by
Jane Ellen Fairfax
Binge and purge. Binge and purge. So in an endless, weary cycle goes the life of a bulimic. One minute he cannot devour enough food. Then, wracked by guilt, he ingests emetics or laxatives to get the wretched stuff out of his body. A poor self-image plagues many bulimics, and the endless binging and purging can devastate their health. Fortunately, the appropriate therapeutic approach can terminate this destructive cycle and lead to newfound happiness and a sense of well-being.
All too often, crossdressers practice gender bulimia. For years they huddle in denial, hiding from even their nearest and dearest their inner femininity. "Gender gift?" they sneer. "Curse is more like it!" So they grow beards, get "saved," engage in risky macho hobbies, and marry unsuspecting women in a frantic attempt to leave behind their inner "demon."
But the girl within does not die. Uneasily she sleeps as the crossdresser tries to squeeze his whole identity into his masculine side. Deluding himself that his feminine side is gone for good, he deceives his wife into thinking he has been "cured" - if he has told her at all. This deception will come back to haunt him later, for his femininity is woven into his being. Trying to cut it away makes about as much sense as trying to excise every vein in the body.
The result is what one would expect when one tries to cram a large quantity into a small space; tension builds. Crossdressing becomes the lightning rod for other relationship issues. Projecting blame for his confinement onto his wife and family, the crossdresser may flare at trivial annoyances. Pressure may even spill over into physical illness. Despite his best efforts to suppress "her," "she" begins to clamor ever louder for expression.
Finally the explosion occurs. The crossdresser comes roaring out of secrecy. Even if he has not accepted himself, he tells his wife about his crossdressing, and may not be particularly sensitive in doing so. Floating on a cloud of gender euphoria, he interprets her initial cautious reaction as total approval of whatever he wants to do. Nothing will do but to be out in public - security considerations be damned. So he disseminates pictures of himself all around, and goes out with other crossdressers in his hometown. When folks out in public do not confront him immediately, he's sure he passes. Awash in femininity, he fantasizes about living full time. Life is a sweet delusion!
Until, that is, he runs into a check. Perhaps someone reads him and bursts his confidence. Or his wife brings him back to earth with an ultimatum. Or someone at his work recognizes him. For whatever reason, the high is gone and guilt sets in. Out go hundreds of dollars worth of clothes, all his newfound friends, and his self-esteem. It's compression time again. So back and forth it goes as years roll past. One minute he denies he ever wants to put on a dress; the next he contemplates living full time en femme. Seeing nothing but extremes, he never perceives the nourishing mean between starvation and gorging.
Yet there is a healthy middle ground, and no crossdresser need ever allow gender bulimia to blast his life. All it takes is careful thought and common sense. Victory starts with acceptance of the reality that his gender gift is, for better or worse, a part of who he is. Once the crossdresser acknowledges reality, he can make that reality work for his personal betterment.
Having accepted himself, the crossdresser is ready to dismantle the wall of deception he has built between himself and his spouse. Telling her may precipitate a crisis of trust, but, if he shares from the heart, and educates her slowly and gently, she will probably find a comfort zone with his need for self-expression. Her concerns about security and family issues will have a natural tendency to slow down any inclination toward a bull-in-a-china-shop approach. And that is all to the good!
Frightening experiences lead to purges. The best way to avoid obstructions in the road is to go slowly. One crossdresser I know came flying out of secrecy at warp speed. Nothing would do for him but to be out and about everywhere. Flying on his pink cloud, he believed he could pass anytime. So he went to a rough dive, got propositioned and then beaten up. He has yet to reemerge. Going out in public is not Nirvana. A more prudent approach is for the crossdresser and his wife to select a mutually comfortable support group, where he can enjoy the positive reinforcement of peers, and take baby steps out to accepting public areas. As his experience grows, so will his confidence.
While sound judgement and a deliberate pace will lessen exposure to adverse experiences, the crossdresser cannot completely insulate himself from hurtful comments. If he has truly accepted himself, however, he knows that he has every right to self-expression, so long as he does not violate the rights of others. When he looks at the twisted expressions on the faces of his detractors, he knows it is they who have a problem. Because he owns the right to be who he is, outside events cannot induce him to purge.
The wise crossdresser keeps all of reality before him. He is a feminine person with a right to express that softer side within. But he is not a woman. He accepts that there are some feminine experiences he will never have. While he may fantasize about living a feminine ideal, he knows where Oz ends and Kansas begins. Not long ago I answered an inquiry from a sister who had just decided to emerge. Seeking information on the Internet, she encountered someone who urged her to embrace her femininity by going on hormones. Armed with a firm sense of reality, the crossdresser can brush aside such Siren-calls to binges. She knows she has within her a natural femininity that does not come out of a bottle.
The crossdresser's wife can help break the binge-purge cycle. While the revelation of her husband's crossdressing may fly in the face of the stereotypes with which she was brought up, she does well to accept what she cannot change. This does not mean she must support whatever her crossdresser wants to do. There is little to be gained by enabling gender bulimia. By realizing that mere clothes do not make her husband a different person, she avoids the temptation to issue ultimata that perpetuate the binge-purge cycle.
By fostering an acceptance of all its components, the gender community can help reinforce the need to accept gender realities. The Gender Bill of Rights hit the bulls-eye. Crossdressers have the right to be and act like crossdressers; transsexuals have the right to be and act like transsexuals. Nothing is gained by converting crossdressers to be transsexuals, or vice versa. The only product of such selfish recruitment is human misery. Only when each person cleaves to the truth of his identity can he be free of the pressure that causes the binge-purge cycle.
Fortunately, society is becoming more accepting of crossdressing. No longer is there any need to risk patronizing businesses or services whose condemnation can destroy self-esteem and lead to purging. In many areas the crossdresser can find shops that treat him as a feminine person, and even churches that welcome him to the love of a God Who first loves all human beings. Such resources are becoming more and more widely available. The gender community is lobbying hard for just laws that enforce social acceptance of gender reality. It behooves the crossdresser and his wife to seek out accepting resources and work so there will be more of them.
It is time to declare our independence of the sad cycle of gorging and purging. The crossdresser can help by accepting his femininity and cleaving to its reality. His wife can help by reaffirming that reality and working with him to develop both his masculinity and his femininity. The gender community can help by recruiting more resources that affirm reality. There is a mean between the extremes of denying our true femininity and letting it dominate our lives. Let's help one another onto that healthy middle ground, where people can grow. Let's all band together to stamp out gender bulimia!
