by
Kathy Randall
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For those of you who have beaten yourself up for years trying to fight your transgendered nature, may I offer you some hope.
If you are like me, you spent decades fighting your transgendered nature. You grew up believing it to be evil. Your crossdressing (CDing) was usually done in secret and was combined with experiences you would rather not talk about. I have heard a lot of discussion on both sides of the issue. Is CDing wrong or right - sin or not? My angle on this is a little unusual.
I really do not know if CDing is sin or not. Advocates, on both sides of this issue, offer compelling arguments. I am interested in the debate, but not overly concerned about its resolution. In either case, the answer appears to be elusive. In regards to myself, the "sin" issue has taken a backseat to my mental health and the exploration of who I am as a child of God. I believe my Heavenly Father to be a God of love who desires for me to be happy and whole. I love my children, and I cannot imagine that God is less loving or less tolerant with his children.
In fact, the issue of sin and CDing may be a lightning rod for a much larger issue. CDing was the "thorn" God used to deflate my spiritual ego. My spiritual discomfort caused me to ask two questions: "What is the nature of sin?" "At what point does an action become sin?"
In Matthew 5:27, Jesus says we sin at the "thought" stage. This, of course, leaves little hope for any of us who wish to be sin-free. In fact, whenever Christ was asked to declare something as sinful, he always presented a larger definition that included those asking the question. Take, for example, the story of the woman caught in adultery. (John 8:3) The Pharisees brought a woman before Jesus and wanted his approval to stone her to death. He acknowledged the woman's sin, but went on to say, "…He who is without sin cast the first stone." Even though some came to the scene, I'm sure with rocks already in hand, no one threw a stone, for each of them knew, they too, had sins.
Why would Jesus do this? Why expand the parameters of sin? Because, Christ purposed to make the "narrow way" to God even more narrow, so we would have no option but to lean on the grace he was to purchase on the cross. As he says in John 14:6, "I am the way the truth and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through me."
I always felt that this "path to God only through Jesus" sounded rather restrictive. However, my perspective changed when I finally began to understand how Jesus' death on the cross altered forever the power that sin had over us.
The message of the gospel or grace is not one of "trying to do good." Christ did not die to remove sin from our lives, but to remove sin's power to control us. For the power of sin comes from this trap: whether we are fleeing sin, or embracing it, sin still has power over us. Sin wants to dictate our spiritual, and day-to-day, agendas.
Christ came to set us free, completely free, from the power of sin. As a child of God, the righteousness we have adopted is the righteousness of Christ. Therefore we should no longer be bound by the agenda that sin would have us follow.
Christ recognized the sin of adultery, and the sin of all those present, but dispensed grace in his dealings with the woman and encouraged her. He says to us "Follow me, for my load is easy and my burden is light." He says to us, "I want to be your agenda. I will change your heart as I see fit. I will be your guide, focus on me." We are now free to explore, as our Savior leads, because we are under the GRACE of God.
Am I saying that sin is irrelevant? On the surface it may appear so, but actually it is just the opposite! Sin permeates everything that we do. Separating it out is a winnowing process that takes a lifetime. Trying to determine what is sin is difficult because often those actions our culture has decreed as "obvious sin" are not. On the other hand, some things that our society says are legal, and holds up as worthwhile goals, are in fact sin. Accepting my CDing, and God's grace, has taught me that I am more sinful, not less.
Choosing one particular sin to focus on can have harmful consequences. The danger in vilifying one aspect of our fallen nature, is that we then, by contrast, tend to justify the rest of what we do. We start to believe that we can somehow earn righteousness if we "just get this one area under control."
In Matthew:19, a rich young ruler comes to Jesus and asks, "Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may obtain eternal life?" Jesus answers with "Why are you asking me about what is good? There is only One who is good…" He then speaks to the young man about keeping the commandments, and the young man declares he has kept them all. So Jesus gives him another, "…sell your possessions and give to the poor…come and follow me." The young man goes away grieved because he is very rich. Jesus remarks to the disciples present, "…it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
In Jesus' day, just as in our day, wealth was viewed as a blessing from God. So when the disciples heard this they were perplexed and asked, "Then who can be saved?" I love Jesus' reply, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." The point of this exchange was not that wealth is bad, but that there is no "good thing" you can do to enter into Heaven. Why is this important to the transgendered believer? Because we are faced with our own human frailty day by day and have the choice to either accept the grace that our Lord freely offers, or drive ourselves crazy trying to do the "right thing" to obtain God's favor and eternal salvation. What Jesus says to his disciples he says to you, "With man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
When I finally gave up a couple of years ago, I died to myself. I died to the struggle of trying to "please God.' I died to my self-righteousness. I no longer cared about my performance, but was forced to simply fall on my face, cling to my Savior, and ask him to have mercy on me a sinner. I am amazed that he did not let go of me. Although I did not consider myself legalistic, I was still trying to gain his favor. I finally experienced the promise, "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you." (Romans:14)
If you are struggling, if your pillow is wet with the tears of self-condemnation, my advice to you is "let it all go." Die to your self-righteousness and be reborn with the understanding that you are a redeemed creation and that your life is Christ's and not your own. God really does desire to give his children good gifts. Trust him and enjoy the ride!
For me, I will continue to CD and learn about that part of me I suppressed for so many years. (Lots of lost time to make up.) If I am wrong in this, it will be God who will change my heart on the subject. In the meanwhile, I will enjoy watching him redeem yet another manifestation of my fallen nature. Maybe out of my many sins, CDing is still one, however the issue does not appear overly important to Jesus (he never mentions it). For now, I take comfort in the knowledge that God's grace is sufficient. I know for a fact, that God has allowed me the freedom to explore my female side. I've accepted my transgendered nature.
Love - Kathy
"Although you desire a sunny day, don't curse the rain, it is still one of God's blessings."
