Oh yes... I left off with my wife only partially knowing. Sometime during the process of writing down my childhood memories I realized that I was beginning to find out whom the other person was that I had hid from for so many years. I was on a quest to find out why me? Now at the age of 44, happily married for 22 years, two wonderful boys, president of a manufacturing firm, and here I was miserable with who I was and had become.
The following day I started to read the books from Peggy Rudd and my world seemed to come to a halt. The words that were written seemed to come straight out of my head and onto the pages. Tears of an entire childhood frustration, guilt, denial, and shame seemed to be producing a non-stop flow that I could not control. I couldn't even see the pages. I was at work and was afraid someone might come in and see me in this state. I gain composure and read on. The words were as if this author had analyzed my mind and wrote all my feelings and thoughts that were generated for the last 35 years. I finally had to stop...this was way too weird.
I thought about what the books had to say in between reading and working. As I read on I realized that I was beginning to see the real me. I really didn't like what I saw. The realization of who I really was all along finally set in. A transvestite. A man who wants to wear women's clothes and to imitate the life style of them. What a shock...and nothing to cure the illness that was eating me alive from the insides. The author had stated that all T's should at sometime dress all the way and face the fact that this who they really are and there is no cure. During the next several weeks I accomplished nothing at work. I had to get myself out of the closet and face reality.... no more hiding. This meant telling my wife the whole complete story. I e-mailed Dr. Rudd and told her my thoughts. I felt compelled to meet this woman who new more about me than myself. This was my new mission in life.
It was at this time in my life where the going was the most difficult. It is like mountain climbing and a vertical wall is going straight up. Your half way up and a slip can be dangerous.
Once again I jotted down all my childhood thoughts with complete graphic details of how I secretly wanted to dress and become like a woman. I knew this was the beginning of acceptance of who I really am. I told my wife I was a liar and had more to get off my chest. She thought that she had been told everything. Then I read her my notes. They also included how I always dreamed of sneaking to her moms and putting on her wedding dress...Also how much I loved all the things that women wore. I wanted to be corseted, wear girdles, nylons and a women's business suit to work. She was in major shock. Then she became very upset. I feared that since she had two gay brothers that I would be viewed in the same manor and she may leave me for good. On the contrary she was upset because she was never told the truth in which I had hid from her for so long. By now I was crying the hardest I ever had since I was a little boy. I was shaking uncontrollably. I thought our marriage was over. I decided to read one more thing that Dr. Rudd had written back to my wife and I via e-mail. I went something like this: My heart goes out to you both and I would like to extend an invitation to the Spice conference in Houston Texas. This is a learning experience for both parties in a relationship to gain knowledge and understanding of cross-dressing. Won't you please join us?
Believe it or not my wife said, "Why don't we go". I was thrilled to death to think she was going to try and see this thing through to save our relationship and not let the cross-dressing come between us.
This brief time is when I felt the weight of the world being lifted from me. The climb to the top was in clear view and just more steps away. It was like getting a new chance at life itself.
We went to Houston and when we arrived at the conference there was a person there to meet me. Not realizing this I was immediately greeted by Brenda, a full time transgendered person, and was immediately questioned about my past. She had been sent to intercept me and get the ball rolling as soon as possible. She did not beat around the bushes as she hammered away right in front of my wife. I think my wife became embarrassed and left to meet others. I stood there toe-to-toe and listened patiently as she stated there were no answers to the questions, only questions to ponder and face reality. I was in major shock. I never knew people like me even existed. During the week long conference we both found the value of constant communication and Brenda became a lifelong friend we will both never forget. SPICE was a very valuable tool that both of us needed to figure out the big picture, our future. Thank you Brenda for prying my butt out of the closet!
When we returned home things were sort of strange for a while. It was almost like two strangers living in the same home. My wife didn't seem to trust me and the guilt never seemed to go away. The road for us was kind of rocky. I decided to shave off my beard after 25years. My wife was pissed when she heard this. Almost all of our marriage had been with me wearing one and now the only the last shred of visual masculinity was about to go. All she could think about was the image of a woman that might appear on my face. I went through with it and I finally saw the real person emerge form within. I realized I had been hiding behind that beard for all those years. It was like taking off the handcuffs and opening the prison door. I was free. I was starting to see the woman with me. I had reached the summit of my climb and the view was breathtaking. It took my wife several months to get used to the sight of me, as the beard was something she always associated me with.
Oh one thing I should mention here...The name Francine was actually one I had sort of picked out for myself and also one my wife joked about one time. The name has stuck.
Since then I have accepted the fact that I am different and it is OK to dress. My wife started off a little shaky but every day she is becoming more accepting of the need for me to dress. She is afraid that she is going to loose the man she married to a man who wants to become a woman. This takes constant reassurance on my part that I am not going to change. The one thing I have realized is that I cannot race out of the closet. I am proceeding with caution...after all Rome wasn't built in one day. Today I am the happiest I have ever been in a long time.
My life goal now is to provide others with help.
There is a reason to this long story. I have written it for others to read so they do not follow in the same footsteps that nearly cost me my life. There is nothing shameful about cross-dressing. It is who you are. God made us this way and he doesn't make junk. Just because society does not accept it doesn't mean that it is wrong. There is nothing in this world that is worth taking your own life over. Cross dressers are not some freak of nature that preys on women and children. We are nothing to be afraid of. We just like dressing a little different. By enlarge we are all very well educated and well respected members of society who have loving families. We have all been blessed with a special gift or talent that ordinary men do not have. I think that is good and makes us just a notch higher than normal. How much better can it get? God I love who I am and how God created me!
I would like to thank all of you who have extended a helping hand to me when it was needed the most. You are all wonderful people!