Now

Several things happened recently that got me to thinking of both the past and the future. First, I discovered that an old friend from high school was also a transgendered sister, and my thoughts turned to high school (in the distant past). Second, I happened to come in to work early one morning during a test of the backup diesel power generator for my building, and my thoughts turned to my Navy career. (The diesel generator sounded and smelled a lot like the one on my submarine.) Because of those thoughts of the past, I started wondering if it was a simpler time then, and therefore a better time. But I quickly disabused myself of that notion.

My past was neither a simpler nor a better time than my present. For starters, I didn’t have much money, and poverty tends to exert a negative influence on one’s life. But more importantly, I wasn’t very happy with who I was then. In the past, I had yet to accept the fact that I was transgendered, much less to actually enjoy it. In high school, I compensated for my femininity by being the quintessential juvenile delinquent bad boy. In the Navy, I was in the submarine service. I was thus submerged at sea for months, deliberately isolating myself not only from the rest of the world, but also from any opportunity to express my feminine nature. Today, I accept who I am, and I even like myself.

I started pondering the future when a girlfriend of mine asked me if I had changed my mind about "going all the way", which was her way of asking whether I was now seriously contemplating SRS. I assured her that I still had no intention of such a thing and of course, immediately asked her what had prompted her question. Her reply was that over the past year, she had seen me become much more feminine, in both appearance and mannerisms, and figured that transitioning prior to SRS was the only explanation for her observation. I reassured her that what she has seen was just me being me, with no real end result in mind. But of course, she got me started thinking about just where I will be in the future.

I started by considering where I would really like to be in 5 years. Then I threw in a healthy dose of reality, and ended up thinking about where it is likely I will be in 5 years. I won’t go into the details of those musings, but I finally realized that any future point in my life is basically unknown. I can do some things to influence my future, but most things happen in the universe without regard for my wishes.

So, where does that leave me? In the same place it leaves all of us: right here, right now, in the present, today. That’s really all there is for anyone, so we might as well make it as good as it can be. Yesterday is over and can’t be altered, so it doesn’t help to relive it. Tomorrow is unknown and might never even come, so don’t spend a lot of time worrying about it. Sure, you should acknowledge that your past got you where you are today, and that today is the foundation of your future. Remember, however, that today is all you ever really have -- live in this moment and be happy with yourself in it.