The following is the unfinished business I struggle with from day to day within myself. It is not what's wrong with me, just stuff I think about and ponder from time to time. I know we all think about hidden stuff within our own minds but this is the stuff that bugs me all the time. Some of this is scary even for me to write. I guess maybe we need to face our fears to find out who we are and where we are headed. Don't get the wrong idea here. I'm not going off to the deep end.

I often ask myself what the f*** I am doing. This usually stems from "zoned out" daydreaming. Those that know me well know what I am talking about. I can stare right through people and things as if they do not exist for several minutes at a time. I daydream about cross dressing and becoming transgendered. I also daydream of difficult problems to solve. I often find myself doing this and it leads to tremendous procrastination at work. Work piles up and I get very little accomplished. Even worse is when it happens during business meetings. Thank god it doesn't happen every day. It is very embarrassing when someone is talking to you and you see right through him or her as if they don't exist. This also leads to depression that is usually short lived. I know I must control this. It has been with me all my life just like crossdressing.

Back in the early 80's I remember very distinctly about writing to Spartacus about how I always thought about becoming a woman. Back then I never gave it much thought and it scared me so much I pushed it far back into my mind. How could one ever think about such a thing? What prompted me to write that? Was it a subliminal time sensitive thought just escaping at the right moment? I really didn't do that did I? I never realized that 20 years later it would come back to haunt me and keep me from being productive. I go through these phases every now and then but the reality of it all just cannot work. I enjoy being myself too much and living the life of Francine is just a fantasy. Or is it? That is the struggle. It is like riding on a see saw day after day. I just want it to stop and let me live my life peacefully. This cannot exist at the same time my marriage does and certainly society and business just won't allow Francine to run the business. I love my wife and family more than anything. Something has to give, as the life of Francine is not a viable option. The contract and commitment I gave long ago rules my life by my ethics. I will uphold my end of the bargain.

Long ago there was a time where I used to be like my father. He hated queers and his war stories from the Navy were a testiment to it. Like him I was convinced that any guy who like guys or guys who did feminine things was being queer. I was a kid at the time and had no idea why. It was just the thing to do because my dad said so. I never knew anyone that was this way, or so I thought. To this day the thought of the word seems to be the most hideous thing to me. A very poor choice of words dad! As I began to mature I realized I was not that far removed from these folks that were called queer or gay. The dilema was what would my dad think of me if he ever knew about me?

In high school there was a kid two years older than I and he always carried his books like a girl and would sit like one. The kids always picked on him and made fun of him. The sneering and talking behind his back was always eating away at him. About ten years later he had SRS surgery. It was the talk of the town and quite a shock to everyone including me. In 1980's this was quite a big deal. I just couldn't understand what would make someone want to trade sexes. I really wanted to meet this guy/girl because I felt sorry for her/him. I didn't know why at the time. It was just easier to go along with the crowd and make fun of it. I always wonder what happened to this person. I still remember his name but know nothing of his family.

Another kid in my own class was very much the same way. He was a friend prior to school and I always felt a pull to befriend him but never did. As young children he taught me how to climb up a rope. I thought this was a real feat. We never really connected throughout school. As school progressed he became more and more withdrawn from the rest of the kids. He was different and we all knew it. He isolated himself from the rest of society and stay far removed from the mainstream. Could you blame him? Every once in a while I see the guy and want so badly to talk to him but do not know how to ask of his nature. What do you do just go up and ask if he is gay or transgendered? I want the chance to tell him it is OK.

On my way through college I met my future wife and we became best friends. I knew that she had two brothers and a sister but never met the brothers. One lived in New York and the other lived in California at the time. After we were married I then met my wife's brothers and found out they were both gay. I about wanted to die! How could it be I was chosen to marry into such a family? I was ashamed to tell anyone. For years I felt so ashamed to be associated with them for fear of what the rest of the world thought. As I look back everyone else knew and never said a word. It was almost like a secret.

After marriage we were on a flight down to Miami and I had to be the one chosen to sit next to a gay guy. You kind of get the idea when you ask where they are heading when they say they are visiting "just friends" at thanksgiving. He was also taking along a box of Godiva chocolates. I knew the routine after knowing my brothers in law after several years. You know full well they have names but won't acknowledge them ever. I remember asking my wife, why it was me who always gets the gay guys. Maybe part of the big picture was that I was being broken into the thought of accepting this behavior a little at a time. I think someone was trying to tell me something.

One day at work, I received a call from one of my childhood buddies. He called after 17 years without contact to make up for lost time. Our high school friendship had become fractured during high school over a stupid argument. He had called to tell me he missed the days when we were kids. We did have many great times when we were kids. We both attended a science fair. He was trying to study the effects of toluene producing cancer in mice and I was trying to study the effects of electron bombardment with a particle accelerator, a home made one I might add. The call was short and brief and I thought the call so strange and did not make much talk. We said our good bye's and it ended. A couple of weeks later I learned he died from aids. I almost wanted to crawl into a whole and die. I had let him down by not offering my friend ship in return. He had called to mend the past as he knew his time was near and I was the one who barely said a word. I felt like a heel. Arthur I am truly sorry for not extending my friendship in return.

Business also took me to New Jersey very close to where my brother in law lived in NY. I stayed with him one night to save money for a room. He showed me all of New York City and I was never so scared in all my life riding on a subway train in another world with a gay guy. It was packed with people. The people there were very standoffish and I felt isolated. The people in New York are way different than the Midwest. Not friendly at all. We went to a town carnival and had a wonderful time. I stayed the night, did my business in Jersey and left for home. It didn't seem all that bad staying with a gay guy. He seemed perfectly normal to me. He made me breakfast and I met several of his close friends. Then a few years later he died from aids as well. It was a very sad day for the family but I never saw why at the time. I just thought it was justice for gay guys having too much of a good time. I had fallen into the trap of condemning gay people just like society. It wasn't right and it wasn't funny.

Years later I eventually came out of the closet. An extremely emotional time I might add. Years of pent up feelings I was too afraid to express all racing out of me at once. This is when I realized I was not that far removed from gay and transgendered folks. This is when I realized that being gay or transgendered is part of the norm. I was beginning to understand the big picture about me and the rest of the world. God had created them just like me and he doesn't make junk. It is society who wants us to believe he has. As I look back I about want to die for all the mean things I've done to others. It was wrong of me to think the way I did. I want to go back and tell them I love them and tell them how sorry I was for making their life even more hellish. I know I can't go back and wonder if it is too late to make up for lost time by changing my ways and helping others like us now. I often wonder if all of these different people who I met along the way was a test to prove my worth and to eventually change mankind's thinking. I would like to think so. I have another 40-50 years to get the word out and to change the world. At least I am going to give it hell trying.

Shortly after coming out, my wife and I attended SPICE and met a very nice looking guy the first night we were there. I didn't know it until later he was a guest speaker there. We all attended a very stiff picnic the first night and he was so glad we made his night comforting and had a great time. During the conference his mission was to informed us he was gay and how he hated it as he told his life story for us. I felt so sorry for him. Not because he was gay but because he didn't want to deal with the cards God had given him. His goal was to get us all to see that we are not in control of who we are. It is at the hands of our creator. We became good friends and one whom I will never give up on. Ed miller, if you out there man we love you.

Not very long ago one of my close friends son just committed suicide. He was no more than 25 years old. This happened just before I came out. I look back and wish I could have been there for him to point the way. I later told his mother and father I had been there once, in his shoes. I tried to make sure they knew it was not their fault. When all along I know what drives these people to the end. To this day they have been sort of removed from me. I feel sorry for them. They lost a wonderful son because society drove him away and he didn't have the courage to deal with it.

All of this was written after reading the web site of Renee Reyes. A person I look up to in many ways. She has challenged many to write about their own past to see how screwy it looks as her has looked to others. Some of which are the things she thinks about and things she has done. We think along the same lines very much. It scares the hell out of me as I sometimes consider her lifestyle myself. It is strange to imagine if things had gone just a little different with me, my life may not be far removed from hers. After reading much of her site I realized how similar we are. This really got me thinking about the reality of living as a woman. When in reality I have to consider my age, surgery required, the change of life style, family, and loss of my job, all of which I love way too much to let go. All of these things add up to...it cannot be feasible. So I live life to the fullest with the cards I have been dealt. I have to look at the positive things I have done and what I still want to accomplish. The list is very long and time so little. I would like to build my own 60' yacht and cruise the Great Lakes.

I tend to surround myself with people of Renee's caliber. Many are of the Mensa recognized or calibre. I often wonder if they too are TG or Gay. It doesn't matter at all. I fit right in. I love them more than anyone will ever know. They have made my life much easier to deal with and I owe them eternal gratitude. In return I owe them making their life a little easier to deal with as well. We all need each other to run our lives, kind of like I'm OK... your OK. We need to know it's Ok to be different. It's what makes the world go around.

You can bet your ass this person is making sure my two boys and every one around me knows that society has to be totally tolerant of individuals who appear different. It is high time we educated those pig headed individuals who think otherwise and force the rest of society to change. This dream I will follow with all my heart.