Lions and Cats

I got e-mail from someone the other day that contained a phrase something like "I really do admire your courage." Now, I don't think of myself as someone who is courageous. I think folks like Rosa Parks and Christopher Reeves have courage. I, on the other hand, just like to be myself and that isn't courageous behavior. However, that's when it occurred to me that perhaps courage is a relative thing. For instance, courage to a claustrophobe might be just getting on a crowded elevator. To the person who sent me the e-mail, the fact that I put on a dress and high heels and makeup and go out in public is a courageous act. To me, it's just doing something else that I enjoy. It's not much different nowadays from my putting on spandex shorts and wrist protectors and sunscreen and going out skating.

So, are there any absolutes when it comes to courage; absolutes that we all agree on and that might merit the comparison to the "courage of a lion"? Well, sure there are. I think that anytime someone recognizes fear and faces it and makes an effort to overcome it, that constitutes courage. To the claustrophobe, getting on the elevator takes courage, and we should all recognize that fact, even though that act might not be a big deal for most of us. Similarly, we need to laud the courage it takes for anyone to acknowledge that they are different and to be proud of themselves because of that nonconformity. And while shopping en femme might be life as usual for you now, don't ever forget that somewhere someone is gathering up the nerve to step out of the house for the first time. Those people may suddenly discover that they, too, have the courage of a lion . just like the rest of us.

In a completely different vein (or maybe not), let's talk about suicide. During the holidays, we hear a lot about how that time of year is very depressing for a lot of people and how the suicide rate goes up at the end of the year. It occurred to me this year as I heard this statistic yet again, that even though I've been through some very bad, very depressing, very painful things in my life, I had never really contemplated taking my own life. Movies and the popular press would lead us to believe that everyone has thought about suicide at some point, especially at a really low point, in their lives, but not me. I started to wonder if I was actually mentally deficient because I HADN'T looked upon suicide as a way out, a relief from a bad situation at some of those terribly depressing times.

I quickly convinced myself that I wasn't any worse off than I had thought, and that I was only as warped as I had ever been, but that again opened up the question of why I hadn't looked at that final escape. My initial thought was that I really did have some kind of absolute courage (see, it ties together) to face up to all my problems and to try and solve them. That thought, however, was immediately followed by a loud internal declaration of "Bullshit!". I know only too well that I do run from problems, just not in the direction of suicide. But I finally figured it out.

I never contemplated suicide because I never want to die -- period. Not because I'm afraid of death or any such thing as that. No, it's much simpler than fear of dying: I don't want to die because I want to see how it all turns out. I have this huge, innate sense of curiosity. Yes, I'm curious about what happens after death, but I've already started down THIS road. I'm HERE now; I'll worry about that later. I not only want to know how things work and what people are really like, but I also want to see how it all ends and what happens between now and then. Where is nanotech going? Will we ever have direct links between our brains and our computers? Will my son or my nieces or nephews be president of the country? What will the death of the sun look like? Will my life make a difference?

Sure, this driving desire to find out things has gotten me into a lot of trouble, but it has also kept me around to be able to get into trouble again. (And incidentally, to learn lots of lessons and find out lots of answers.) To trot out yet another animal metaphor, we may all have the courage of a lion in some form, but I think that it is just as important to have the curiosity of a cat. Courage without a quest is wasted effort, and a quest without conviction goes nowhere. Besides, why do you think some cats have nine lives, anyway? So they can live long enough to get their questions answered.