"Michelle's Wife's Testimonial"

by

"The Wife"

We have been together for six and a half years, married for almost five. We have two beautiful children. We were never the movie couple - we all have struggles. But I never for a moment imagined that the marriage was anything less than "perfect". It was last year that he began to share his secrets with me. I can tell you that:

1. the acts came as a surprise, 2. the depth of the passion came as a total shock, 3. the lies, years and years of them, almost killed me.

About the acts, you have to understand that we were always a very open couple. One thing that we used to enjoy doing together was going to bachelor parties. I loved going to "clubs" with him, and being a bit daring in front of our friends. We always had a lot of fun. For our wedding, I asked that he wear something sexy under his tuxedo for the wedding night, as I was going to do the same. He wore a bright blue teddy. This was the first time that I saw him like this, but I just thought he was being silly. Perhaps more importantly, I thought that this was his first time. A lie.

More silliness: We all have silly talk that occurs in the privacy of our own bedroom. For some reason, one evening I was calling him a "bad girl" (I can't even remember the circumstance). I asked, "What is your name, bad girl?" He thought for a minute and then responded, "Michelle". Another "first" as far as I was concerned but, again, a long time secret. Allowing me to believe that he had just made this up was a lie.

So the acts were not a surprise. He liked to wear "silky things" to bed from time to time. OK, so what? As for the depth of the passion, by the time he told me, he had spent months on the road with his job, and told me that all through the fall he had acquired a wardrobe spending more than a thousand dollars on the credit cards, and had gotten photographs made. He even had an album from before we were married. I had no idea about the wigs, makeup, photo sessions, or any of that. All this was going on, not just before the marriage, but during. More lies.

Surprise and shock I could have gotten over fairly quickly. The lies ran deeper. The dressing was silliness that he did. The lies were AGAINST ME. Early on he said that he didn't expect me to be so upset (he thought for the longest time that I was upset about the cross-dressing when really I was wounded by the lies). My response was, "If you didn't think that I would be upset, why didn't you tell me? Of course you knew I would be upset or you wouldn't have spent all this time (and money) behind my back!"

We grew terribly angry with each other. Understand that he is a non-confrontational person, and I am the type who likes to resolve things quickly. Though different styles, when there is a problem in our marriage it rarely lasts. But this just grew and festered. The more hurt I became, the more he went behind my back because he didn't want to deal with me. That just compounded the lying and made me even more angry. At one point I mumbled, "I wish the whole thing would just go away", which he took literally. He took all of his stuff and moved it into a friend's apartment. That just made it easier for him to go behind my back. I was enraged and demanded that he bring it back. I always would rather know than be lied to.

At this point I must confess something. There is an expression that goes "hurt people, hurt people". The more hurt I became, the more I (consciously or sub-consciously) returned the hurt. Though initially the wounded party, I was far from being blameless for the events that transpired over the next ten months.

Things got ugly rapidly. Remember, we have a family. Even if separation was an option for me, I have a lot more to consider than just MY needs. I will move a mountain with my bare hands before I will raise the children without their father. BUT I am responsible for their values, morals and development. Well meaning friends and family members starting offering advice. Several people thought that I was better off in a happy divorce than a miserable marriage. Some even suggested that it would be better for the kids.

Here's the twist. I grew up in a non-religious home. Though technically Jewish, I had never been introduced to religion. I have a very dear friend whom I had admired for the three years that she had been my neighbor. She has a million loving friends, raises her children the way I would like to raise mine, conducts her marriage the way I would like to conduct mine, lives the way I would like to live. You know the type? Perhaps once in a lifetime, you meet the person who changes you; who you look up to; who you admire so much you want to be like them. My husband even used to jokingly tease that I was always trying to keep up with her. Several weeks before my world came caving in, she invited me to know her secret - Jesus Christ. Now, don't stop reading...this is important! Believe it or not, Christianity saved our marriage. Does that sound nuts or what?

My friend is the best listener I have ever met, and her advice is rock solid. Where one might have expected her to say, "Everyone will understand if you leave this marriage and, in fact, it would be better for you to get the kids out of there," this was the opposite of her council. Whether or not you have accepted Christ as your personal savior as I have, these biblical principles still apply. No matter who you are or what you believe as far as eternity, she hit the nail dead on the head.

1. The first thing that she told me is about my responsibility for loving my husband. Love is not something that you feel one day and lose the next.

Jesus said, " 'This is my command: Love each other.' " (John 15:17)

What a relief! You mean that I don't have to wake up every morning and take my own pulse to see if I still love him? You mean I can stop worrying about whether we have "lost that loving feeling"? I just get out of bed and do it! That is my job! No matter how angry I might be, I have to love the man inside, the man I married, the real person who the Lord created in all perfection, in the image of Himself. Love is not a feeling, it's an obligation. Can you see how that lets you off the emotional hook? Stop thinking about whether you should stay in a difficult marriage and commit to loving each other.

2. Second, she suggested that I, as the wife, take the responsibility of providing a safe haven in the home when he returns from work. Now, I am as much of a liberated woman as the next (biological) woman. I owned a computer training company for years. She was not suggesting that I become a door mat. Again, keep reading!

Consider this: If I jump on his case the minute he walks in the door at night (which I was doing), how likely is it that he is going to want to come home, let alone be smiling when he comes through the door? He is more likely to want to work late, or make plans with his friends, rather than face my wrath. So what do I do? Yap at him all the more loudly when he gets home late. Sound familiar? Try this: "Honey, I'm so glad that you are home!" (Hug, kiss, before another word comes out of my mouth). "How was your day? You look tired. I missed you today and I'm sure glad that you're home."

That's not to say that I slave over him, or that his needs are the only needs. But wouldn't you rather come home to this than to scorn? Here's a shock: It didn't take many nights of me treating him this way before he treated me this way back! "Boy, Honey, sounds like you had a long day too. Let's go let the kids romp at McDonald's so that you and I can just talk. And by the way, I missed you too."

But the cloud of lies was still there. The hurt ran deep. Ironically, the grand finale, the fight that I thought that I could never be a part of, occurred on Christmas day, ten months after this thing began, and my first "real" Christmas (as a Christian, I mean). Imagine - a 2 and 3 year old, wide-eyed at the treasures from Santa, guests on their way for dinner, and that was it. It all blew up. For the first time in my life, I saw my non-confrontational husband angry...and I mean rage. I thought the marriage was over for sure. So I prayed ... and prayed ... and prayed.

Here's the awesome part. They had been talking in Sunday school about Peter.

"During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. 'It's a ghost,' they said, and cried out of fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: 'Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid.'

'Lord, if it's you,' Peter replied, 'tell me to come to you on the water.'

'Come,' he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!'

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?' " (Matthew 15:25-31)

So, Peter (1) asked of the Lord, (2) got out of the boat and walked on water, BUT (3) saw the wind, (4) became afraid, and (5)began to sink!

That was me!! I had asked the Lord for help, but I kept taking my eyes off of Jesus and trying to take control of the situation myself. God was waiting for me to give it to Him. I fell down beside my bed and cried out, "Lord, Lord, I am drowning in the waves. I've fallen so far that I can't even see Jesus anymore. I'm afraid I'm going to die!" Is this you, my friend? If so, my heart aches for you. Know that you are not the first and you are not alone. You are loved! You are loved as the son or daughter of your true Father. He wants to save you.

I tell you the truth, at that moment, I saw the hand of God reach down to me through the storm. There He was, waiting to save me. In that instant, the storm subsided. The Lord rescued me. But I had to release the whole situation to Him. I had to ask to be rescued. Ask my husband. It is as if a switch flipped and there was peace in the home. I am chilled to the bone every time I think about it.

OK, the obvious Christian question that I feel I must address:

Is cross-dressing a sin?

"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this." (Deuteronomy 22: 5)

My husband doesn't agree on context, but I believe that answers the question very directly. But, wives, before you use this against your husband, read on, for it is also written,

"There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by this grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3: 22,23)

We are ALL sinners. As far as God is concerned, when I say something ugly about someone, or get angry, or any one of a long LIST of things that are sins against God that I do on any given day, I am just as "guilty" as the cross-dresser is. Sin is sin as far as God is concerned. Remember our command from Jesus? "Love Each Other!" I must LOVE the man even if I hate the sin. I must be able to discern for myself what is right and what is wrong, but judgement belongs to the Lord alone.

" 'If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.' " (John 8:7)

Note: As for Deuteronomy being part of the "old law", read on in Romans where it says, "Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith [in Christ Jesus]? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law." (Romans 3:31)*

As far as discernment, I don't wish to participate in what he is doing. You've noticed that I don't call him "her". "He" is my husband, the man I married, the man with whom I have committed to spend a lifetime, the man I love with all my heart. I went to the Texas T Party to support him, to show love and respect to him, not because I cared to participate.

I can't conclude without advice. You can choose to take it or leave it! Here goes:

If you want to be loved, you must love!!

Stop lying to your spouses. Abandon the affairs, the separate credit cards, the post office boxes. End the anger. Allow her to be hurt if she has cause. Love each other! Give her time.

Because you can read this letter in several minutes, do not miss the fact that it took us many months to heal. Husbands, you have had years to ponder your preferences and struggles. Many of you have ached over your situation, and perhaps still do. She needs time to digest and absorb what has taken years for you to get to. Wait for her! Allow her to ask the hard questions. Answer honestly but with love.

If she is like I was, she is questioning her appeal as a woman. She may be wondering if she is so unattractive that you turned to men. I felt as if my husband was having an affair, in a sense, with "Michelle". My husband could not be in two places at once (he still knows this to be true). He is either my husband or "Michelle". I needed to know with every bit of reinforcement he could muster (and that was very little at first, especially while I was shooting verbal arrows back at him) that he was still my husband...and planned to be forever! Give her time. Every time you volley a hurt back at her, you are adding to the necessary healing time. Stop hurting each other.

Ask Jesus into your heart. If you have a notion to, ask Jesus into your heart. Invite Him to be your personal savior as I have. All you have to do is get down on your knees and ask.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13)*

Apologize and forgive each other.

Admit to each other (and preferably to God) that you are BOTH guilty of lies, anger, bitter words, hurting each other. And, with all of your heart, forgive each other. No conditions, no "I forgive you, but...", or "I forgive you if..." but "I forgive you completely, no strings attached."

Give it to God.

Admit that you can't fix it yourself. If you have read this far, I'm guessing that you have tried to make repairs and haven't succeeded. Unclench your fists. Release control to the Lord. What a relief to give it away!

" 'Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.' " (Matthew 11:28-30)*

Stop trying to change your spouse. Work on changing yourself.

Stop praying for your spouse to change. My pastor always says to each married person that the biggest problem in the marriage is yourself! You can't change the other person, you can only change yourself. Let the Lord take care of the other person. After all, He knows the plan and you don't. I prayed and prayed that he would change. I mentioned above that I wanted it all to "just go away". I realized that He had other plans. Now I realize that we had to go through what we did to get to where we are. We have been blessed! Pray for your spouse's salvation, and pray to the Lord, "Thy will be done," with a humble heart.

Get help.

Please seek help if you need it. If you want to talk about Christ, I would be thrilled to talk more with you. I have NO qualifications as a professional but I have been there and I will do the best I can to give you biblical truth. Know this, my friend, that if you choose to contact me, it is because I have prayed for you first!! Come, let's talk. Send a message to "Michelle" but ask him to pass it on to "The Wife". Mark it private if you like - "Michelle" always honors privacy!! Invite your spouse to write to me if you think it would help. Allow that person the same privacy! Focus on healing the hurt. (You may disagree with me. I reserve the right to be incorrect! My husband would tell you that I have been incorrect before! But I will love you just the same.)

Have a thankful heart.

Thank God for all that He has done, for all that He is going to do for you and through you, for His mercy and grace, and for who He is! This may be the hardest thing that I have asked you to do but there is nothing that you could have done that He can not forgive!! Getting forgiveness from your spouse, friends, family, ... That is the hard part! Forgiveness (both of you, and not just for the cross-dressing) is free for the asking! You can't get a better deal than that!

Such is my testimony! May the Lord bless you as richly and fully as He has me and my marriage.

"THe Wife"

P.S. As odd as it may sound, we have been given an incredible gift through this heart wrenching struggle. Our marriage is stronger than ever. What's more, how could I help others had I not been there myself. We count ourselves among the blessed for this experience and I pray for you all. Praise God.

All quotes are from the New International Version (NIV) Bible.