Smile when I say that...

The following is the stand-up monologue I did for my talent portion at the 1995 Miss Be-All Pageant in Cincinnati. It's as accurate a transcript as I can come up with, working strictly from memory. Would you believe that no one (including me) bothered to capture this historic occasion on an electronic medium? And if it doesn't seem very funny to you ... well, I guess you had to be there.

Before I begin, I have some late-breaking news that is of potential importance to our community here. I just heard on the radio back stage that there has been an explosion at the Lee Pharmaceutical and Cosmetic Company. A company spokesman said that the explosion and subsequent fire occurred in their adhesives research lab, and that while no one was injured, there was a large amount of property damage and the lab was completely destroyed. He concluded by saying that because of this tragedy, the release of their new Lee Press-On Breasts would be delayed indefinitely. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings.

Well, as you heard from Jennifer, my name is Jami Ward, and I am from Texas. I know ... you're all saying to yourselves right now, "Hell, that hair's not nearly big enough to be from Texas." But that's OK, because what I lack in hair, I make up for in feet. And you know what they say about big feet, right? The bigger the feet, the bigger the ... shoes that go on 'em.

I was actually born in East Texas, on the Gulf coast, and I grew up there and in the swamps in the heart of Cajun country in south Louisiana. Hell, I've lived down next to the water on the Gulf coast for so long that when I get north of Interstate 10, I have to start putting lotion on my feet because the webs between my toes start to dry out.

Growing up in both Texas and Louisiana as a kid left me in a real dilemma about what I wanted to be when I grew up. On one hand, the Texas influence pulled me towards being a cowboy - because they get to wear high heels all the time. On the other hand, the Louisiana, Catholic Church influence pulled me towards being a priest - because they get to wear those long dresses all the time. But once I found out what the Church meant by celibacy, that's when I knew that I was going to make one hell of a cowboy!

In reality, after a short 9 year intermission to serve in the Navy, I ended up in the computer industry. You see, one of the other words I learned the meaning of was "work", so I tried to pick a career that I figured would expose me to as little of it as possible. It's not that I'm lazy - we prefer the term "motivationally challenged". I'm a firm believer in bed rest as a solution to problems, too. You know, if you get up in the morning to go to work and your car doesn't start - bed rest. After all, it can't hurt, and your car just MIGHT start the next time you get up and try it. Besides, they do call it beauty SLEEP, don't they?

Anyway, I now work with computers in the software side of the business, as opposed to the hardware side. You know what the difference is, right? Software is nothing but all the programs that you run on your computer, and hardware is the part that you kick when the software doesn't work. But that really shouldn't happen because, like people, nice computers shouldn't go down.

Working with programmers has shown me one thing. There are a lot of different computer programming languages like Basic and Fortran and C and so on, but there is one common language that every programmer knows: profanity.

My job takes me traveling around the country and everywhere I go, I hear what I've come to call "target" jokes ... you know, jokes that have some group of people as targets. For instance, in Texas one of our target groups is students and graduates of Texas A&M, Aggies. Well, one of the ironic things I've noticed is that a lot of those jokes are told by members of the very target group being put down. I'm not sure why that is, but not being one to flaunt tradition, I figured I'd tell one of the few crossdresser jokes I know: How many crossdressers does it take to screw in a light bulb? At least two. One to screw in the bulb, and all the rest to take pictures.

So, did you hear about the - fill in the name of your own favorite target group here - guy who went into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer? After the bartender served him, he happened to look up and see a woman sitting at the other end of the bar. So, he picked up his beer, moved over and sat down next to her and asked "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied, "Sure, but I think you should know right up front that I'm a lesbian." To which the - fill in your group - guy replied, "Hey, that's no problem! Beirut's always been one of my favorite cities."

I mentioned Aggies a moment ago, and Texas A&M is really a very good school. At least it has a relatively normal name, but have you ever noticed how many universities and colleges have really bizarre names? The University of Texas is very ordinary and understandable, but right in Texas we also have colleges named for things like cereal grains and farm equipment. That's right. Have you ever heard of Rice and Baylor? Think about it - is Temple a Jewish school? Hell, right over in Pennsylvania they even have a university named for a disgusting body part. You know - Pitt?

Well, I've had fun, and I hope you have, too. In closing, though, I'd like to leave you with a couple of quick thoughts: First, never try to ski through a revolving door. Second, as a career, there really isn't any future in time travel. And finally, stolen from Robert Fulgham, some good advice for us all: Hold hands to stay together and keep from wandering off. Thank you!

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