by
Kathy Randall
Below is part of a dialogue that a good friend of mine and I shared. ( Read Roxanne Ross' article "Out Of The Box - Differences" on this page)
Both Roxanne and I are male to female transgendered. In a recent post she gave a passionate appeal for solidarity within the TG community. She referenced the debate over labels used to define those who identify themselves somewhere along the gender spectrum. The definitions of the terms, transgendered, transsexual and cross-dresser are not widely agreed on. There is also a rift growing between those who have sought SRS (sexual reassignment surgery), and those who have not.
Roxanne Wrote:
"There is a theme/thread that reoccurs
constantly. It is the idea that the spectrum of
TG experience is actually a path that must lead
to a specific goal (i.e.,a complete transition,
whatever that means) and that goal is more
legitimate than another set of choices.
This idea troubles me greatly."
Dear Roxanne,
You have once again prodded my gray matter to respond. For awhile now I have kept quiet because I do not want to seem unsupportive of those who are pursuing SRS. Even to appear so, I think is potentially hurtful. We in the transgendered community get enough of that from others. Those in crisis need to be comforted, not confronted. The path of transition is one I fully support for those who need to pursue it.
Roxanne Wrote:
"If we listen carefully to our explanations of our gender
conflicts, no matter what they are, we are still seeking
basic human needs. Wholeness. Comfort. Acceptance.
Forgiveness. A sense of belonging and of 'Normality".
"A sense of "belonging and normalcy" - I think you hit the nail on the head! Belonging is such a strong human need, right up there with sexual desires. To feel normal! How many of those who transition say, "I finally feel normal!" To me, that would be the strongest reason to transition. I can see how so many give up so much to have that sense of normalcy. Roxanne, you have shared often about your feelings and how the greatest pull for you to live full-time was the relationships with other woman that were formed. Many choices we make are due to our desire to be accepted and belong.
Many see the desire to transition as the ultimate rejection of the social norms, when in fact it is the opposite. It is embracing the definition of gender polarity as "truth" while attempting to belong. Those of us who choose not to pursue SRS should be the ones who are chided by society. For we are not conforming to its image of who we should be. The person who demonstrates both genders (mentally, physically and/or emotionally) is reminded on a daily basis that there is something "wrong" with them. One of the strongest pulls I get from dressing full-enfemme is the acceptance I have received in that roll (when passing). My portrayal as a male is largely not accepted (outside my home) and often called into question. I suppose I get away with this at all because I am an artist. People expect you to be a bit "softer" in appearance and mannerisms
To be treated in a social situation in the way that makes more sense to me is very intoxicating. To project and enjoy the female gender feels more comfortable than the male gender. But, what am I really responding to? Why do I feel a sense of freedom, which I do not feel otherwise?
Because of other concerns, I have chosen to embrace who I am now, and no longer desire to change what God has created. Yes, this puts me on the outside of society, and maybe even outside of this group to some extent.
On a personal note: I get ma'amed from time to time and related to in "female" terms just for being me. I often act in a way that is usually confined to the female gender. Sometimes when dressed in more neutral clothing, I have been mistaken for female. So what is normal?
For years I hid from the truth. For years I fought the truth. The fact that I embrace the truth of myself now, and so reject the cookie cutter social norms for the "male or female genders" does not mean I am cured of my gender (what's the word I'm looking for?).
We who are older, for most of our lives were held prisoner by a society that rejected our expressions. The female in us was not only vilified, but rejected on social grounds and even religious grounds. Does this mean that we are broken?
It is true that those who transition often are met with ridicule and their choice is questioned. Their motives are not understood. My path (of not transitioning) is easier for them to accept (or ignore), although harder for me to live with.
My goal now is to try and live my life in a way that does not excuse who I am, but focuses on my personhood. The labels of male and female do not fit (one because of my physical plumbing, and the other because of my metal state) and so I have chosen to pursue my "personhood" instead. I know for a fact that this would not have been possible if I did not have the support of my family, and many of my friends.
Like most of us, I truly thought that transition was the only answer, and this was not because "those in the community talked me into it either." I felt this way before I even knew the term "transgendered, or transsexual." When I came out to my spouse back in 1999, if she would have rejected me, I was fully prepared (and expecting) to leave her and begin SRS.
I see this as an issue of transition verses self-acceptance. Some view being transgendered as a medical condition. If a medical condition goes untreated, does that mean the condition no longer exists? The answer to that is obviously no. Some may look at my gender condition as a mistake that needs to be corrected. For years, I felt the same way, although now I can see the benefits. I consider it a part of who I am. I consider it a blessing.
Roxanne Wrote:
"I know of no one other than the Lord, with the ability to literally read
another person's mind. Since the essence of our pursuit of gender identity all reside within our minds, we are left with two choices... believe the person is telling the truth about themselves (along with how their needs are met), or don't believe them and force a different interpretation on their words."
So much of what we go through happens simply within our own minds. Before coming out, I put myself on a personal suicide watch -- I watched for the opportunity to end my life. To continue as I was, in this culture, with this orientation, with such a lack of friendships, with this secret, with this self-loathing was no longer a tolerable way to live.
I "came out," not through a complex plan, but because I had not choice. To say now that these feelings were somehow "un-real" or I am not "really" a transgender individual (because I did not pursue SRS) is ludicrous. My pain and frustration was every bit as intense as those who have chosen SRS as their solution. Because I have been able to live without it, does not diminish my journey, nor my gender orientations. It is like those who label some in the church as "never really saved" when that individual questions their churches' views, or wonders at their faith. It is very convenient and very self-centered to dismiss someone and trivialize their experience because they do not share it.
The comment, "I had no choice," or, "I was made this way and I have to correct the birth defect," are both used as justification. I'm sorry, although I am transgendered, I still have a choice and I refuse to see how I was made as a birth defect. Male sex organs are not tumors, even if a person is repulsed by them. It has taken me a long time to accept myself, as myself. Just because I am not readily accepted by society does not mean there is something wrong. My choice to stay as I am should not invalidate another's choice to pursue SRS. I could have easily been post-op by now, and if I had chosen to pursue SRS I know I would have been very happy with that choice.
People compare themselves to others to develop a sense of identity. I understand that is a natural thing to do. Many of our decisions are based on the successful choices, or failed choices of others. However, the choice to change your gender is not one that should be treated as a community decision. It is a very personal choice, and should be validated or invalidated on its own merits. The rift between those who choose SRS, and those who do not, has developed because many feel the need to justify their choices unilaterally. SRS is a very personal decision, and not one that should decided by public vote.
I will always consider myself transgendered, "dressed in female garb" or not. Transgendered isn't something you can just switch off. I'm sure some will refer to me as, "just a CD." If this is important to them to validate their choice, then so be it. I can take it. : )
I will try and contribute to a more "open" interpretation of gender and gender roles. Hopefully the next generation will have more choices than just either fully male or female. Freedom of self expression is key to good mental health. This is what I am trying to model, this is what I am teaching my children.
