As the years of high school continued so did my urge to cross dress. I found that working was a way to keep this expensive habit going and everyone was happy. I found out that catalog ordering was the ticket to restocking my wardrobe. I found myself struggling over and over with the desire to dress and the many purges that followed. On one side I was in seventh heaven when dressed and on the other side I felt so much guilt and denial and was so ashamed that I was dressing like a girl.

I had very few friends. I could count them on one hand. I hated every waking day of my life in high school. I somehow survived by inventing my own personal friend within myself to talk to. There was very little love at home and my dad made life a living hell. It was almost like ...will I survive until morning. Life was pretty grim. I became introverted and turned very cold to society.

Work entailed sweeping the floor at my dad's shop. I had to walk there after school and always passed the church on the way. Our minister always told us that the church would always be open if we ever needed to prey. I remember several times stopping by and preying in the dark asking for god's forgiveness and letting this madness end. At the time I thought cross-dressing was a terrible thing and purged my wardrobe several times. I never really understood that this was the way god created me and was a hidden gift until almost thirty years later.

At home I became the master of hiding the stuff. I thought I was really good at keeping this a secret. All along I was thinking about how good it would feel to be tight laced into a very tight restrictive corset. The idea of having a tiny waist and having that constant hug was something I craved for. I spent quite a lot of time over the years trying to find a corsetiere to make one but never seemed to find one. I even tried to construct one from scratch but it never worked out.

Then one day at college it happened, I met a girl. I disliked her at the time. She had so much makeup on she looked out of place. As the weeks progressed I soon became friends and we started dating. She was the one to ask me out. We would spend hours talking and having fun. Three years would pass before I married this gal, my future wife.

The shit hit the fan at home once again. While I had my girl friend and two of her friends over at our house for a visit, my dad popped in to say hi. He asked me what the nature of the letter he was holding was all about. Evidently the mail order company was interested in finding out how I liked all the lingerie that I had purchased. The company was very interested in my opinion and satisfaction. My jaw must have hit the ground. There were three girls and my dad in front of me waiting for an answer and my face was beet red and on fire. By now I had become a master at dreaming up ideas. I said it was for a fraternity prank. Of coarse that's it! They bought it. I had to be way more careful.

Cars and women then became a big motivator for me. Cross-dressing seemed to take a back seat for a while. During one of my dates with my wife I told her that I had done things that I could never admit to. I never had the guts to admit cross-dressing to anyone at the time. One seems so alone and as if you are the only one on the planet. At the time it didn't matter. We were in love. Love was such a new thing and distracted my attention away from the cross-dressing. I thought I could hide it from her forever.

Around this time in my life I grew a beard and never once shaved it for 25 years. It was a facade for me to hide behind. A masquerade show to prove I was manly.

One night during one of our more creative and wild sexual encounters I had tied my wife up and blind folded her. I then went and changed into some of her lingerie and returned for some wild sex. It is amazing how the alcohol relaxes the mind and the true inner person emerges from within. The girl within was having the time of her life with my wife and suddenly my wife realized what I was wearing. Even though she could not see she could tell what I had on. She was not a happy camper. Not a good way to let her find out. I blew it off as just some fun and she seemed Ok with that even though deep down I wanted to tell her. I never pulled that one again as I did not have the courage. I had slipped up. I just could not face the truth and tell her. I tried to bury the cross dressing back deeper into my mind.

Children finally came about and then the urge for me to dress reappeared as well. Not having sex for six weeks was hard. The cross dressing was back in full swing. This time I had to be very careful. I dare not let her find out. I really wanted to secretly get into her wedding dress but the opportunity never presented itself to this day. I became very worrisome that I would forget some detail and slip up. This worrying led to a very horrible stomach disorder that I did not know the cause of at the time. It manifested over time from many years prior. Atrophic Gastritis - the lining of my stomach had disappeared. It became so bad that I told the doc that if this were how life had to go on I would rather die. The doc had said that this was a disease that women usually get and there was no set time period for cure. They didn't know the cause and didn't know the cure except for time. Just the news I needed to hear - I had a womanly disease. With drugs it took 8 years to get over.

Then one night I was to embark on a very difficult journey. It started by us watching a special on Drew Carry. He went on to tell how he was child molested when he was a young boy. That statement hit me like a bolt of lighting. I was frozen in time as I remembered back to when it had happened to me. Tears started to run down my cheeks as I listened and tried to fight back the tears. I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of my wife. This was the start of me coming to terms with my hidden past and the cross-dressing. Slowly but surely I was coming out and there was no stopping. For quite a long period I struggled with what was going on inside me. I seemed out of sorts and had no control over emotional things. My wife asked me for the longest time what was ailing me and that she could see a dramatic change in me, as I was depressed and very quiet once again.

I bought a book called Parting the Leather Curtain. At the time it seemed something to re spark the life back into our marriage and get me out of the rut I was in. Written by mistress Jacqueline, It was her life story and how she came to terms with it. It talks about how she evolved from being a submissive partner who always wanted to be spanked. Eventually she became a Mistress who now provides these activities to individuals who need it. I was one of those people. I deserved to be punished and wanted it to be at my wife's hand. I tried to get my wife to read the book and kind of get the idea. She wasn't into this sort of thing. I became even more demanding. Now I was becoming sadistic. I wanted my wife to tie me up and treat me bad like she was my leather-clad mistress. You know all the associated things that go with it. I was becoming a different man. Almost like Dr. Jerky and Mr. Hyde. Our marriage was suffering badly.

I was in shock. I wanted her to do the legwork. I wanted her to do the telling with hopes that my wife would be accepting of my cross-dressing. I finally got up the nerve to tell my wife. Not the complete part of my desires, just the fringe stuff. I kept my composure and she was in shock. This info had caught her totally off guard. I thought it would be the end for sure. Low and behold she sort of accepted it and agreed to attend the next meeting with the doc. At the next visit the doc suggested that I continue the mild cross-dressing. I was the happiest man alive then. But it took two more trips to the doc for my wife to accept what I was doing. I felt good that I had saved the marriage and had the blessing to cross dress. I thought I was in seventh heaven.