by
Lee Frances Heller
"Deep within us is an amazing inner sanctuary of the soul, a Holy Place, a Divine center to which we continually return. It is a dynamic center, a created life that presses to birth within us. It is a seed stirring to life if we do not choke it. It is the presence of Christ in the midst." (from "A Testament of Devotion" by Thomas Kelly, a 15th Century mystic.)
… the core of the soul. In that core is the Central Silence, the pure peace and above of the heavenly birth, the place for this event: this utterance of God's Word. By nature the core of the soul is nothing but the Divine Being unmediated. Here God enters the soul with all He has and not partly. He enters the soul through its core, and nothing can touch that core except God Himself." (from "Meister Eckhart", a 14th Century mystic, as translated by Raymond Blankney.) As St. Paul said in Romans 8:37-39, "Nothing can separate us from the love of god …"
Man is God's temple. Innermost behind the veil lies the Holy of Holies, into which no human light has ever penetrated and no naked eye has ever pierced. It is the secret place of the Most High, the dwelling place of God. It is man's soul. Here man unites and communes with God." (from "The Spiritual Man" by Watchman Nee, a 20th Century Chinese Christian who spent 20 years in a communist prison in China for his faith.)
"What am I to do? I do not like the competitive masculine role I have to play. It's difficult to maintain perspective between my role as a father, and my feminine desires." (from a letter received recently). What am I to do? It's a question that never dies because the dilemma goes on and unmercifully on. I point you back to the beginning quotes. Communion with God can bring relief from the pressures.
"Why, God, did You make me like this?" "… I guess you could say I was born again at that time. Still, for some reason, I have not been able to believe that Jesus loves this part inside of me that wants to change what He has created." (recent letter) Jesus loves EVERY part of us. "Love is patient, love is kind … it always protects, always trusts, always perseveres. Love never fails." (I Cor. 13: 4) "But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to Him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" (Rom. 9:20) God loves what He made. Our problem is in not loving ourselves as He made us.
"I was born again in my hope to purge the femme within. To my heartbreak this was not to be. I did not turn from the One who saved me. What I learned was to seek even deeper the love and grace of God through Christ, His son. I no longer live under the condemnation of the Law. I live with the unfailing love of God." (recent letter).
The above is the solution a lot of us have employed. Maybe we can't solve the CD/CG (crossgendered) /TS problems of this body of flesh, but every body of flesh has a soul/spirit, and as the three quotations at the start of this letter will tell us, we have a part of us where God dwells that no man can take away from us. This is our place of retreat within ourselves. This is God to whom we turn and keep turning, and keep turning, and keep turning, regardless of our circumstances. "My wife is leaving me if I don't stop crossdressing." "I'll get fired from my job if I get caught." "My children have disowned me." Mine have, too.
My prayer for them is simply, "Forgive them in their ignorance, Father." For our own peace of mind and to keep from losing our perspective, we have to turn to the only One who understands us and knows every fiber of our being. St. Paul tells the Ephesian church, "I pray, that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being." (Eph. 3:16) Fill it. Ask Jesus Christ to come in and take up residence. "… that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Eph. 3:19b) Make no mistake. I have no panacea for gender problems, and I don't want you to think I do. I can't help you change in one letter or phone call what is a part of your being. Through G & L all of us are simply supporting you, loving you, and pointing you to the One that loves and understands you perfectly. Our motivation is His love in us and for us and reaching out to you through us. God does love you EXACTLY as you are. The Church as, for too long, rejected us, but God has not.
I have recently read two books, "The Cross and the Crossdresser", by Vanessa S. (published by JoAnn Robert's Creative Design Services), and "Ambigendered: God's Special Gift", by Dana Cole. I am so thankful God has raised up Vanessa, JoAnn and Dana to bring us a clearer understanding of His Word and His love for us. The tip of the spiritual iceberg has raised up even with the surface of the water, and I'm sure there are yet more CD/CG/TS authors to raise the faintly seen tip of the iceberg right out of the water. Let's thank God right now for good spiritual happenings coming to our community! The Church won't have us but God will!! Now, how 'bout dem apples? Ain't it great that God loves us in spite of the "religious right"?
So, enjoy God's blessings, cherish His love, and return it to another member of our community. St. Francis of Assisi greeted people with this greeting, "Peace and Good!" I'll close with it.
Peace and Good by yours, and lotsa Christian Love from me!
Lee Frances Heller, Summer '94
