"Thoughts At Midnight"
by
Theresa Kaye Lowry
Why, Oh Lord, do I feel like a woman? My heart aches and I live in constant sorrow, wanting to reach out and receive the female body which I so desperately need. Have I not tried to live as a boy and, later in life, a man? Why did you not look down the avenues of history and see me struggling, day by day, to be something which my heart tells me I am not? Is there no mercy in you, to let a soul suffer continually like this? Wouldn't it be better to die?
I cannot kill myself. I fear you. Yet, I cannot go on living in this condition. Lord, there has to be an escape. Can you see the clock? It is midnight and I need my sleep. Could I not at least be privileged to wear a night gown? My wife who was beside me is wearing one. I have slept in one many, many times, but tonight I must wear male clothing to sleep in. It is so uncomfortable.
I once thought I would transition, have surgery to correct my body, make it conform to my soul, my spirit, my mind. My wife acted as though she supported me. But, I found out that she looks with disgust at those who wear a dress in public who are really men. But not men, only women seeking an escape from the male prison that holds them. Yes, she sees them with disgust!!
So does the church.
Ah, the church. The ones who are so holy and preach love, but despise the poor, hurting souls called the transgendered. Why do they hate us so? Oh, they say they do not hate, but yet they say we are homosexual. We are not, so what does that make them? The Bible says that lies are of the devil and Satan is the father of them.
Yet, they are a holy people. They love their own just as the Pharisees did. Why don't they at least tell the truth about us? Does God approve of them because they can shout and wave their Bible? Does not the Word have meaning any more? Can we claim something is sin when the Bible is silent? Why do they condemn us? Why do they hate us? Isn't the church supposed to be a church of love??
The end of your search for a friendly church, they proclaim. Good! Let us go see! That is what we have been looking for! What is this? The pastor, the deacons, telling us to leave? I thought this was a friendly church. What gives?
Did not Jesus reach out to the hurting, the outcasts, the wretched? Why do people carry the name of Christ, yet do not what he said? Do what he did? Where are the Christians of the Bible?
Look! I see one! Isn't that a woman that was once a man? She is welcomed. I have seen her at a college teaching public speaking. Why, everybody knows what she is! But, she is welcomed.
Thank you, Lord. There are a few churches that carry on the work and love of Christ. But, alas! Only a few. Look! That woman is a worker in the church! Yes, a few. But only a few.
What should we do? Educate them? Show them the love of Christ? Show them that we are children of God, also? Maybe. But are they are too holy? Too holy to receive the message of Christ? Too holy to show love for us. Just...too holy?
Yes, Lord, why do I feel like a woman? Why cannot my wife understand that? Would she want to be a man?
Lord, there are so many questions...and so few answers.
The actual thoughts of Theresa Kaye Lowry at midnight on July 20, 1999.
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