Friday, January 7th, 2000

• I started with a therapist today. He specializes in gender issues. I was refered to him by my roomies girlfriend who is either almost a therapist, or who is a therapist already. I am not sure which. I am learning my new therapist is quite famous in the TG world. This has given me confidence in him. I am gonna get to the bottom of all of me.

Wednesday, April 17th, 2000

• I went to my therapist again today as I have been going every two weeks since my last entry. I kinda pressed the issue of HRT. He asked me to rate it's importance... I rated it very high. Outcome: He will most likely have my letter and a referal to an MD at our next session in two weeks. I am very happy. I can hardly sit still or sleep. My feelings alternate between total excitment and a real calm.

Wednesday, May 31st, 2000

• I went to my therapist today. I again asked about HRT. He said that he had an MD that would fer sure do it for me, but he or she was quite far away and my therapist said he would see if he could find one closer to my area. He said that he would call me in about a week and then arrange to get my letter to me before my appointment with the MD. I am getting closer.

Wednesday, May 31st, 2000
9:00 PM - same night.

• My therapist called this same day and told me that he had 2 prospects! He gave me the name of the 2 MD's... I said that I would call the first one in the morning and then get back to him about my letter. And that is what I will do. I am very nervous as I guess the MD could turn me down. I have been turned down for so many things in my life, I am just real nervous.

Thursday, June 1st, 2000
8:30 AM.

• I had to get some more sleep after taking me child to school and before going to work in the afternoon, but I knew I could never sleep unless I called the doctor first to make the appointment. So, I called. I told the receptionist that I was transexual and in psychotherapy with Dr. You-Know-Who and that I wished to make an appointment to arrange for HRT. She was very nice and scheduled me for 10:00 AM next Thursday June the 8th. I will call my therapist tomorrow morning to let him know so he can get the letter to me one way or another. I have to find a way to calm down. I know that this is a long long process taking sometimes years, so I will think of that. What is one week and a little time after that before getting my script. Who knows, maybe it will go faster then I think.

Friday, June 2nd, 2000
1:15 PM

• Okay kewl. I just called my therapist to let him know that I did follow through on making the appointment with the doctor. Kewl. He is going to get my letter to me in the mail today or tomorrow. Gawd. I guess I probly won't have anything to add here for the next week unless something falls through or something, I don't see what could happen. Keep your fingers crossed for me that the doctor thinks I am a good candidate and just goes ahead and does the tests and stuff next Thursday? Seems so many girls say they are on HRT within days after their first therapist appoinment...

Monday, June 5th, 2000

• I got my letter in the mail today. It was kinda nice to finally read something that goes along with the way I have felt about myself for so long. At any rate, one of the things my therapist wrote is that I meet the three criteria for hormone therapy set forth in the Standards of Care of the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association. I guess he oughta know since he is a member. I am very nervous. I just got a feeling I am gonna be turned down. I will do HRT eventually, I am not worried about that, but how darn long is it gonna take and how much money am I gonna have spend? I only have so much. I just got a bad feeling is all...

Thursday, June 8th, 2000

• My bad feelings were unfounded I am sooooo happy to say. I went to the doctor as scheduled. It was soooo nice there. The receptionsists were like the kewlest girls. Everything was so nice. AND, I am approved!!!!!! The doctor ran several tests of which he will know the results next week. So, I have another appointment for next Friday at 9:45 AM. I was never so happy to drop my pants for a man in my life! And of course there "it" was(ick), ugly as ever, but hopefully at least now, I have a chance of shrinking it all to nothing(I wish), or maybe in the long run, losing it completely. (I would rather have a spot of nothing but flesh there then Mister Ugly.)

  I asked him when I would be able to start the actual HRT and he said, NEXT WEEK! I am so thrilled. I just can't believe it. All these years of seeing it happen for other girls and never thinking for a sec, never EVEN giving it any thought for mySELF, and now it is gonna happen. SO kewl. Also, he asked how I was sleeping. I said, "What is sleep?" Soooooo, I guess it is important for the brain to be producing a certain chemical that I am NOT producing if I get no sleep, sooooooo, he gave me a script for some sleeping pills... Gawd. I am not real excited about taking those, but if they help... twood be great.

  I wasn't gonna include all my personal thoughts here so much like this, but I am just so happy. Now, I am very tired as I only got 2 hours sleep last night and I gotta be to work soon... Hopefully, I will get to take half a nights work off... Thank you to all of you who kept me in your hearts this week. Thank you.

  I will let ya know how the sleeping pills work tomorrow.(Trazadone)

Friday, June 9th, 2000

• Well, I finally got to bed last night around 11:30 PM. I was supposed to take one half to 2 tablets of that Trazadone stuff to help me sleep. I took one half. Within about 20 minutes I was feeling kinda dizzy. So I went to bed. I really don't like taking this stuff. I got up at 6:15 AM so I got almost 7 hours sleep. I will continue to take the pills, but only cause it has to do with that brain chemical thing that I need(Ceritonin?). I don't think it is gonna help me with sleeping that much.

Friday, June 16th, 2000

• I, AM ON HORMONES AT LAST!!! Oh gawd. *joy* Well, now I take them and wait. I am on 2.5 mg of Premarin. The doctor said that I may or may not experience breast tenderness in the next 2 weeks or so. I hope I do. Also, I had been taking the Trazadone to help me sleep, 1/2 tab a night, but they left me feeling so weird the next day, that I stopped taking them. However the doctor is quite adamant about me taking them, so he said to take 1/4 tab a night. I will. I am very tired again.. From Sunday night to Wednesday night I only had about 9 hours sleep. Wednesday night I got 8 hours, but last night I only got 3 again... I will try to get more tonight. I am so happy! I went out and bought a new pair of shorts to celebrate... Well, it is the summer ya know! I will keep ya posted!

Thursday, June 22nd, 2000

• Well, it has been seven days on Premarin and so far, I have felt no changes. No big surprise. I am educating myself a little more each day and I have discovered that it is really important for me to be taking an anti-androgen also. I am hoping that when I go in to see my endo in 3 weeks that it is his plan to introduce some. I am thinking that he is just for a month testing the effects of estrogen on my body. Either way, I will be asking(begging) to get the additional script. The real reason that I am making an entry today is because I just made an appointment to get my electro started. I have an appointment for 11:30 AM tomorrow morning(Friday). This is a very big step for me. After all these years of trying to put on the macho look to protect myself(and facial hair is a BIG part of the facade) I will be getting rid of it. Andro city here I come! I have thought long and hard about this. I have come to the conclusion that I am much muCH MUCH happier as a girl then I ever was a guy with a mustache! So hands down, I am happy. Real happy... I am truly on my way. Oh! And I have been taking 1/2 a tab of the Trazadone a night and have been getting MUCH better sleep lately, in part due to the fact that I no longer have to get up to take junior to school every morning. I feel much better... Now if I could just convince work to cut out the early morning meetings... *sigh*

Friday, June 23rd, 2000

• Okay, Trishie is the first to admit when she is wrong.. or at least I try. Electro was nothing like I thought it would be. It hurt! I had a consultation this morning along with 30 minutes of electro(blend) just so I would know what to expect when I go back in. I did this with no Emla or Ibuprofin so I imagine the next time, with Emla, will be a little less painful. I called my endo today to see if he would call some Emla in for me, but the office was closed. I will call Monday. This is really kewl though. The electrologist is really a kewl woman. She is totally TG/TS hip. (Thank you Julie, and thank you my angel.) I have 2 hours scheduled for every Friday. I am not going to say how much all this stuff costs, but if you are a new girl and want to know, write me, I will be glad to tell ya. That brings up another point. I am starting to hurt a little bit money wise now. What with therapy, my endo, my prescriptions and now electro, I am getting real low on funds. It kinda scares me, but I will make cuts in other areas. I still need to quit smoking, I can cut back on Diet Cokes(r) and some food. I won't be doing any clothes shopping for a while and I guess any trips out of town are out of the question.... This is a major bummer but it is not forever. And besides, the thought of being able to sleep nude and accept my body, the thought of not having to rely on so many things like makeup and such just makes it all worth it. I just have to really stay on top of non TS related bills. It is just soooooooooo kewl to be accepted as a girl by so many and to be able to go into places like my endo's office and now the electro office and be surrounded by prettiness... The rest of my life.. Oh yes.

Wednesday, June 28th, 2000...
Day 13 on HRT..

• My endo called in a prescription for Emla and I picked it up today. Jeez, it was so expensive without insurance! I hope this tube lasts a while. I can see where I am going to really be hurting in my pocketbook, but this won't stop me. We will see how well it works on Friday.

• In hormone news: I was really hoping to feel some tenderness or something in my breasts by now.. So far, nuthin, not in mind or body that I can tell. I cry easily already, so nuthin new there. I will be patient. I can't wait for my next endo appoinment to get anti-androgens. Whether or not my endo has plans to prescribe them(although he must), I will get them. Please angel, let me feel something soon...

Friday, June 30th, 2000

• I went to my first official electrology appointment today, that is, I actually had some real work done! I have started a page with my progress and you can see it by clicking on the link at the bottom of this page. Still no changes in the HRT department. *frown* Oh well... Things are going along swimmingly... Thanks angel....

Friday, July 14th, 2000
Day 29

• Been a busy busy day! First I had an endo appointment at 10:00 AM this morning and then an electro appointment at 2:30 PM. Drove about 120 miles today. Anyway, the GOOD news is that my endo upped my Premarin dose to 5 mg's a day! The REALLY good news is that he also put me on 100 mg's of Spironlactone a day! Yay!!!!! I have not felt anything from the Premarin yet, but I will stay patient, still very early in the game. I sure hope to at least feel some breast tenderness soon, just a sign...
  Electro went pretty good. Some spots, yikes! Other spots, not bad at all! I love it there.

Friday, July 21st, 2000
Day 36

• Well, I thought it was maybe my imagination, but last night, I finally began to feel some tenderness. Actually, my nipples feel like they are like sunburned or something. I am pretty sure it is not my imagination now, as when I got up today, they are pretty sore to the touch. It felt good to get my bra on after work, kinda like it feels good to get a cast on after you have broken a bone. I will write more in a day or two, we will see....

Monday, July 31st, 2000
Day 46

• My nipples are like totally sore. The soreness went away for about three days, but when I woke up this morning, I accidently brushed one of them with my hand and wo! Sore again! Now, I am pretty sure I am seeing some changes also.. The only way I can relate it is like this kinda: Before, my nipples were kinda like little flat pepperoni's(Oh that sounds so silly), but now, they are taking on the shape of like Hersheys(c) Chocolate Kisses, especially when stimulated which is super easy now with just a few touches by my finger. It's amazing. Oh this is wonderful.

Friday, August 4th, 2000
Day 50

• My nipples are not as sore today as they have been all week, least not tonight anyway, but my testicles(ick) have been very tender off and on all day today... Some of yesterday also... If that means anything....

Friday, August 11th, 2000

• I went to see my endo today and he examined my breasts. I am coming right along. I am really seeing changes in my nipples. They seem to be getting a little larger. Also, there is for sure that little build up behind them. It feels like a little ball shaped cyst in there... about the size of a large marble. It is really neat. Yes, it is true... if somebody were to hit me there, or bump me hard, it almost is the equivalent of being kicked in the testicles. Not that bad yet, but for sure it would hurt similar to that. So far, all is really good. Emotionally, I don't think I have had too many changes if any. I mean, I do feel like crying off and on over little things, but heck, I have been like that a long time anyway. So, I don't know if that is the hormones or not... But, like I said, it is all good, all wonderful. As I start my third month on HRT, I am not sure of any other changes, but as I see myself everyday, maybe they are just to subtle to see. I have several genetic girlfriends, and I really want to compare notes with them. I want to know if what I am going through is what they experienced when they went through puberty. This can be kinda a touchy thing though. I mean, the subject has to be approached in the right way me thinks as it is such a personal thing.

Saturday, September 9th, 2000

• Well, not a whole lot has changed since my last entry, but it has been almost a month so I think I should write something at least. It appears like the cystee things behind my nipples are steadily getting larger. My breasts have been pretty sore every day. It sometimes almost seems like my nipples sting after being touched. Every couple of days the soreness goes away for a few hours, but it comes right back. It is a good sore. I know for sure that my nipples are changing. They are getting that little pebble thing goin on and I think they are getting a little darker. They have changed shape quite a bit, not flat anymore. Anyway, like I said, I seem em everyday so there could be a lot more change then I realize, but it is happening. It will be 3 months on the 16th, still real early. I like this so much. I feel really good most of the time. I always feel good about what I am doing, but sometimes I get blue. I don't know if this is the hormones or not. I had an aversion to violence before of course, but lately, I find I cannot even watch it on TV, be it a movie, the news or gawd forbid one of those Lifetime(r) Channel shows on children with any kind of hurt. I start crying a little. Oh I still love a good scary movie, but I like the ones that are kinda campy. I don't know... That's all for now I guess.

Friday, October 6th, 2000

• I went for my endo appointment today. Not much to report. Same as my last entry really, only a little more so... My blood pressure is fine and my weight is holding steady at 140 pounds. My aversion to violence is really heightened, so much so that it almost scares me how much violence of any kind disturbs me. I am not just talking war and stuff, I am talking irate people in fast food lines. This is not very convienent. Still, it is all good. My breasts/nipples are still sore every day and the growth behind them continues to get a little larger. If there are any other changes, I can't tell. I am still on 5 mgs Premarin and 100 mgs Spironlactone. My endo will take blood in early December and maybe then I will request higher doses or whatever. I am pretty happy so far, but I kinda wish things would change a little more obviously... You know how it is.... Oh well..

• Hmmmm... Let's see... Okay, some of this gets quite personal, but it is afterall, my transition diary so I gotta write it... Erections: Gone gone gone... Nice nice nice. No more Mr. Ugly saluting me in the morning. Actually that is kinda old news as he has been not saluting for at least a month. He can still "be coaxed", but that is not my thing(No pun intended?). My libido is almost gone. I am happy about that. I also think that the hair on my arms is getting lighter in color and not as thick, but as I shave them daily and am afraid to let it even start growing out at all, I am just not real sure about this. I will get brave and let it grow out a little sometime soon, just to verify this. My breasts continue to be sore. My nipples still kinda sting when touched. I have stopped using my breast enhancers(perhaps prematurely) and this is good. Okay this is a little personal also but let me illustrate. In this picture what you see in the breast department is me, no enhancers(like you couldn't tell). That is Cher on my right, your left. Madonna is a little bigger but you can't really see her. So, that is how the breast thing is going. My weight is about the same. Aversion to violence is holding. Loud noises such as trucks, motorcycles and jets scare me, even when I know exactly what they are. Crying is still in the picture and I never know when it is coming it seems. All things considered, I feel very good. I also feel like I am forgetting something here. I will think on it and get back to me.

Friday, December 8th, 2000

• (On the 16th of this month, I will have started hormones 6 months ago.) I went to my endo today. All is well with my health. My blood pressure is fine and my weight is still holding at 138-143 pounds. I don't know if the lower weight is a really good thing or not as I am not sure if I should put on a little just so I have something to disTRIBute! But, I am growing. My endo made note of it also: Madonna is bigger then Cher. I do know that I am growing even if it is kinda hard for me myself to tell. There are one or two shirts that I cannot wear anymore unless I want to be noticed, and fer sure if I wear even a simple thin bra under them. Wearing a bra kinda holds up what I have and says, "Hello world! Check us out!" My nipples are "there" a lot of the time. Temperature gauge don't ya know! Pretty neat but I am getting pretty pronounced and it is kinda obvious. I do not like to wear forms anymore. I did for a short time about a week ago and it just did not feel right at all. Good-bye forms... I will and will not miss you. I am also noticing that I am only needing to shave my legs about once every 5 days now. The hair is definitely there at the end of it all, but it doesn't seem to be near as dark. Really nice.... It is the same with the hair on my arms. Wonderful... Seems before, I was in the shower twice a day, especially if out at a convention or staying at a friends. Okay, I have to say this since it is my diary. Masturbation rate: About once every six to eight weeks(MAX). It has been this way for a long long long long time. I bring this up because for some reason, about a week ago my libido seemed to skyrocket for about 4 days. I have no idea why. Maybe I just wanted to feel somebody close to me. *shrug* Anyway, took no time at all. Mr. Ugly barely stood up and ejaculate was clear and very minimal. For those of you wondering, the orgasm was good. It's a legitimate question. Okay, that's outta the way.............. I am still on 5 mg's of Premarin and 100 mgs of spironlactone a day. I was supposed to have refilled my Trazadone script a long time ago(to help me sleep), but as I have been sleeping okay(when I can), I haven't filled it. It's a money thing. My endo once again was adamant about my refilling it and using it. So, when I get a little extra money, I will. My next endo appointment is in March, a 3 month reprieve as the receptionist put it. Not much change in my emotions. I will say that last weekend, I cried at a Britney Spears comedy sketch on Saturday Night Live. I have no idea why. It was supposed to be funny, but something inside me just found it very touching and the tears came. It was the one where Britney befriends a homeless person in his "sewer home". I dunno, maybe you woulda cried too. I am feeling very close to my mom. I know these entries are not very scientific and all, but it's all I know how to do. I guess that's it other then to say, I am very very happy.