"Guilt"

by

"Jane"

The following note is from "Jane", a married pre-op TS who lives and works as a woman.

Dear Friends,

Have you all noticed that we TG people have a great deal of trouble dealing with our "situation?"

My spouse and I were talking the other day and realized something. We can all, TV or TS, suppress our needs for a period of time. Depending on the person, that can range from a few days to a few months or even years. We can pretend to be "normal" for that time. But no matter what our desires, our intentions, our promises to ourselves or our spouses, we end up back where we started. We can stop for awhile, but not forever.

What does that give us? Feelings of guilt. If I had just tried a little harder. If I had just gone another month, or year. If I hadn't failed...

We feel guilty that we have not been able to keep our promises, either to ourselves, our spouse, or to God. We feel guilty that we have failed them, and failed ourselves as well. How can God love us, if we cannot keep our promises to Him? How can we love ourselves, if we cannot keep our promises to ourselves. So we feel guilty at our failures.

We want so much to be the kind of spouse we should be, but we keep failing.

I was away last week, for my mother-in-law's funeral. Because of her family, I was in "guy" mode for several days. I take an anti-depressive, but I was so down. I lay on the couch and was crying. My spouse came and held my hand and asked why I was so sad. Why? Because I wanted so much to be a real husband, a real son-in-law, a real farmer... but I knew I couldn't be. Maybe for a day or so, but any longer was just so hard. I knew I couldn't be 'him' for very long. And that time has gotten shorter and shorter.

Sometimes I think I should just change my name back and return to the farm full time. We have SO many loving caring friends there. But while on the couch I clearly realized that I could never ever do that if I wanted to live. I got so depressed that I saw death as a solution. I knew then that I can NEVER be 'him' again, at least for more than an day or two.

And I realized that I felt so sad at this. I cannot be the person I want to be. I feel guilty that I cannot be the person that I promised I was when we said our marriage vows. I cannot be the person that our friends and church family had seen for the past years. That person is gone and can no longer live. He can only come for short visits at best.

I grieve for this person I once knew. I feel guilty that I cannot keep the promises I have made. That's why it's so hard.

For all of you with family problems, you may actually have it easier in the long run. If you make a emotional break with them, so they can go on with their own lives, then you may find it easier to make a break with the person you once were. Don't forget them, but let them go their own way as you change to a new person. Don't be an anchor to their lives, dragging them on and on.

And I have to say that "Jane" is greatly relieved to be back at work. No one has ever known me any other way here, so there are no broken promises, no changes that they have to deal with. And being liked and loved as a new person is just wonderful. Here there are no tears, no sadness. Just a new life. Free at last. "Jane" is no longer imprisoned but is free to be herself. Complete, whole, and loved -- by myself, by others, and by God.

Brothers and Sisters, there IS a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just keep at it one step at a time and it will be there. And let the guilt and sadness die with your old self. Give it a funeral and bury it.