Smile when I say that...once more

The following is the stand-up monologue I did for the Talent Show at the 1997 Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta.

Howdy! I hope ya'll are having a good time. I am. Did you notice that I just used the word "y’all" there? That's not for protective camouflage here in the South, but because it’s natural for me because I'm from Texas, and we use that word too. I know I don't necessarily look like I'm from Texas. I mean, I’m not wearing a gun. Well, not that you can see. I don’t have big Texas hair. Not that you can see.

I grew up in Texas, and my first long-term job after I left was in the United States Navy’s submarine service. I went into the military because my parents told me that it would make a man out of me. Your tax dollars at work.

Last year, in an attempt to educate folks, I stole a premise from Jeff Foxworthy. I'm sure you know who Jeff Foxworthy is, since he's a big TV star, but he has taken it upon himself, as a redneck, to educate the public at large for signs of incipient redneckness. Things like "If your mother doesn’t take the chew out of her cheek to swear at the state trooper, you might be a redneck." Since any good idea is worth stealing, I have some warning signs of my own: If you live by yourself and people who call your house are surprised when a man answers, you might be transgendered. If you know that Tri-Ess is not something you yell out while watching "Wheel of Fortune", you might be a crossdresser. If you are a skater, cyclist, swimmer or runner that hates to exercise, hates to sweat, but you shave your legs just in case you decide to start, you might be a crossdresser. And, finally if you know that IFGE is not shorthand for a perverted relationship with small appliances, you might be transgendered.

I’m sure that most of the people in this room have at least a passing understanding of the word "transvestite". But I thought that there were some other words you might need to know to further your education. Some of you may even know that if you only wear cowgirl outfits, you’re probably a transWESTite. If you who REALLY like to wear lederhosen (you know, those leather German shorts), you might be a HANSvestite. If you are overly fond of railroads and like to dress up like a choo-choo, then you’re a TRAINSvestite, and if you buy all your clothes 2 sizes too small then they're surely going to say you're DressedTooTight.

Do you ever wonder about how things got invented? Take beer for instance. What is beer? Mashed up grain, mixed with water and herbs and sugar and allowed to go bad. And then somebody drinks it! How did this happen in the first place? It's like a chicken and the egg situation: How do you get drunk enough to drink that crap without having beer in the first place?

An inventor went to the bank to borrow some money, and he talked to a loan officer about developing a product. The loan officer of course wanted to know what his invention was. And he said, "I’ve come up with a 100% certain solution that will make any woman’s vagina taste like an orange." The loan officer replied, "As unique as that may seem to you, there are plenty of similar products like that on the market. We can't loan you money for that, but I will give you some advice: find a niche that isn't occupied by something and invent a product to fill it." So the inventor thanked the loan officer for his honesty and advice and left. Several months went by and the loan officer noticed that the inventor had started depositing very substantial sums of money in his account, so on his next trip to the bank, the banker stopped him on his way out. "I see that you’ve been doing pretty well lately. Please tell me that it isn’t from that product we turned you down for." The inventor said, "No, you were right. I really thank you for your advice, because I took it and applied basically the same research and developed a product that's selling like gangbusters." The banker said, "Now, of course, I have to know what that is. What?", "Well, it’s easier to show you than it is to tell you. Here, take a bite of this orange."

Just so you know, I don’t normally tell jokes targeted at a group that I’m not a member of, but for my friend Michelle I will make an exception tonight and tell y’all one lawyer joke. What do you call it when you find a hundred lawyers buried up to their necks in the dirt? A shortage of dirt.

However because I am from Texas, I can tell you a Texas joke. Two cowboys, Slim and Tex, have been working out on the range all week, get into town on the weekend and go to a dance. They walk into the dance, look across the room and there's a single young woman all by herself. Slim wanders across the room and says, "M'am, would you like to dance?" She replies, "Well, OK, but I think you need to know right up front that I’m a lesbian." Slim says, "M'am, I really don’t care. I've been working all week, and I just want to dance." So she accepts, they step out on the dance floor and commence to 2-step around, and it's obvious that they're pretty good together. When the song is over, they step to the side and Slim says, "Why don't we step outside for a beer, take a breath of fresh air and see what develops." The woman says, "Listen! I told you - I'm a lesbian. Do you understand what that means? It means I like women - I don't like men. I like to touch women, fantasize about women, make love to women. I’m sorry, but we're not going to work out." Slim says, "OK. I'm sorry," and walks back across to where Tex is standing. Tex says, "So, what's going on? Y'all looked like you were doing pretty good there." And Slim says, "Well it just wasn't going to work out. I just found out something about myself tonight." Tex says, "What’s that?" "That I’m a lesbian."

Before I go, I'd like to leave you with a couple of things to think about. If a guy with Multiple Personality Disorder threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation? Despite the high cost of living, but have you noticed how popular it still is? And, if you’re here and you’re enjoying yourself, you just might be transgendered.
Thanks, Mom.

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