"God Knows We Are Crossdressers"

by

Lee Frances Heller

To think that God doesn't know that we are crossdressers is an exercise in self-deception. To think that God wants nothing to do with us because we are crossdressers is the result of the general rejection of us on the part of the social climate in which we live. It's the old story of "blue is for boys and pink is for girls." Thus, the brain conditioning starts at birth. If we show any inclination towards dolls or "girl things," we are directed away from it as "boys don't play with dolls." No regard shown for our feelings. "I like dolls but can't play with them because Mamma and Daddy won't let me because I'm a boy." Thus the beginning of frustration. The desire to play with dolls is still inside, but now the boy has to repress it. If the boy happens to turn out to be a crossdresser, then frustration and repression become the hallmark of his life. He lives a life of painful deception. His delightfully feminine persona is hidden It is closeted in the darkness of repression. It is hidden from everyone but ourselves. Hidden? From everyone? Not quite.

"And not a creature exists that is concealed from His sight, but all things are open and exposed, naked and defenseless to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do." (Hebrews 4:13, Amplified)

That verse can throw one into a tailspin. "If crossdressing is a sin, and God hates sin, and He knows that I am a crossdresser, and the church says that crossdressing is at sin, then God must hate me. The bad go in life I have been having recently, or whatever untoward event or events or happenings or series of reverses must be God's punishment for my being a crossdresser." This thinking is the result of the church's brainwashing which is akin to hogwash.

I spent from 1947, the year that I surrendered to Christ, until 1987 in this type of thinking. Giving my life to Jesus Christ in recognition of my own sins and embracing the fact of His atonement for sin and giving Him entrance into my own life only served to complicate things, when the first euphoria died down in a few months. Now the church was telling me how to live, what to do and what not to do, where I could go: church social functions, concerts in the park, Christian movies shown in the church, etc. What I could not do and where I could not go - and the sky is the limit on that one. I didn't need a Bible with all that pulpit wisdom And church Book of Discipline. So I threw myself into a pink tizzy spiritually for the next 39 years. The beautiful fact is that I am a survivor, and that only by the grace of God! When I see the horrendous guilt trip crossdressing put me on, I wonder how did I make it through.

In all of the guilt, God set me in the position of a home missionary as a superintendent of a skid-row mission in the northeast. Amazing Grace! I had left the church long before that, and had no church membership, which was always a prerequisite for a position such as that. It's a long, long story of how I was selected. I did not apply for the position. Bottom line is that God gave it to me and kept me in it for nineteen years, during which I was a closet crossdresser and only three of us knew. Myself, my wife and God. In spite of it all, I was in no way comfortable with my crossdressing. In those years I asked God many times to "deliver" me from it so I could be more comfortable. He didn't do it. Period. Now I know that he didn't need to. I see the miracle of His guiding hand in all of it. Crossdressing doesn't mean a thing to Him. That was not the issue with Him. Now I know how much He blessed the faith that brought me to His feet to ask deliverance. With me, crossdressing was the issue. With Him, faith is the issue. It was the faith that He gave me that carried me, and that's why the devil couldn't use crossdressing to destroy me, which could have happened had I somehow or another been exposed.

I can now hear the cry of, Abominable thinking!" To say that God allows crossdressing when He so plainly states that it is an abomination in Deuteronomy 22:5. We will do a careful paper on that one, as I have some new research on that verse.

Back to the ranch!

We were talking about hiding and how it is impossible to hide any area of your life from God, so we have established one fact now. You know that you are a crossdresser and God knows and that makes two that know. You don't have to move over in the closet to make room for God, my Christian friend, because He is in you and hasn't deserted you. Your Christian life is "your new life hidden in Christ with God," as it states in Colossians 3:3. That's real hiding. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of God's embracing love for us. He hugs us with Christ, in His bosom.

Do you REALLY think that crossdressing stands between you and God? Look at the 139th Psalm again.

"You did knit me together in my mother's womb."

He made NO mistake. I don't know what pattern He use when He knit me together in my mother's womb. But I do know that if the pattern called to "knit-one and purl-four," that He knit-one and purled-four. My firm belief is that I am a congenital crossdresser and so constituted. God just doesn't make mistakes. I have spent much of my life crying out to Him, "Why me?" Now I know. I have known for three years now.

Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to Him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?" (Romans 9:20, KJV)

Look at the Old Testament:

"Woe to him who strives with his Maker! (He is) a worthless piece of broken pottery among other pieces equally worthless. Shall the clay say to Him who fashions it, "What do you think that you are making?" Or, "Your work has no handle?" (Isaaiah 45:9, Amplified)

I have my answer.