis on the 'communing'. Sharing in the emotional life, the bonding and the friendship of other women is very satisfying to me. I have had enough shallow conversation on politics and sports to last several lifetimes. However, whether the topic is shallow or deep, it is the feminine side of life that appeals to me. I want to talk to someone who understands how important that shade of lipstick is! Or be able to cry about some hurt or sorrow and have them say, "I know I can't fix it, but I am here and I care." I have some wonderful people in my life (including my spouse) who I can depend on for that kind of sisterhood, both genetic women and trans-women. These friendships have transformed my life immeasurably. Would I give them up? It is unthinkable.
So, we then face another question. "What am I doing to live within the results of these life circumstances that I now find myself?" This is a much less 'philosophical' question. It is very practical and may be examined with care, which may lead to our taking more control of the "How" of our living.
This is still very difficult, let us be candid. I would love to make steady and consistent moves toward living life full time as a woman. However, to do so would cause repercussions that cannot be adequately measured beforehand. I am not a big risk-taker, as odd as it may sound to those who know the many adventures of my public female life.
Those adventures were all within the confines of hiding my actions from certain family members, friends and workplace acquaintances. This places me still in a 'Box' and I am less and less willing to remain there. The dilemma is that every human being has some kind of a box they live in. We all have limitations that are physical, financial, or some other aspect of life , so the question returns to that I stated earlier… "What am I doing to live within the results of these life circumstances that I now find myself?"
First of all, we should continue to value the relationships we have and stay committed to them. They must be considered in every action if we care about them. This is much easier to say than to do. As we discover the cost of maintaining a relationship that causes us to deny who we are, agonizing choices must be made. Here lies the testing point for what we truly value in our life. Asking these hard questions takes courage and strength.
Next, we need to find outlets for giving of ourselves to prevent introspection from turning us to becoming bitter, and focused only on what we lack rather than what we have. One way I do this is writing articles like this one. Another is through an email group, where I have opportunities to counsel with people over the Internet. My support group, TGEA, gives me a place to serve, encourage and assist other transgender individuals, and build a community. I help outreach efforts by speaking at universities on the transgender experience. In my personal outings, I look for opportunities to expand awareness of our existence among all types of service and retail providers, professionals and the church.
Another area is personal growth and maturity. It is so easy to become self centered in life, but this TG life is particularly fraught with ego pitfalls. We are often obsessed with our outward appearance, which is not an attractive personality trait in anyone. Pursuing the elusive ideal of gender expression can become time consuming and expensive. Balance and moderation are pushed aside if we are not careful. It is no wonder that relationships experience severe strains when we spend long hours in developing our new look. Not to mention the worries we cause our significant others! They fear that we are going to change so radically as to completely replace the person they knew with someone else. So, we need to find ways to balance our needs with the needs of others, and to admit that we are not the center of the universe!
Finally, we need accountability. Humans are best nurtured within community. We need the input and counsel of others to give us perspective, wisdom and vision. Having others in our life that care for us and are willing to speak truth into our situations is vital. Blind spots are easily missed when we are a solitary traveler. Companions will give us the benefit of their love and care, which includes telling us when we are going down the wrong path. Our questions may find clearer answers when spoken aloud in the company of friends. I have asked more questions and sought more advice in the last three years than my previous fifty. Do I have all the answers to my questions? No, but I have more than I did.
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