When I went along on the Sunday Morning, I was welcomed by David and Brenda, the pastors, and, very self-consciously, I joined in the praise and worship. The church breaks bread every week, and I partook of the bread and wine for the first time in quite a while. After the meeting I spoke to a few people, but said my good-byes and went back home. I had made it clear that I was not in any need of emotional support or friendship, and that if they, as pastors, felt that there would be problems, they would not lull me into a false sense of security, only to tell me that they felt I should "repent" at a later date.
What can I say? I am still going to the same church. I have even been to the women's meetings! Slowly but surely, very gently, it would seem I am being accepted as the woman I have always been on the inside. Yes, there have been comments passed which I have only been aware of due to my ex's contact with the pastor's wife, but nobody has been overtly hostile. Now it seems that every time I go, I am making more friends within the church, even though I gather most people have now asked the question, "Is it a man?", the answer to which seems to have been summed up by the pastor's wife, when I asked her if she felt it wise that I went to the women's meetings: "What I see before me is a woman." Hallelujah!
The most amazing incident, though, must be the time when I gave a lift home to Rosa after the first women's meeting. She asked me if I would like to come in for a cup of tea, and I agreed. I had already seen her husband, Ian, at the church, but had not connected names and faces. We settled down to a nice cup of tea and started to talk. Maybe it's a desire to know what people really think about you, but I "let the truth out". We discussed the nature of gender problems for a while, and then Ian, (a born-again, baptised-in-the-Spirit, evangelistic...man!) said: "You've got to stop thinking about yourself as a transsexual, and start living life as the woman that you are, and that God loves." Well, that was it! The tears flooded out, and I think I started to feel that maybe this was the place that God had prepared for me.
I have come to realise that finding a church as a post-op TS can be difficult; doing the same thing as a CD can be almost impossible. In some ways, I can see the fears and anxieties people have about such things. But, as David Horton says: "It's only clothing", and don't forget, "perfect love casts out fear".
I have found it quite difficult to let go of the perceived need to explain, if not justify, who, what, why I am. Maybe I will have to continue to do so, that people will come to realise that God can, does love unconditionally. Nonetheless, I concur with Paul when he says: "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."
Whilst explaining my situation to another Christian, I started to realise that TS's have to be people of great faith. I grew up knowing that I was a woman. I had no evidence of that fact apart from the feeling that I just knew that I knew that I knew. The way I got to the place where I am today was to "call those things which be not, as if they already were". This is a concept that few Christians can cope with. To me, it was something I have been doing all my life. If you desire something from God, then follow God's way of receiving it. Yes, it may take years, but it will come. Hold on to Jesus. He is a true friend. He will NEVER let you go.
Reprinted from the Spring 1997 Grace & Lace International
