by
Anya Silver
I am lifelong transgendered, and I came to know Jesus as my Lord
and Saviour at the age of twenty-one. Growing up in an agnostic
Jewish family, I really didn't understand much about God, and I
was always searching. Now that I know God, I sought to please Him.
Most of my Christian friends were pretty traditional. I was afraid of
being ostracized if I discussed my desire to dress as a woman. I had
positive changes in my life in the first year of knowing Jesus. They
pretty much followed the pattern of traditional Christians I knew,
but for some reason my crossdressing desires just wouldn't go away.
I joined the military and eventually married. I participated in the
traditional church work and did the things most men do. I told my
new wife that I was a crossdresser in the past, but I was struggling
with the issue and refraining from it. It seemed like I was succeeding,
but I was in continual discomfort, and I desperately wanted it to go away.
A few years latter I was alone at home watching a talk show.
The guests were men who dressed as, and some lived as, women.
I thought for a moment, "I'm not like these people", but
then I felt convicted. I knew deep down that I was just like them.
They were wearing what I dreamed of wearing, and being what
I dreamed of being. I was afraid of displeasing my Lord.
After the program ended, I went into my bedroom and broke down.
I cried out to God, "What can I do about this? Why is this
desire to dress up as a woman still with me? Is it really all right,
Lord? I want your answer!" I wanted to please my Lord so much!
I must have cried and prayed about three hours before I fell asleep.
When I first knew Jesus, I turned to Deuteronomy 22:5.
I read it and it hurt, but I noticed that I wasn't bothered about
any of the other laws in the chapter. I knew in Jesus that I
wasn't required to adhere to dietary laws, and my clothes were
of mixed fabrics. After all, it was society that said what men
and women could wear. Deep down, I knew that crossdressing
wasn't wrong, but the guilt and shame was too much to bear.
After I broke down, I felt that God was starting to use me. I had
never really experienced being used by God in a big way before.
I knew Him, but I was just moving through the motions in life.
I realized that He made me this way, and He wanted to use
me the way He made me. I was just too afraid to ask.
God showed me what His word really meant, because I was willing to
listen. He found me new friends who were also like me. He led me
to a church where I can participate as Anya. He took away all my
guilt and shame. I am much closer to God, because I wanted to be.
All I had to do was ask.
