Smile when I say that...again

The following is the stand-up monologue I did for the Talent Show at the 1996 Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta.

Howdy! My name is Jami Ward and I AM from Texas, even though I might not look it. I mean, I don't have two first names or wear a PETER-Bilt hat. But the definitive thing that I don't have is big Texas hair. I make up for that fact by having big Texas feet, though. But that's OK because you know when you have big feet, you also have big ... shoes to put on them. I swear that my feet have gotten bigger with time, too. Maybe gravity's just pulling us all down into our feet and if we lived to be 500, we'd all be wearing clown shoes.

I was born in southeast Texas and grew up there and in southwest Louisiana, which is the heart of Cajun country. Because both Tex-Mex and Cajun cooking are more than just a little spicy, I was raised on hot food. You can tell when your food is TOO hot, though, when you start to self-cauterize your hemorrhoids. Growing up in both Texas and Louisiana, on top of being transgendered, led to some real confusion for me. When I was a kid and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I initially answered "Pretty" until I figured out that they were asking me about a potential career. Well, then the wild-west Texas side pulled me towards being a cowboy, because they got to wear high heels all the time, while the strong Louisiana Catholic side pulled me towards being a priest, because they got to wear those long dresses all the time. However, once I got old enough to really understand what "celibate" meant, I knew right then that I was going to make a hell of a great cowboy. I actually started my working life in the Navy, in the submarine service. And if you think about it, being a submarine sailor isn't all that different from being a cowboy. Stuck out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of foul-mouthed, horny men - I personally loved it!

A quick joke from my career in the Navy: The doorbell rings at a whorehouse and the madam opens it to see a midget with no arms and legs only 6 inches long. She says to the little man, "You've GOT to be kidding!" To which the midget just smiles and replies, "Hey. I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

I don't know if y'all are familiar with Jeff Foxworthy, but he's real big in this neck of the woods. Since he's a native redneck, he has tried to offer warning signs of potential redneckness to the public at large. You know, like "If your house is on wheels and your car is on blocks, you might be a redneck." Well, following Jeff's lead, I have some warning signs of my own for all you guys out there. Here we go: If find yourself checking your face in the mirror for traces of Dermablend, you might be a crossdresser. If you know what Dermablend is, you might be a crossdresser. If you're a guy and you know what a peplum is, you might be a crossdresser. If you can operate the self-timer on more than 3 different camera models, you might be a crossdresser. If you know that Dick Docter is not a urologist, you might be a crossdresser. If you know that Virginia Prince is not a pipe tobacco, you might be a crossdresser. If pluck is also a swear word in your vocabulary, you just might be a crossdresser. And, if you wear a gimme hat to hide a wig line, you might be a redneck crossdresser.

Just so you know, I don't do political commentary because politics is ridiculous enough all by itself, but it struck me that Jack Kemp and OJ Simpson both played for Buffalo. Make of that whatever you will. (And while you're doing that, remember that you should never attempt to pass on the right.) In the same vein as political commentary, I don't normally tell jokes that target a group of folks that I'm not a member of, but I have to make an exception tonight and tell y'all just one lawyer joke, just for my friend Michelle. Do you know what you call sky-diving lawyers? Skeet.

In closing, I'd like to leave you with a couple of thoughts: Two wrongs might not make a right, but three lefts do; Any beauracracy is very much like a septic tank in that the big chunks always rise to the top. And, if you're here and you're enjoying yourself, you just might be transgendered. Thank you!

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