b a c k g r o u n d c o l o r

Sunday, March 21st, 2004

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

  • And now, as...

    ...if I don't have enough on my plate, I get a jury duty summons. Do you know how many years I had a drivers license and was registered to vote under my male name before I was called to jury duty? It was years. I have my new license and now I am called within the first five months and within the first two months of being registered to vote.

    Oh, I will go. I have gone more then a few times in the past. And I am called up to courtrooms at least two to three times to serve before one lawyer or another asks to have me excused for one reason or another. Oh, I will go and I will sit on my raw crotch.

    This is just bad timing. Really piss piss piss piss piss poor timing.

    I have four valium left. It is taking every ounce of willpower I have to not take them all right now, even if for a lousy one hours relaxation. I gotta find myself a source for valium. This being straight all the time is fucking me up. Seven and a half years is too fucking long for any one person to have to think straight on a regular basis.

    "You don't think straight on a regular basis, Trish. There are times...."
    You know what I mean.

    My trip to Arizona has been confirmed. Hotel reservations have once again been made. I will be back just in time to get to court.

    I just hope the procedure in Arizona does not hurt too badly. I cannot deal with it anymore.

    I want to get out of here, this house. I want to go someplace. But the hot water has been out for two days and I wreak. The plumber was here today and will be back tomorrow and I wreak.

    I want somebody to tell me how God damn fucking special I am, in my ear, with warm breath, and a touch to my whatever. God damn it.

     


    Her Royal Fucking Highness
    Trish

Thursday, March 25th, 2004

  • Welp, nobody...

    ...whispered nuthin in my ear.

    Oh well.

    Another physical problem has popped up. Quite a bit of swelling and irritation at the suture line on one of my labia. I have no idea where it came from or how to deal with it. I will just wait until I get to Arizona to find out. Oh well again.

    I wish I could say that I feel so much better today then my last entry, but I can't. I wish I could say that my head is in a better place, but I cannot.

    So I will just say that I will deal with it the best that I can and that things have to get better.

    The hot water was restored to the house yesterday so I took a shower and got un-skankified, went down to town and brought back Mexican food for my Mom and I. I also stopped at a small Mexican deli for some of their home made taco chips and hot sauce. Not salsa, HOT sauce, the real deal. So Mom and I had Mexican food and Law and Order on television.

    I had told my Mom that I came "this close" to buying a pack of cigarettes and smoking them. The only thing that stopped me was the exorbitant price of a pack. Yes ex-smokers and ne-er do wells, your price gouging has worked. Now that I am enjoying better health and saving tons of money, I would like to say thank you, but actually two other words come to mind.... hmm... and they are.... um...comin to me comin to me... Oh yeah; bite my ass.

    I can see you smirking from your holier then thou house with white picket fence, home gymnasium, 2.3 children, dog, cat and goldfish heaven. Good for you then.

    I had a dream last night where I smoked an entire cigarette and went to a bar, met some guy, sat and talked and had gin and tonics. Although in the dream, I felt bad about smoking, it was good. I felt nothing about drinking other then it was good. Good dream all the way around.

    Arizona and a little piece of mind one way or the other is not far off. I have to focus on that . I have been difficult to live with lately. I feel pretty emotionally spent. I am trying to be better.

    Anyway, I have my endo appointment tomorrow and electrolysis too. It might be a long drive sitting on one labia, but I need the lectro. Can't miss a day ya know.

    I cannot write anymore today. I keep vacillating between trying to be upbeat and pissedoffidbeingdisappointedness.

    One day you will see me dancing (at least in my head).

     

    Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
    and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...
    Dance.... I hope you dance.
    Lee Ann Womack

Saturday, March 27th, 2004

  • Endocrinologist and...

    ...electrolysis yesterday.

    According to my endo, I am still alive.

    Among other conversation, I told him that I was really having anxieties about my surgery outcome so far. I asked if there were anything he could prescribe for me. I stressed to him that I did not wish to take anything with side effects like weight gain, personality loss, long term costs, etc etc. I just need to get through a few rough spots in the next few weeks. He said not to worry as he had something right up my alley.

    "Well alright then" I thought to myself. Bingo.

    So today I got up, showered and anxiously went down to fill the "right up my alley" scripts that he had written for me. After paying for them I went out to the car and read all the information that was printed out and supplied with them.

    Part of the information read:
    "Among the side effects are drowsiness, fatigue, vivid dreams (read; fucking hallucinating) and WEIGHT GAIN.

    "Symptoms will begin to improve 7 to 10 days of starting this medication. However, it may take 3 to 4 weeks for the full benefit of the medication to be apparent."

    Seven to ten DAYS?? Three to four WEEKS?? Whoa Keemosabee. In three to four weeks I am hoping some of this stress and anxiety will be over with. This is long term shit he prescribed, not short term crisis management. I will not do long term anti-depressants ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever again. I cannot stand anti-depressants.

    They work real good but you don't give much of a shit about anything.

    "Ya mean like: Hey Trish, why don't we withdraw your life savings and take a walking tour of Antarctica."
    Don't be an idiot, I am on anti-depressants, not LSD. We will withdraw only half of my life savings to fund a search for every house in North America that is shaped like a dog. That makes more sense and will ROCK.

    You get real easy going like. So easy going in fact that people get pissed at you. They get jealous that you just don't sweat stuff. They try to start arguments with you and you are all like, "Sure, Bud. Whatever." "SURE BUD WHATEVER????" they cry. "You just don't care about ANYTHING do you?" "Sure I do" I would say, "I am just not going to kill myself over it." They freak out and huff and puff.

    At least, that has been my experience, but anyway....

    These stupid pills are the same type shit I was on for a few years right out of detox/rehab. They are the same type shit that helped Trish to weigh two hundred and thirty five pounds. They are the same type shit that made Trish not care who Trish was. I would rather end up eating the business end of a Smith & Wesson.

     

    I flushed every fucking good for nothing
    take four damn times a day pill down the toilet and
    destroyed the refill labels.


    Trish

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

  • In the next day or two I am...

    ...going to try and update. I did go to Arizona for a follow up with Dr. Meltzer and his staff. The good news is, all is very well. My vaginoplasty is progressing just fine if not exceptionally fine. The bad news is, wait.... there is no bad news. Isn't that cool?

    "Yes Trish, that is cool."
    Thanks. I was once again stressing about nothing major, thank goodness. And now Dr. Meltzer, Janet and Cheryl (who totally rock) know Trish is a worrier even more then they knew it before.

    But for today I do want to write that I finally have it. On Wednesday my new drivers license with a bright shiny new F for...

    "We know, Trish... 'F' for female."

    ...came in the mail. YES. I am not happy with the picture at all and it looks even worse reproduced here. I was not expecting them to shove me in the limelight and consequently I look like an unkempt ugly deer in headlights. But what can I do. It expires in not too long anyway and I imagine they will take another one at that time. So there ya have it. I mean there, I have it. Finally. Now to work on changing my birth certificate from...

    "Don't say it, Trish... Let me... from 'M' for male... to 'F' for female."
    Damn if yer not a quick study.

     

    I will update on Arizona tomorrow, or the next day,
    I hope, if all goes right.
    Trish

Saturday, April 3rd, 2004

  • So... Arizona, let's...

    ...see now. My appointment with Dr. Meltzer was set for 8:30 am this last Wednesday March 31st . My Mom and I left for Arizona Tuesday morning around 9:55 am and ended up checking into the motel in Scottsdale at about 4 pm. None of this is that important other then to say that at least this time, as nervous as I was that the next morning I might be having a procedure performed that would involve long needles and industrial strength vacuum cleaners, I was not so out of it that I do not remember the drive or anything. The last time we made this drive it was all about the reassignment surgery. I was in outer space and the whole thing is a blur.

    So anyway we checked into the motel, I immersed myself in Diet Coke® and settled in for a night of fine television viewing. Our TV at home (in the mountains) can be just pretty much just snow at times and the one in the motel even has HBO so we were on a roll. We had eaten at an International House Of Pancakes (WOO HOO! Just kidding. I like IHOP) restaurant earlier in the day so there was no need to go anyplace.

    I spent the night being alternately slightly nervous, slightly more nervous, and forgetting about everything completely because of snowless 19 inch entertainment. Mom fell asleep around 11 pm (I think) and about 11:30 I caught the beginning of a movie, everything but the title of it anyway and I did not have a guide so I just kept watching and ended up watching the whole thing. It was pretty good in a romantic and pink way. I found out the next day that it is called "What A Girl Wants". It isn't really what this girl wants so it is a slightly assuming title, but what the heck. How are they to know that I want eighty million dollars, Johnny the Depp Man and a healthy healed vagina (not necessarily in that order and that's just for starters).

    During the movie's ending credits I forced myself to turn off the TV and attempt to sleep. I must have gotten up to use the bathroom about five times during the night. My nervousness even woke me up about three or four times. I know, overkill, but I have had enough of this kind of crap and I am reaching overload.

    Disclaimer time again: I am very lucky to be even having these concerns/worries/stresses because if I had not had these concerns/worries/stresses it means that I would not have had surgery. And I am so thankful to have had surgery and I am so thankful to have had my teeth fixed and I am so thankful that I have a wonderful person to stick needles in my face every week in an attempt to permanently rid my face of this hair.

    I am just reaching some overload, and sometimes overload is involuntary. Okay? Okay.

    Anyway...

    "Hey Trish."
    Yeah?
    "Your 'anyway's' are becoming world renowned."
    Really? They aren't annoying?

    Hey? They aren't annoying?

    They aren't annoying?

    You there?

    Anyway...

    I am going to cut to the chase. Dr. Meltzer and his nurses Janet and Cheryl all examined me and they said my crotch rocks. Everything is great. As a matter of fact, everything is almost beyond great. They said that my results are very good. I am healing perhaps a little slower then some others, but I am healing. Was I ever relieved. Not only did the regular relief type of stuff happen, like birds chirping and the sky becoming blue again, but this time I think I actually heard David Bowie singing something really angelic.

    I told Dr. Meltzer and his staff that their combined reassurances were good for about, oh, approximately twenty four hours and that is when I would start to imagine things are going wrong again. I was only half joking. I need a nurse to travel with me, checking my crotch on the hour and chanting, "Looks great looks great looks great." I kid you not. I am spooky. I ended up quoting in my little black book many of the things they said to me about how well I was doing. Reading those in times of unease is helping me to feel confident that all is indeed well, just as they had said. I know, weird Trish. Old news again.

    My Mom brought a big bag of avocados from her farm into Dr. Meltzer's office for anybody that might want them. She loves to do that and I love her for doing it. But I always feel like we are the Ma and Pa Kettles goin to town. "Here ya go doc! We got y'all some guavos and dangit if we ain't got us some goldarn nugget sized boils fer ya ta look at!" Most everybody freaks when they see the avocados though. People love them.

    They also love my Mom's flowers she grows here. On Monday we took a huge bouquet over to the girls at my dentists office as a small thank you. They were beautiful.

    Thanks Mom.

    Anyway...

    "There is the anyway again."
    Oh now you are making me nervous. I have been saying anyway for a long time.
    "I know."
    Damn.

    Anyway... Oh damn. Okay, um... So my vagina is Rock And Roll City and we are out of there. It was still only 10 am in the morning so we talked and decided that rather then stay another night in Scottsdale as we had planned, or thought we might have to, we would save some money by checking out of the motel, not see any sites or window shop and pretty much just head home. We will go back to Arizona sometime soon for another check up when there is no stress whatsoever and see some of the sites then. I want to see some cowboy gunfights and hats and jewelry and clothes and red mountains and southwestern architecture and people. Next time.

    Oh yeah, I forgot to add that I had been given two prescriptions to fill. One for Premarin cream which is standard operating procedure and another cream to help with the healing process. More on the Premarin later, maybe.

    So check out of the hotel we did and started the drive home. From where we are it is maybe five to six hours. With all the driving I do now-a-days this is a piece of cake. Mom actually did the driving (I thank you, my labia thanks you), but she feels the same way.

    We took our time driving home and stopped at a place called Casino Morongo (about 23 miles west of Palm Springs) and gambled a little. I spent seven dollars and my Mom spent twenty, all slots. It doesn't take long, but it was fun. There is also a huge Morongo Factory Outlet there so we stopped and shopped just a small section of it. I say shopped but we actually just looked around. I really had no intention of buying anything, but the place was just ripe for lookin and droolin.

    Mom and I have a great time traveling. When I was younger she and I drove from California to Maine, Canada and all parts in-between together, more then once. We try to just take it easy and if we want to do or see something, what the hell, we just do or see it. To the devil with schedules if we can help it.

    We got home about 11 pm or so and that was that. Fast trip. We left early Tuesday morning, back late Wednesday night. I felt so much better about my progress and that was what the whole thing was about, and I had no more holes drilled into me. That was an extree speshul bonus. And oh yeah, as I had written yesterday, my new driver's license with the "F" for... well, you know was in the mailbox. Good day... Great day.

    The Premarin cream is a new experience for me. I heard cream and I thought, well, just apply it to external areas; wrong. It has a syringe/plunger device that is not uncommon, and it is also not external. So now at least for a month my nightly dilation session has grown from just dilate, to dilate, fill with Premarin and plunge ("deeply"), and use yet another cream on external healing areas (the other script I was given). All quite time consuming. Parts of me are getting the workout these days.

    And as I had written, the Premarin cream is standard issue for Dr. Meltzer's post-operative patients. He gives lots of refills just in case you like the effects of the cream and wish to continue using it, but let me tell ya, between the price of Premarin (very expensive), the daily plunging and the "what goes in must come out" rule, forget that action. Not unless it is mandatory, and it is not. And I would like to start wearing some nice underwear at some point in time, at least for a day or so.

    Okay, let me just say this real fast because I don't want to appear to be on a pink cloud (I am not) or anything like that, but I just feel I have to say this at some point.

    DrMeltzerandJanetandCherylIloveyouguysandthankyousomuch.

    Okay, that's done.

    So that is Scottsdale Arizona for now. My stress level is way down. I am not willing to kill for a cigarette or for valium or anything else today. Beg yes, kill no.

    This is day 190 without a cigarette. Six months and six days.

     

    'Cause we just wanna dance all night, live inside the spark of light,
    this might be the only time around.
    Emerson and Nicole Hart

Friday, April 16th, 2004

  • On this day, Friday April...

    ...16th 2004..... at 7:57 PM Pacific Standard Time..... I experienced..... my very first..... post-operative..... self induced... orgasm.

    And it was good. And it was real good. And it did not feel wrong.

     

    Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite,
    and the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
    Sky rockets in flight.
    Starland Vocal Band

Monday, April 19th, 2004

  • I hadn't intended...

    ...on finding out if I was orgasmic, if my surgery had been successful in that arena. One thing just kind of led to another and then wham, it happened. It was similar to the first time I ever masturbated, when the redwoods were mere sprouts. That time and this time I wasn't sure where I was going with it, but it felt good. I started, stopped, started again, stopped. It felt too good to be in stopped mode for long so I kept going, not sure at all what would happen, or if anything would happen at all.

    The first time I had ever masturbated it was with Mr. Ugly The Penis. I didn't know what orgasm was and it was a little unnerving reaching that point. This time, with vagina and clitoris, I am hip to orgasm, but again I had no idea what it would entail, what it would be like. And in the here and now as the moments went by I reached the point where I knew orgasm was inevitable. Man, this is a little difficult to communicate and I am not sure how personal I want to be. I don't think I will get too too personal.

    I will just say that my body lubricated and other then that there was nothing to release but the "man oh man effin A gosh darn good on ya" release itself. No erection. No ejaculation. How I love that. And it is a good thing that I was alone in this house as I found myself becoming quite vocal, and loving it.

    Now besides finding out for sure that my GRS was a success as far as sexual response goes, the other most wonderful, most most wonderful part of this is that it felt right. Finally. It did not feel wrong. I was truly with abandon and afterwards I was celebratory. Not just because I found out that surgery was a success in this area, but because I felt good about what I had just done. In all these years, that was a first. I felt good. For the first time in my life I think that I can feel good about sex and desire. And I am going to.

    And now that I have written about my first post-operative orgasm feelings in a calm and relaxed manner, let me express I how I really feel about it:

    !!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!
    Holy SHIT that was good!!!! OhgawdohgawdohgawdohgawdohGAWD!!!!

    "Are you okay now, Trish?"
    Yes, I am good.

    The sutures at my surgery site are really starting to surface and man do they sting/itch/irritate. Where are they popping out you might ask? Oh man, I hate to say it, two words: labia majora.

    "Why do you hate to say it, Trish."
    I guess it is kind of because I don't want anybody to think of me like that, but on the other hand, it is a part of surgery.
    "You go girl."
    Oh noooooooo, not the 'you go girl' thing. *cringe*
    "What?"
    Nothing. Just keep moving. There's nothing more you can say here.

    Anyway, I keep the suture ouchies appeased with aloe vera gel the best I can, but it is still like having fishing line sticking out of and back into you in a couple of (really sensitive) spots.

    I had written about the Premarin cream that I was using intravaginally as per the instructions that came with the cream prescribed to me. A couple of days ago I reread the "Post-Operative Care" instructions that I had received from Dr. Meltzer and they instructed that the cream be used topically. Out of curiosity (and discomfort) I communicated with the nurses in Arizona and they told me that either way, topically or intravaginally would be fine. So guess what I am going to do? That's right me broothas and sistahs.... topical.

    I just wrote a check for the most recent visit to my endocrinologist. That hurt. Money is getting tight. When my next appointment comes around in July, I am going to call and postpone for a month or two. I just cannot afford it and there is no reason to see my endo three times a year at this point.

    My son was here with me over Easter Break. He was here for seven days. It goes by really fast.

    We spent an entire day at Sea World and the place was packed. I had no makeup on whatsoever and had no problem using the women's restroom several times throughout the day. I am not rushing in and rushing out. I am taking the time to do whatever I need to do. I know that this all probably seems moot at this point, but I write it because I still feel so fortunate that it is working out this way (knock on wood). No makeup, no dress, no nuthin. To me it is a miracle.

    I have jury duty soon.

    This is day 206 without cigarettes. 6 months and 21 days. I still want one.

     

    And when my hand touches myself, I can finally rest my head.
    Tori Amos

     

    Trish's Current HRT Statistics (04/19/04):
    Hormone Regiment: 6 mgs estradiol once a day.
    Emotions: Okay.
    Breasts: Dormant.
    Hips, Thighs and Bottom: Nope.
    Body Hair: Stable.
    Skin: Nothing.
    Masturbation and Sexual Desire: Mostly discontinued for now... Since December 17th, 2001. (First orgasm post surgery was wonderful.)
    Trish Bottom Line: Things have potential.

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

  • Yesterday I received...

    ...a letter from the Department of Motor Vehicles. In it was the form that had been supplied by the DMV and completed by my SRS surgeon, Dr. Meltzer (stating that Trish identifies as female and had undergone SRS) and a cover sheet. The form supplied by the DMV with Dr. Meltzer's signature was the one that I had taken to the DMV to have the "M" (for male) changed to "F" (for female) on my drivers license. The cover sheet indicates that one of the fields in the form supplied by the DMV is "incomplete". It goes on to read:

    "In order to complete this application it must be received back in 60 days.
    Failure to comply will result in the immediate cancellation of the above application."

    Under that are 15 options with boxes to check off next to each. The very last one was manually whited out and the words "Office Stamp" were written in with a pen. There is a reason for the white out. Nowhere on the original form supplied by the DMV that I was to have my surgeon fill out are there instructions or a space for "Office Stamp". There is no "Office Stamp" required anyplace on the form that was supplied by the DMV. So it only stands to reason that there would be no little box to check off with the words "Office Stamp" next to it. Thus the white out.

    This form had been signed by the DMV too. It has their signature. When I had gone down there along with this (returned) form I had presented them one of the three letters that Dr. Meltzer had given me stating that I had officially undergone SRS. They gave that one back to me and now I have the other one back too.

    I guess I can sum this up by saying it is bullshit. No big deal, but bullshit. What are they going to do, yank my drivers license?

    Hmmmm... I am weighing my options and as cliché as it sounds I am thinkin, office stamp or going down there and pulling up my skirt, going down there and pulling up my skirt or office stamp. Is it really worth all the trouble of getting this letter back to Arizona, inconveniencing the staff to stamp it and get it back to me or should I just go down to the DMV and drop my drawers.

    You would think they have better things to do with their time. I mean, I already have my freaking drivers license with an "F" on it. What is the point.

    Sixty days my butt.

     

    ...to be continued.
    Trish

Friday, April 30th, 2004

  • Real fast...

    ...one.

    I went to jury duty on Monday. They had me and quite a few others leave halfway through the day and ordered us to return on Friday (today) to possibly be chosen for a case that would last a month or more. So I went back today and as it turns out, we all sat in a courtroom and filled out questionnaires pertinent to the case. After turning those in for review we were once again instructed to reappear in court in a few days for the actual jury selection process.

    The case is violent, upsetting... and I really do not want to serve on it. It is one of those cases that causes people to weep at photographs and want to turn away. It also incites anger. Much anger. That is all I will say about the case until the whole deal is over, if I have anything more to say about it at all.

    I have had to cancel my therapy for next week. I am going to squeeze an electrolysis appointment in on Monday morning.

    Other short (for now) news:
    I sent the Department of Motor Vehicles form that they said needed an "office stamp" (as explained in my last Transition Diary entry) back to Dr. Meltzer's office in Arizona to be... well, office stamped. I am waiting to get that back from them.

    Things are a little up in the air this week and for the beginning of next week.

     

    P.S. I had my second orgasm on the three month anniversary of my surgery.
    The first time was not a one time event. YES.
    And as surgery goes, I am now allowed to have sexual intercourse.
    Trish

Wednesday, May 5th, 2004

  • Yesterday I ...

    ...returned to court for jury duty. There were seventy five of us in the hall outside the courtroom waiting to be called in, or waiting for whatever would happen as we really had no idea.

    A few minutes after nine a.m. the court clerk came out with a bailiff and she began to read names from a list. We were to reply "here" and then enter the courtroom and take a seat. My name was the fourth called.

    As I walked in I noticed that the Judge was there, the defendant was sitting at the table facing the Judge, and all the lawyers, about five of them were standing and facing us as we walked in. I guess this must be tradition in this court. I took a seat near the front. I was surprised when they stopped calling names, the doors were closed and there were only about twenty of us (prospective jurors) in the courtroom.

    Then the judge spoke.

    He thanked us for our three days of service. He told us that the questionnaires we had filled out on Friday were reviewed and that those of us just called into the courtroom were to be excused based upon our answers, and I think in my case, the lack of answers. The nature of this case involved questions regarding issues such as post traumatic stress disorder, therapy, bipolar disorder, alcoholism, anti-depressants, gun control, the insanity defense, the shooting of a law enforcement officer and the attempted murder of others. Before we had completed the questionnaire, they warned us that our answers might be brought out into open court and/or the media and if there were any issues we did not wish to have exposed to the world, we should write "Private Please" instead of an answer. Those would be addressed later in a closed Q &A session.

    I Private Please'd quite a few times.

    Plus, I am thinkin that my being very conservative in some areas and slightly liberal in others would not have played well for either the defense or prosecution, so I was outta there. I am glad too. I did not want to serve on that particular case at all. But I did my best and I was honest.

    This was my first jury duty post transition and it was good. I was pretty nervous at times, but that was only about speaking in front of a couple hundred people. I never had to say that much except in one on ones with people waiting along with me, but I didn't get beat up or arrested so I guess I am good to go. I am a little embarrassed that I was so upset in my earlier Transition Diary entry about being called to jury duty, but what can I say, I will exhibit that behavior again I am sure.

    I went to electrolysis on Monday and rescheduled my therapy for next Wednesday. I may have to cancel that one too as my electro person might have an something to take care of. We will see.

    This is day 222 without cigarettes. Seven months and eight days. How do I feel about that? I still want one, badly at times. Now remember, I am on the smokers side always as I have said before so don't take this the wrong way. When I had quit for like five years and then for two years, I used to see people smoking and I would feel bad for them. They still had the "monkey on their back".

    They were still coughing and desperately looking around for a place to smoke without paying a fine or being fired from work or at the very least having people say really shitty things to them. Oh sure, most of them probably did not want to quit, but if they did, they still would have to go through what I and others had to to become "smoke free" and that was a drag. The whole thing is a drag.

    "A drag, how appropriate. You rock again, Trish."
    Why, thank you.

    Anyway, now when I see people smoking.... see people smoking.... see people.... wait....

    Hey you.
    "Me?"
    Yeah... you.
    "Yes?"
    What did you mean by 'drag' being appropriate.
    "You know Trish, like a drag off a cigarette? A hit? A puff?"
    Oh yeah... Okay... That is what I thought you meant.
    "Now now Trish, you didn't think that I meant the other kind of......"
    With you I never know.
    "Oh Trish, come on now."
    I'm sorry then.

    Anyway, when I see people smoking since I have quit this time, I am really jealous. I am like, "Man, you still get to smoke, that so sucks."

    "Trish? And?"
    That's all.
    "Long way around the barn there, Trish."

    Gonna go dilate......... again. Just three more weeks of dilating twice a day.

     


    Trish

Friday, May 7th, 2004

  • Remember the form that ...

    ...the Department of Motor Vehicles required to change my license from M to F? The form that I had my GRS surgeon Dr. Meltzer sign and was also signed by one of his nurses as a witness to the Dr. Meltzer signature? As indicated as required on the form? The form that the Department of Motor Vehicles said was good and accepted the first time I brought it into them? The form that they later sent back to me with a cover letter that in essence stated, "Oh nooooooooo Trish. We need your surgeon's office stamp on the form or we will cancel your license. Har-dee-har-har-har, wink wink nod." Remember that form? The one with no place for an office stamp on it?

    "Damn, Trish. We remember already."

    Well I sent it to Arizona to be stamped and as it turns out, they have no office stamp so they just copied the original forms after laying Dr. Meltzer's business card over it. Now I have copies with the business card 'imprinted' on them. I didn't know if this would fly or not as I am sure the DMV could just say, "Heeeeeyyyy... You did this yourself! We didn't just fall of no turnip truck ya know." After a discussion with the folks in Arizona I decided that I would just take the copies into the DMV and see how it goes. If push comes to shove I can just give them one of the three golden "Yes Trish Has Had Her GRS" notarized forms that were provided to me by Dr. Meltzer.

    And by the way, Dr. Meltzer's staff is totally working with me on this. I am not alone with it. They are helping me with whatever it takes to get this done. Aftercare in Arizona all around rocks.

    So this morning early, I went to the DMV. Once again the women helping me could not have been nicer. She said she didn't see what in the heck more they could want from me. Sacramento red tape. She wrote a note explaining what was what and included it with the forms to be submitted once again. So now I just hope that it is all over. If it comes back to me again, it will be taken care of........ one way or another.

     

    red tape
    I can see can't you see?
    Circle Jerks

Friday, May 14th, 2004

  • It's...

    ...baaaaaaaa-ack.

    The form from the Department of Motor Vehicles. The one from my last entry. Well, it is not actually back in my hands yet, but it is on it's way. There was a message on the telephone answering machine yesterday morning from a guy who was looking for me. He said that he was sending the form back to me for an office stamp. Get this: They did not need my surgeon's office stamp, but an office stamp from the DMV field office that I have taken the form to twice now. In other words, the DMV was supposed to office stamp the damn thing and have not done so twice at this point. So instead of sending the damn form back to them he is sending it back to me as though I am their damn supervisor responsible for educating them on proper procedure or some damn thing.

    Now I would feel stupid about not knowing they wanted a DMV office stamp instead of a surgeon's office stamp, but if they are sending it back to me I am figuring that *I* am not completing what *I* am responsible for and that is everything on the surgeon's end, not DMV office procedures. I called him back today to ask him just why the heck *I* am supposed to be taking it back to the DMV when he should be sending it back to them. They are the ones with the DMV office stamp and they are the ones who did not "complete a field" as was indicated on the cover letter, not me. And guess what, he was not in his office. His secretary said to call back on Monday. Just so the call would not be a complete loss I went into it with her a bit and she was all like, "Yeah, I don't get it either, but you need to call back on Monday." Oh sorry, I thought Friday at 10 a.m. in the morning would be normal working hours. What was I thinking.

    *slaps forehead*

    If this whole thing confuses you, don't feel bad, it seems to have confused them too.

    "Thanks Trish. So, you going to call back on Monday?"
    Duh.

    In the scheme of things this is no big deal at all. It will be straightened out especially now that I know what I am dealing with. It is just the idea of such... lameness.

    Anyway, that was just an update on where that is at. And I thought it was over. Riiiiiiiiight.

    What else, what else.

    I had therapy on Wednesday. Good good good. Things are coming down to the wire and it is going to start getting dicey. Anxious. Another appointment in five weeks. I had electrolysis on that day too.

    I went with my Mom to another Indian Casino last night to see a friend who is working there. It is a pretty nice casino and hotel overlooking a little river. We had a small dinner and I signed up for another one of those casino membership cards. So now I have another fun card in my wallet. I gambled four dollars in a two cent slot machine. I was up twenty cents at one point, but wouldn't ya know it? I just put it all back in. I am not a gambler. My Mom was up eighty dollars from twenty in a nickel machine and I made her cash out. She is thanking me today.

    On the surgery front I am pretty sure that I am healing okay, just really slow. I am still very tender in some spots, but not as tender as I was. I am still numb in a few areas too and there is no guarantee that I will ever regain feeling but they are not critical areas so I am lucky. Dilating is still very uncomfortable, but what are ya gonna do. It is worth it. I am hoping that intercourse is not like dilating though or I will be screaming, "Don't you come near me with that thing mista!"

    One of these days when I am all healed up I am going to write how it really is after having GRS/SRS or whatever you want to call the vaginoplasty procedure. You know why? Because there is no place on the Internet and nobody you can talk to in real life that will tell you straight out that the healing process takes a long time. Oh sure, I am betting that there are a few folks out there that are quick healers but I really don't think the majority of us were back on a bicycle in two weeks, running marathons in a month or saying after fourteen days that the "pain of SRS is a thing of the past" and I have heard or read all of that.

    And I am not talking about scaring the shit out of a person, I am talking about saying, "Hey, this is going to take a long time. It is going to be painful at times and uncomfortable most all the time for more then a few months. That's right, not weeks, months. But if you have done your homework, if this is really what you need, you will be happier with the outcome then any ol' pig in any ol' pile of shit could ever be."

    I know I cannot be the only one who after almost four months is still not ready to sit on a fence, at least not without a small amount of discomfort or maybe even some pain if I do not handle it right. From everything I had been told, read and heard before surgery, I thought that I would be out dancing a week after being surgeonized. Anyway, someday I am going to write about how it really is.

    Again, don't get me wrong. I would have surgery twenty times over if I had too. I am just really...... really glad that I don't have too.

     

    Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
    You been out ridin' fences for so long now.
    Eagles

    Ridin' fences? Oh ooch ouch.

Monday, May 17th, 2004

  • So I called...

    ...the Department of Motor Vehicles guy about the form and now I am feeling all guilty for being even semi-upset about having it sent back to me, twice now.

    When I asked why in my in the heck it is being sent back to me when it is the DMV who isn't following procedures, he apologized and said that he receives them in bulk without a return address. Without that address he doesn't know which field office to return it to, so it comes back to me. That doesn't make total sense in Departmento El Efficiéndo unless you think one word: Governmento. Grrrrr-OUCHO-ÈSTO!

    Once again, stay tuned........................................................ or not.

    This is day 234 without cigarettes. Seven months and twenty days. Gimmie gimmie gimmie.

    Yesterday I received a check for my jury duty service; $41. That will pay for a little more electrolysis.

    "Trish, boooooooring. Is electrolysis all you can think about???"
    Ninety-nine cents of every dollar that I can spare has for the last four years gone into my transition. Why should you be surprised.
    "It is just really getting old."
    Tell me about it, buddy. But I am in this for the long haul. It is very important.
    "I guess."

    You guess. I guess. We all guess! WOO HOO! CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!! BOING BOING BOING!!!

     

    I'm gellin. You gellin?
    Dr. Scholl

    Later that day...
    The DMV form did arrive in the mail just a bit ago. I will probably go back down to have it DMV office stamped on Thursday, hopefully for... the... last... time. Hee hee hee ho ho ho ha ha ha.