Monday, November 22nd, 2004

• I didn't have a...

  ...drinking dream last night, nor did I ever get that cigarette. Damn.

  As my drivers license is set to expire soon, on Friday I went down to the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew it. I had to have my picture taken yet again. That is three times in about a year I think. I am not feeling as critical about it as I was the first time, and even slightly less then the second time. For a person in my shoes, a drivers license picture can be a kind of important thing. I mean I worked pretty hard to get it as female and every once in a while I like to take it out and admire it.

  "Really?"
  Yeah.
  "Bizarre, Trish."

  I know. But anyway, when I take it out I don't want to be reminded of how ugly I am or of my "roots". So I tend to want my picture to come out.... oh.... I dunno.... acceptable. As time goes by I admire it less and less so the picture is less and less important, but still. So I wait on pins and needles once again, but to a lesser extent. And I will have this picture for at least four years.

  "You are so petty sometimes, Trish."
  Hey.....

  You don't like Trish? Don't read Trish.

  "Okay okay... Ree-lax."

  But going to the DMV on Friday was very cool in some respects. It was the first time I had gone down there as a person without any "special circumstances". I was not changing my name, or changing the M (for male) to F (for female) or fighting any bureaucratic red tape or anything. I was just renewing my license. That was first-rate.

  Last Wednesday I had the second round of physical therapy for my back. It ended up that I did exercises for about thirty five minutes and for the last fifteen minutes I was put into traction on a heating pad. I have another appointment for this coming Wednesday. I am trying to keep an open mind, but I am still hurting and it just seems to be getting worse.

  They will not give me any more weak ass pain reliever until I make an appointment (more money) to go in to see the "doctor in a trailer". I guess they do not want to be responsible for creating an aspirin addict. Because of scheduling I will not be able to see him until maybe next week, so no relief from the pain for a while yet. Once again, though it may not sound like it I am trying to keep an open mind. The shit hurts, constantly.

  I am at three hundred and twenty hours of electrolysis. It used to be that I loved to watch those hours add up. They made me feel as though I was really getting somewhere in my transition. But once I hit that two hundred hour mark, my enthusiasm started to wane. And now that I have hit the three hundred hour mark, I just want it to be over. I keep records of the hours now not so much out of zeal, but because it is just a part of the whole thing, at least it is for me.

  This week has been very good. There is very little hair on my face. It was the same with last week. But the week before that I had a growth spurt that was awful. So just when I think that this is coming to an end, bam, it's not. Hopefully the good weeks will get to the point where they outnumber the bad weeks a whole lot more then they do now.

  It looks as though my son will not be spending Thanksgiving with me this year. He is getting older and he probably wants to hang out with his friends. This is good. He is growing up. It would be nice to be closer in location though so that I could at least see him for a few minutes. I am just hoping that he will be here on Christmas day, or at least a day or two after.

  I will have Thanksgiving day to myself as nobody will be here so I get to just hang out and mess around.

   

  I am not really in very good humor today.
  Trish

Wednesday, December 1st, 2004

• My new drivers...

  ...license came in the mail today, the one with the picture that I am going to have until 2010. The picture is so bad that even my mom said, "Not good". I want to go out to the balcony and heave that piece of crap ugly drivers license as far as I can so it will never be seen again.

  I guess I will have to "lose it" and go get a new one someday........ soon.

   

  Damn.
  Trish

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

• I was at the hospital...

  ...today helping a loved one through surgery and I overheard a surgeon speaking to the woman on the gurney one curtain over:

  "What we will be doing today is taking a tissue sample and sending it down to the lab while you are still anesthetized. If it turns out to be cancerous we will be taking your breast at that time."

  You just don't hear something like that every day and it is really upsetting.

  I prayed as I watched them take her down to surgery and I am praying for her tonight.

  Today's entry is for her and those close to her.

   

  
  Trish

Saturday, December 4th, 2004

• I have had two...

  ...more visits to physical therapy (for my back pain) since last I had written about it. On Wednesday the 24th they had me do exercises for a while. Then they put me on a heating pad and attached four sticky patches to my back that applied electrical stimulation of some kind. About an hour or so after leaving that session I actually had some relief from the pain that lasted few hours. I didn't say anything about the relief to anybody around me though as I did not want to jinx it.

  This past Monday I went my appointment with the "trailer doctor" to plead my case for some pain medication. I must have made an impact as after his speech to me about not wanting to "mask the pain with medication but actually take care of the real problem" he came through with some effective prescriptions, or at least more effective prescriptions then he had written in the past, like the do nuthin Atomic Aspirin. Thank you "trailer doctor". Finally.

  The plan now is to continue on with physical therapy for about three more weeks. If that does not resolve the problem, he will schedule an MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) for me. In the meantime, I am going to be looking into some state funded financial assistance as the insurance company of the person who hit my car will not reimburse until all is said and done. All of this just because I did not want our car insurance payments to go up. That is the reason I never notified our insurance company. I didn't know right away that my back was screwed up. I will never try and save money in that way again.

  This past Wednesday I again went to physical therapy and this time I did not do any exercising at all. Through our conversations I guess she (the physical therapist) decided to just manipulate my back and spine and massage my muscles. You would think that this would have been pleasant, but it wasn't. It hurt. After that she performed some Ultrasound and I again had some of the electronic stimulation. This totally surprised me as I was not supposed to have any of this type of treatment, it is more expensive. But I am not being charged for it.

  The great part is, the really great part is, I actually had for the most part relief from the pain for the rest of the day and most of the next. It was like I was normal again. I had not felt that way for close to five months. I know that the relief was in small part due to the pain medication also, but I had backed off on the amount I am taking so I am pretty sure that the majority of it was owed to physical therapy. Maybe the next time the pain relief will last even longer. I still don't want to jinx it.

  Oh, and in the Small World Department, the young woman who does the electronic stimulation part of the therapy as it turns out lives in the home in back of us on the mountain here. She is actually fresh out here from back east and is staying with her aunt and uncle until she finds a place of her own. Maybe a new friend, probably not, but maybe.

  I am still doing the "at home" daily exercises that the physical therapist has instructed me to do.

  I had a really nice Thanksgiving weekend because as it turned out at the last minute my son did actually come to spend it with us. We hung out a lot and laughed a lot and I was able to communicate in I hope an effective (and not depressing) way just how much I hate not living with him. I had not officially planned to do that, but sometimes the opportunity just presents itself and you have to take it while the taking is good.

  Thanksgiving day and evening he and my mom traditionally went to my mom's in-laws. I usually just hang out at the house and do stuff on my own. On Friday we went to see Finding Neverland, a movie starring Johnny Be Still My Beating Heart Depp. A really, really good movie about "Peter Pan" playwright JM Barrie and the children who were the inspiration for the story. A real tear-jerker it was. I am so glad that my son is the kind of guy that can appreciate a movie like Finding Neverland. And we emptied a large ass buttered popcorn and two large ass drinks (Diet Cokes® for me and Sprite® for him) between the two of us. Only $127 worth of movie snacks.

  Oh, and by the way... Johnny Depp is mine. It just makes me sick when I see all of these people going on and on about how they adore him, love him and swoon over him. Just give it up, all of you. I don't want to hear about it even one more time. Knock it off and leave Johnny and I alone. Understand? I will probably be forced to remind you of this again in the future as you never seem to give up.

  Oh and one more thing while I'm on the subject: Those of you that were all turned on by John in The Pirates of the Caribbean just because he had eyeliner on are lying to yourselves. It is not John you "love", it is some guy wearing makeup that put you in your feverish state. And besides, it's not eyeliner, it's pirate shit to keep the sun's reflection on the ocean from messing with his buccaneer eyesight. So go back to the Rocky Horror Picture Show and ogle Dr. Frankfurter. Go on, off with ye, ya scurvy landlubbers.

  "Go get em, Trish."
  I am pirate. Hear me roar.

  On Sunday, May 23rd of this year I had written of "The Bowling Ball Effect" The post-operative part of SRS (vaginoplasty) that feels (a short description) like somebody took a rope and tied a bowling ball to my penis and testicles, threw the ball over my shoulder and left it hanging there yanking my penis and testicles skyward (bigtime). Very uncomfortable. Well, long story short, The Bowling Ball Effect is going away. It is still there, but it is dissipating more all the time. I won't say dissaptaing more and more every day, because it is more like more and more every month. None of the healing of SRS happens day by day (for me), it is always (for me) month by month, if it is that fast.

  I had SRS on January 29th of this year, ten months ago. For me the healing has been slow and at times very frustrating, made even more frustrating by the SRS post-operatives who would tell me that they were experiencing no pain and even just slight discomfort anywhere from two months to two weeks after surgery.

  Do you know how discouraging and downright scary it is to hear that others are squatting, riding bikes with teeny razor blade shaped seats and driving the little bumpy ass'd Autopia cars at Disneyland just two weeks after surgery and experiencing no pain at all? It is scary as Hell. I would just sit here and think that I am the only one still hurting after this time period and that my crotch is on it's way to turning purple and black and falling off.

  For me, the moral to that story should be:

  If I ever have SRS again or anything like it, do not listen to anybody else about recovery. Just take it day by day and listen to my surgeon and nurses. Everybody is different and I cannot go totally (or at all) by anybody else's experiences.

  Yeah, that is what the moral of the story should be, but that is easier said then actually adhered to. I still have to wonder if there are people out there who are being less then honest with others about their recovery. I can appreciate the power of positive thinking even when things are less then desirable. The problem is, they do not relay to us that they are using the power of positive thinking when they are actually neck deep in stuff like The Bowling Ball Effect.

  I guess what I am doing here, and will continue to do is try to communicate that healing from SRS can be a difficult period of time even when (knock on wood) things are progressing fine. There can be doubts like you would not believe even when there is no reason for concern. It seems that the only time I read or hear anybody speaking of doubts or fear or anxieties is when there are obvious reasons for distress as something has gone wrong with the surgery or rehabilitation. Otherwise, everything is always peachy keen just days after surgery

  I am here to say that even when things are fine, that is not always the case. I was not peachy keen after two weeks, or even two or three or four months. I was healing normally, but I was not fine. Granted I am a pessimist and I see the worst in things many times, but I felt really alone reading and hearing that I was the only one not healed well enough to straddle just about any object, run a marathon or have cowboy sex (yeeee-HAW!) practically right after surgery.

  Anyway...

  I am about to write of masturbation again.

  "Why, Trish?"
  Because something I did was super cool and neat.
  "Okay, carry on."
  Thanks.

  Oh damn... Cigarette craving just hit. Damn. Bad one, or good one depending on how you look at it. It never goes away.

  Anyway...

  "You said that, Trish."
  Said what.
  "Anyway..."
  Oh yeah, anyway...
  "See?"
  Yeah.

  Anyway... This masturbation thing that was cool and neat is actually no huge big deal to anybody else, but it is to me. On Thanksgiving day I had started to dilate (the semi-daily process of placing a medical stent in my vaginal canal to keep it from collapsing) as normal. But it was not happening, just too draining for that day. So I decided, "Screw it. I am going to skip it for today and just take a shower." But before I could get up, the mood for a little happy happy joy joy self-stimulation had suddenly overtaken me and I reached over and into my drawer for my vibrator.

  Now up until this time I had only used my vibrator externally. Even though it is not a huge vibrator, I was a little fearful of putting it inside of me. But on this day I experimented and used it internally. Oh Lord. Oh Lordy Lordy Lordy.

  

  I would say that I only "took in" approximately an inch and a half to two inches or so but holy crap, the vibrations were wonderful. They seemed to travel my entire body and into my freakin brain. I wondered how my clitoris was going to be stimulated via vaginal penetration with the vibrator. Believe me, stimulation happens. My orgasm was loud (or was that me) and just might be in The Top Three Best Orgasms I have ever experienced.

  Happy Thanksgiving.

  It is worth saying again: Throughout my whole existence on this planet I have never ever felt so good about this part of my life. I wonder how good it will be if I am ever able to share it. The thought of it is almost alarming, in an alarmingly great way.

  I was supposed to have gone to therapy this last Wednesday, but he had to cancel. It has been six weeks since my last session. We are rescheduling. It is not critical at this time.

  I keep feeling like there is something else I should write today, but I guess I can't remember it. Oh well.

   

  My electrolysis person rocks.
  I love her.
  Trish

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

• Now my mom and I are...

  ...not necessarily the type to do this very often, but...

  ...yesterday we were at Target® (the department store) looking at DVD movies when my mom reached out and...

  "Mom, that will be ten demerits for even touching Fahrenheit 911." (Fahrenheit 911 being Michael Moore's Anti-George Bush propaganda movie.)

  "It's for a good reason", she says to me. And with that she reaches down and grabs another DVD to place in front of the propaganda. We both titter all the way to Appliances at the sight of The Passion Of The Christ keeping Michael hidden from view.

  "Titter. Titter titter."

  Oh mom.... Twenty demerits stricken from the record.

   

  Roger Murtaugh: Jesus. You're not trying to draw a psycho pension. You're really crazy.
  Martin Riggs: So now you know.
  Lethal Weapon

Monday, December 20th, 2004

• I am so tired...

  ...of being the only fuckin (ex)transsexual who says what I think and what many others think also but are too chickenshit to say for fear of sounding less then sympathetic/empathetic/womanly to all the poor little wanker "live and let live" freaks that fall under the "transgender umbrella".

  Oh sure let Trish take the heat for it while we call her an asshole behind her back and all the while deep down inside you are glad that somebody like Trish has the balls to actually say it and confront the horny mother effers bringing the "in your public face transsexual community" down while you sit there in your hippie dippie lovee dovee innocence.

  Fuck that, and fuck you peacenik do gooder hypocrites who let Trish do all of your dirty work while you talk shit behind her back so you can remain lily white to all your fans. Fuck you and your rose smelling asses.

  For all of you new people just discovering or coming to terms with yourselves for the first time in your lives, take what you can from "the community" online or otherwise, that is not covered in wank ass'ed jism and girly girly kiss ass "you are so beautiful" crap and leave the rest, then get the hell out of it.

  If you are serious about actually wanting to live as anything other then a "third gender" for the rest of your lives, then do some research and in this day and age you will find some of what you need. If all you want is cum on your cyber or real time faces, smeared on your fishnets and red Frederick's of Hollywood panties then good luck and I hope you find hapiness in Kinkville. Just please keep that shit in skankass underground clubs and your bedrooms where it belongs.

  This Transition Diary is about to come to an end. There is just no good reason for it anymore. It is starting to be to my detriment in more then one area. Bigtime. Soon. Over. There are no more points to be made and not many more experiences worth sharing publicly. I find that kind if sad, but I find "The Community" even more sad.

   

  
  Trish, The Insensitive Negative Bitch of Bitches
  who never wanted a face full of AIDS infested wife cheating
  looking for that "girl with something extra" jizz

Wednesday, December 22th, 2004

• Online transgender...

  ...chatification.

  Wendy: Oh I just love your picture sis. You are so totally beautiful. You will have no problem passing at all.

  Sissy: Oh no, not ME sis, YOU are the beautiful one. You must have all the guys just flirting with you at all the bars.

  Wendy: Not me sis.

  Jane: You are both soooooooo pretty. I can only dream of looking as cute and femme as both of you. I would date you both in a New York minute. *blush*

  Wendy: Gee no sis, you are just so pretty and oh so fem and you will have no problem making the boys and girls go crazy. I have seen all two of your pictures. Don't be so hard on yourself.

  Sissy: You said "hard". *giggle* *sigh*

  Sissy private message to Wendy: Watch out sis! I am gonna get a boner! Just joking! *giggle*

  Wendy private message to Sissy: OMG girlfriend!

  Jane: *sigh*

  Wendy: *sigh*

  Sissy: I so love being a T-Girl.

  Jane: Me too, but my wife hates it.

  Wendy: Mine too, but why does your wife hate you being a T-Girl.

  Jane: Because I look so much better then she does. It's a jealousy thing. Claws out! *giggle*

  Wendy: *giggle*

  Sissy: *giggle*

  Jane: *giggle* Genetic women just don't know how to get dolled up anymore.

  Sissy: It is no wonder that men are so much more attracted to us then them.

  Wendy: Yeah.

  Jane: Yeah.

  Sissy: Hey! I have a new picture! Wanna see it?!

  Jane: Kewl!

  Wendy: Bring it on sis!

  Trish: You know, it is kind of dangerous telling each other that you will have no problem out in the world based on what you have seen in one or maybe two photographs on the Internet.

  Sissy: Huh??

  Wendy: WTF?

  Trish: Yes, pictures do not always accurately reflect what a person actually looks like. You could be sending each other out to get an ass whooping by some homophobic rednecks.

  Jane: Trish? I suspect you are a trouble maker. A negative troublemaker.

  Sissy: Yes, and very mean. A very mean troublemaker.

  Wendy: Amen sis. Leave now, Trish. We do not need your attitude.

  Jane: Yes, I am a room monitor and I am asking you nicely to leave.

  Trish: Okay, I am gone.

  *Trish logs out of the system*

  Sissy: Sheesh, what an idiot. Okay! Wanna see my new pic!

   

  I was just a boy when I threw away my toys.
  And found a new pastime to dwell on.
  The O'Kaysions

Friday, December 24th, 2004

• I now...

  ...know that I will never ever be truly happy unless I am high. It cannot be overstated. The only time I am ever 100% happy is when I am high and inside myself.

  Nothing I have done with my life to this point can take the place of being under the influence.

  This is something that I cannot share with anybody and I will have to find some way to deal with it because I am not going to stay totally straight for the rest of my life. It is just not going to happen.

   

  It is really frustrating.
  Trish

Sunday, December 26th, 2004

• Christmas...

  ...sucks.

  No more Christmases, no more birthdays, no more stuffed animals. I am tired of living. Just tired of it. Gimmie drugs or gimmie death in slumber.

  Life is what you make of it and I just cannot seem to make that much of it. I wanna go up and not come down, damn it.

  Fuck Christmas.

  You have heard it all before and that is why these writings are worthless anymore. Just the same shit over and over and over again. Just stupid. Lame lame lame. Up and down, down and up, lame and lame, stupid and stupid. I have to end this. I just simply have to get out of the habit of writing this garbage. I have to find other things to occupy my time. This Transition Diary piece of shit is over.

  A lot of the dreams/hopes are over.

  I am not ever going to be penetrated by a desirable man. I am never going to be able to please a desirable man with talents as yet to be revealed. I am not going to be taken to Disneyland by the person of my dreams who smells like roses and strawberries, opens doors for me and buys me pretty little figurines. I am not going to even come close to an ending filled with love and mutual admiration. All I am ever going to do is to keep writing about stupid shit like "So and so called me ma'am today and wo, was that ever cool." What horse shit. What a bore. This Transition Diary is over.

  "I will miss you, Trish."
  Sure ya will.

   

  Go home everybody. That's a wrap.
  Trish

Tuesday, December 28th, 2004

• Okay, I have...

  ...to eat humble pie or crow pie or pie pie or *some* kind of pie. I just cannot end this Transition Diary yet. It is a part of me. It seems that I once again let my emotions get the better of me and thought it was over, but there is still more.

  I will explain when I come to my senses. It may be a while.

   

  
  Trish

Saturday, January 8th, 2005

• I have...

  ...not had many opportunities to update my Transition Diary lately and during the few chances that I have had I am not in a very good frame of mind, so I pass on it. Things are not really all that bad (same ol'), but in my mind, complications escalate. I do not want to paint a picture that is less than accurate.

  I will update soon.

   

  
  Trish

Monday, January 10th, 2005

• A frustrating...

  ...day. As I type this I am unable to connect to the Internet to load this file to my website. The rains have been hitting so hot and heavy around here for the last few days that my (in the mountains lousy connection) dial-up phone line is not useable at all. And to add insult to injury, the Word Documents program on this computer is failing me also. I normally type everything into a word doc and then upload it to my webspace. So this is a challenging day from the git go.

  Let me see if I can explain my tirade of Sunday December 26th, 2004:

  You know what? I had typed out a long deal about it, and it was just a huge whine. I am just going to say this one thing. Something that I had wanted to give to my son for Christmas, something that he wanted muchly, very muchly, and was just about the only thing that was in my power to give to him, fell through. He knew about it and we were both so excited about it, and in the last two minutes, it fell through. He was okay with it. I was less then okay with it. This started my downward whatever. This started it all. So...

  ...I came here and handled it badly, which is what I do.

  The gift that I wanted to give to my son is not over. I am going to get it for him come Hell or high-water. It may take another year, but he will get it. That is all I am going to say with regard to Sunday December 26th. I have to leave it behind.

  Before the 26th I was also being truthful when I wrote:

  "I now know that I will never ever be truly happy unless I am high. It cannot be overstated. The only time I am ever 100% happy is when I am high and inside myself. "

  This is just something that I am going to have to continue to deal with, as I have done for the last eight and one half years. Sometimes this sucks beyond all other things. Sometimes I let it out. Right now, I feel like being high, on whatever. I really want it almost more then anything. I even want it more then I want a cigarette.

  I shit you not when I write that the movie Leaving Las Vegas was written for me. That is my dream. When I was in alcoholism rehab we had movie night on Saturdays. Leaving Las Vegas had just come out on video and I asked to have it brought in. They said no. "Too unsettling. Too many addiction triggers. People could go off." But I asked again. They said no again. And I asked again. And they said no again. Later on when doing the outpatient rehab thing, they said that for The 4th of July we could rent a movie to watch. I asked about Leaving Las Vegas again, this time they said yes.

  There were about eight of us watching the video. Within fifteen minutes there were about five of us. In another thirty minutes there were three of us and at the end of the movie there were only two. Myself and one other. Why the other person lasted the entire movie I don't know, but as for me? I lasted because that movie hit so close to my ass that I could not have gotten out of my chair even if I had wanted to. To make a long story short...

  "Too late. Trish."

  Anyway... I am so unfocused today it is pitiful. Let me try to move on.

  I know this is going to sound kind of ridiculous now, but Christmas and the days leading up to it were great. My son was here. We would go out Christmas shopping together and I just love being with him so much. I picked him up the Tuesday before Christmas so we had lot's of time to be together. It was excellent.

  My son and I both really like Eminem (say what you will) and he had burned some Eminem videos onto compact disk for me. While we were watching these the night before we were to go shopping I thought it would be fun to buy the both of us matching Eminem keychains, some that I had seen in a store on a previous occasion. So we did that and now at least for me, when I look at my keys I can remember our time together during the holidays and hopefully he can do the same.

  When my son is here, I am able to just walk across the room or scootch over on the couch to hold him or just touch him in some way. I don't have this very often. I always did this when we lived together and I miss being able to do it any time I want. 'Tis a killer.

  It worked out that he left for home about four days early. It was just traveling semantics. It had to be that way. But it broke my heart and on the Tuesday that he left I could not stop with the emotions. As it turns out, that day was my electrolysis day and for the first time in four and a half years I could not talk while there. I just could not keep it together long enough to put a sentence together.

  For two days I was pretty much a mess. Every time I looked around the house I kept thinking to myself, "He was supposed to be here today." It sucked. I hope I get over this kind of thing. I mean, kids do eventually leave the nest (except for me apparently) and what do parents do, have emotional overload every time their kids visit and leave? I just can't imagine this to be the case.

  I love my kid. And even better then that, he loves me back.

  You would think that that alone would make life very cool. Right now though it is just adding to the shit.

  I know that is a terrible thing to write. But loving him so much and missing him so much just adds to the shit. I know that is a bad tude, but what can I say.

  I keep wondering how in the fuck my dad could have just left his nine year old little kid the way he did. I just can't fathom it.

  For the last four years, one of the first things I do in the New Year is to play something I call "Do or Die Solitaire". You know, the Solitaire game that comes with your computer? I... play... one... game. If I win, the New Year is going to be great, if I lose, the New Year is going to suck. This year I played it v-e-r-y   s-l-o-w-l-y. The sweat was almost pouring from my forehead as I went along. My lately high anxiety level was even higher. The Cuban missile crisis had nothing on this shit lemmie tell ya.

  "That's pretty damn stupid, Trish."
  Oh yeah?
  "Yeah."
  Yeah?
  "Yeah."
  Yer right, it never works.

   

   

    "Well?"
  Well, what.
  "Did you win? This year? Did you win?"
  Yep.
  "You're right then, it doesn't really seem work all that well."

   

   

    "You know what though? You were able to have surgery last year. Had you won last year's game?"
  Probly lost.
  "Oh, tough luck then."

  I went to the dentist on December 20th for a cleaning. All is well except for one tooth they said needs a crown. The filling that they had performed could last for two more days or two years. I am hoping for twenty years as a crown will cost $1000. No insurance and I have no idea if I will ever be insured again. If I were in a better frame of mind I would write about how I went there by myself all brave like and it was cool.

  New years Eve? Watched television. Stayed up to see the end of one year and the beginning of the next, clock struck twelve, sent a text message to my son and pretty much just went to bed. Better then last year when I lost my dinner over the New Year's Eve emergency dental work and subsequent stomach upsetting pharmaceuticals and at least I was not asleep on the couch by ten PM, but I still kind of hope for more someday. Ha. Keep dreaming.

  "Trish, you have to make it happen."
  Ha.

  My chest (Madonna and Cher) in the last two weeks has been pretty sore again for the first time in a long long long long while. I know by now that this means nothing in the growth department.

  I have an appointment with my endocrinologist coming up on January 28th. This is weighing very heavy on my mind. I have postponed this appointment for close to a year now and I just cannot afford to go. But he is my hormone guy. I cannot keep postponing it. Will he refuse me hormone refills if I don't go? I have no idea. I am not sure what I am going to do.

  It seems that the price of Estradiol (estrogen prescription) has gone up not one, not two, not three but to four times it's cost. That means that a script that cost me $75 the last time is now going to run me $300.

  "We can multiply, Trish."

  I know, but it just looks more impressively shitty when you actually write it out. The pharmacist says that he can give me another brand at a lower price when the time comes, but who knows what I will be getting. The next time I write about being all extremely happy because of things like the price of HRT being so incredibly much lower after surgery, kick me.

  "With pleasure, Trish. And I am sure I that will hear a collective cheer from the Peanut Gallery."

  Hey, I know that I am not the only one that this happens to. I know that I am not the only person who needs Estradiol, but I am the one who continually jinxes this stuff.

  "Yes Trish, you are special. Now then, how about those Dodgers."

  The physical therapy for my back is over. I had my last appointment the week before Christmas. Did it help? I think it was starting to. That electric stimulation thing they did seemed to really work. Perhaps if I had been able to go twice a week as they wished.... But, without financial aid, no more. I just have to keep doing my exercises at home and hope for the best. My back is still effed up.

  I have not seen my therapist in about seven weeks. I don't have an appointment with him yet. It is time for one, believe me, but the money is on my mind. We will see.

  There is just too much flying around in my head to try and communicate right now.

  Things once again seem to be crashing down on me. A lot of it is I my head. A lot of it is not.

  I want to love life. I really want to. I am just not sure if I will ever be able to leave the shit behind and keep the good stuff long enough to do that. There is so much good stuff, but the shit, it keeps taking all my energy. I can't seem to change that. It just seems to be innate.

  "Why don't we just put a ticker lock on it for today, Trish."
  Okay.

   

  
  Trish

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

• I found these...

  ...questions on another website, and I have never done anything like this before, but for fun I think I am going to do this little Question & Answer session. I am not sure how it is going to turn out as I have not pre-read the majority of the questions. I am not sure if it is going turn out to be light hearted, sarcastic or just piss me off and depress me. I am hoping it will be kind of fun. Oh well, here goes nuthin as they say.

  ~ A Year in Review: 2004 ~

  What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
  I had vaginoplasty with Dr. Toby Meltzer in Arizona. New and good.

  Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
  I never make New Year resolutions. For me it's bad luck. If I need to do something, I don't usually wait for a date. I do it when the time feels right. That is what usually works for me.

  Did anyone close to you give birth?
  There were babies born. Yes.

  Did anyone close to you die?
  Knock on wood, no.

  What countries did you visit?
  Arizona.

  "Um, Arizona is not a country, Trish."
  Oh great, an attitude. Fine then.

  What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
  Oh-kaaaaay, the first question that makes me think about things that I would rather not think about. I would like to have more self-confidence. Self-confidence that I have never had, in 2004 or ever.

  What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
  January 29th, the day that I had vaginoplasty with Dr. Meltzer in Arizona. Hmmm, that surgery seems to be dominating this Q & A so far. It is rather important though. The why it is important practically fills my entire Transition Diary.

  What was your biggest achievement of the year?
  Oh man. Well, I would have to say vaginoplasty with Toby Meltzer in Arizona. I seem to have a one track life goin on here. Actually, there were several others. I was lucky enough to keep my electrolysis going. I finally have my drivers license with "F" (for female) on it. All pretty much transition stuff. . I got my teeth pretty much back on the good health train. I went the entire year without smoking (I HATE not smoking) and I have one more year of being sober. Unfortunately, nothing lucrative.

  What was your biggest failure?
  I failed to do anything very challenging. I failed to do much of anything that frightens me. Having to sell my car was not a great 2004 memory. I have never been sans vehicle.

  Did you suffer illness or injury?
  Yes, a back injury when a car rear-ended me on the freeway; the one really dark spot of 2004 that has a real possibility of changing my life's direction, and not for the better. It is sort of (in a big way) freaking me out.

  What was the best thing you bought?
  Did I mention Arizona?

  Whose behavior merited celebration?
  My son. He rocks. Even when the going gets rough for him, he pulls himself up and bam, right back on it babee.

  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
  At times, mostly mine. Sometimes I cross the fine line and turn into a blathering paranoid depressed goober. That fine line scares the shit out of me. And the older I get, the finer that line seems.

  Where did most of your money go?
  Same place it has gone for the last five years: My transition. Electrolysis, therapy, hormones, and did I mention Arizona?

  What did you get really, really, really excited about?
  My son's 17th birthday. Vaginoplasty (Arizona). The "F" on my driver's license. Johnny Depp. "The Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl" on DVD. Sex (if ever) and masturbation since vaginoplasty is totally exciting.

  What song will always remind you of 2004?
  "Like Toy Soldiers" by Eminem:
  "Step by step, heart to heart, left right left.
  We all fall down like toy soldiers.
  Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win.
  But the battle wages on for toy soldiers."

  Compared to this time last year, are you:
  A) Happier or sadder? About the same, just differently.
  B) Thinner or fatter? Well, I have gained weight since quitting smoking. I am not pleased.
  C) Richer or poorer? Poorer, in a big big way.

  What do you wish you'd done more of?
  Spent more time with my son. Spent more of my time outside doing things like gardening and chores and stuff. I wished that I had done more for my mom.

  What do you wish you'd done less of?
  Obsessing over the bad stuff. Projecting the worst. Worrying. However, even though I am aware that I do this, I don't see it changing. I keep trying to find new outlooks, new techniques, affirmations, nothing seems to work.

  How will you be spending Christmas?
  At this point, that is pretty far off, but I would hope to spend it as I always have; with my son and my mom. Anything we do on Christmas is good as long as I am with these people.

  Toilet paper in 2004: Fold or wad?
  Hey! I have seen that in another group of questions on the Internet. Not this group of questions. What gives?
  "I was just having a little fun."
  Well it was wholly inappropriate.
  "Okaaaay, alright already."
  Fold.

  Did you fall in love in 2004?
  Yeah, with a guy who works in the food court at a mall I hang out at, a guy who is much too young and looks right through me.

  How many one-night stands?
  With another person? Somebody who is breathing? Let's see, how many times can I copy and paste "HA HA HA" here. No one-night stands. Not even that many with myself. But let me tell ya, the few one nighters that I did have with myself were out of this world. Besides, with the way the world is, between Sexually Transmitted Diseases and the nut case freakazoids out there, I do not envy single people.

  "Again... Um Trish, you *is* a single people."
  Oh yeah. Well, I kind of forget that. I have been alone for so long that I don't even feel like I could be a one-half to anybody else's one-half anymore. It's like I forget that it is even a possiblility most of the time. I also feel totally under-qualified.

  What was your favorite TV program?
  Oh without a doubt, nanosecond decision here: American Dreams:

  "Executive producer Dick Clark's evocative drama, which won two Emmy Awards, is set against the memorable music, the cultural clashes, and the Vietnam war during the 1960s. The third-year drama depicts the American landscape -- as seen through the youthful Pryor family of Philadelphia as they brace for the cultural turbulence ahead that still resonates in this contemporary era."

  Right now American Dreams airs on Sunday nights at 8 PM on NBC. I love this show more then I have loved any television show in years and years. I care so much for just about each and every character.

  "Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
  As much as I would truly like to say that the word "hate" is not a part of my vocabulary, I am afraid that at times, it is. As for the question? No.

  What was the best book you read?
  "A Women's Way through the Twelve Steps", by Stephanie S. Covington, Ph.D.

  What was your greatest musical discovery?
  Nothing yet, but I am hoping to discover sometime soon that all my expensive drums are not warping and/or rusting in the space that I am having to store them since the divorce and moving from my ex-home.

  What did you want and get?
  Let's just put it this way, it involved a drive to Arizona. (Well okay, you twisted my arm: vaginoplasty.)

  "Dang Trish, you're a broken record."
  What can I say. I didn't write the questions.

  And I also wanted my son to do well in high school and have fun too. This is dicey at times but it seems to be happening. I also wanted/needed to keep my electrolysis going. AND also, my son, my mom and my ex-wife got together for my birthday this month and bought for me a way to back up the files on my computer. I badly needed and wanted some way to do this. Thanks you guys.

  What did you want and not get?
  A job. This is involved. Not going to go into it here. I also wanted to have my birth certificate changed to reflect my transition. I have to work on that in 2005.

  "Hey Trish."
  Yeah?
  "You also learned the word 'also' in 2004 I betchya."
  I don't get it.

  What was your favorite film of this year?
  I don't see that many. I guess I would have to say "Finding Neverland" with Johnny Depp.

  "Johnny Depp? Your future husband? Well duh on that one, Trish."
  Hey, I have not seen that many movies. Last year this would have been easy; "The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl".
  "With Mr. Depp?"
  Yeah.
  "Well duh on that one too, Trish."
  Arrrrrrg. Well look, there was another one; "The House of Sand and Fog" starring Jennifer Connelly and Ben Kingsley. That one stands out to me as a great movie, but I don't know if that was a 2003 movie or not as I saw it on DVD this past summer. No John in that one.

  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
  My mom and I spent the day out shopping for a birthday present for a friend. We had lunch/dinner at The Panda Express in one of my favorite malls. Later on that evening I spoke to my son on the telephone for about an hour, during which time he surprised me with a gift (the computer back-up device). He had hidden it in an upstairs closet while he was here over the holidays. That was fun and he made me laugh.

  I turned seventeen.

  What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
  No car accident; no back injury.

  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
  If I understand the question, pretty good actually. I am now more and more able to just look at many articles of clothing and know if they will fit me or not. This is helping me to find clothes that work with my body type. I am also for the first time in my life able to try clothing on in the store before I make purchases. This helps a dang lot. I believe that I have good taste in clothing and I think that the way I dress reflects this. Not that I always wear nice clothing. Believe me, I don't.

  What kept you sane?
  Any sanity that I do have I owe to my mom, and to some extent, my son. Oh, and how could I forget my therapist.

  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
  Let me guess, you have not been paying the slightest bit of attention. What part of  J-o-h-n-n-y  D-e-p-p did you skip over. (Although "fancy" is not really the right word. It does not quite capture the voracity I feel for John.)

  What political issue stirred you the most?
  The just plain out-and-out hatred for the our current President of the United States of America.

  Who did you miss?
  Julie.

  Who was the best new person you met?
  I didn't really meet anybody new. I am however anxious to one day re-meet people that I have not seen in years. People that via the wonders of the Internet I have been able to be in contact with once again. One person in particular.

  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
  Take nothing for granted. Not a totally new lesson, but everything old is after all... new again.

  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

  I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
  you get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger.
  May you never take one single breath for granted,
  God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.
  I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
  whenever one door closes I hope one more opens.
  Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
  and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,

   

  I hope you dance.... I hope you dance.
  Lee Ann Womack