Sunday, August 28th, 2005

• A new...

  ...advertising slogan keeps running through my head:

  "FFS, the NEW SRS."

  FFS being Facial Feminization Surgery and SRS being Sex Reassignment Surgery. I wonder why this slogan (that is my own thank you very much) seems appropriate to the times. When I started my transition some five years ago, no matter where I went, online or in real time I never heard much (if any) mention of FFS. It was all about SRS being the "in thing".

  It used to be that it was so "hip" and "cool" to be able to say, "SRS? Why yes dahling, more years ago than I care to think about la dee dah." Now you hear people with even a rhinoplasty scheduled saying, "I am having FFS done soon, hon."

  No yer not.

  FFS is not just "plastic surgery". FFS actually involves shaving and shaping of bone structure in the face to create a more "feminine (in whomever's eyes I guess) appearance". There is actually a difference in male and female bone structure, more prominent in some then others. A nose job is NOT FFS, dearie. Back up a bit. You need to fork out at least another seventeen grand and have the skin on your face peeled back before you can lay claim to FFS fame (I am speaking American prices).

  But why is FFS so popular now?

  "I'm sure you in your infinite wisdom will tell us, Trish."
  Nope. I do have my own ideas, but I am just bringing the subject up is all. A bit of speculation maybe, but I don't feel like a total glutton for punishment today.

  The cost of FFS is absolutely insane. There is one surgeon who is very well known who gives "free" consultations around the "TG" convention circuit etc. who would not let you get up off of his table without denting your pocketbook for at least $20,000 (more often $40,000 to $50,000).

  I put "free" in quotes because to me the consultations are anything but "free". Take somebody like me for instance who is way less then confident in her appearance. All it would take is for this lousy doctor to tell me that I could use a certain procedure or two (or three or four most likely) and BAM!; these flaws would haunt me for life with only one way to exorcise them: $$$. Far from "free" I would say and I would not let this doc within a hundred yards of me. And I bet he and others are banking on just this happening.

  I have been through enough in the last few years to know that everybody has a flaw or two to exploit, and they WILL be exploited in a "free" consultation, to the MAX.

  There are many people out there who have said (and it is their mantra), "My goal is to have FFS before I go full time." I bet they had a "free" consultation. Either that or a friend who had FFS, or maybe they are being influenced by some (in)famous "TG" icon. Or just maybe they just have no self-esteem like yours truly. I mean, think about the following:

  They will need to come up with a minimum of $20,000 to maybe even $50,000 before they will feel confident enough to leave the house and go to the store, the gas station, school, work, ANYWHERE that is life related.

  Bummer.

  I wonder who fuels that fire.

  I will say it again: I wonder who fuels that fire. I wonder just who it is that is putting this idea into peoples heads that they need to spend $40,000 to end up looking like a fraternal twin of the person who was on the table the morning before. Yes, you heard me right me broothas and sistahs. In my ever so humble and constantly sought out opinion, most patients end up looking a lot like each other. Just think, all that money to look like your "sisters in transition".

  On the other rare hand, I have seen some who have had Facial Feminization Surgery that I am completely envious of, not many, a few. But to me, at this time, the results of FFS rarely turn out great enough to sweat over whether it is time to start selling the family pig for. You could argue the same for SRS, but SRS is in your pants and not sitting on top of your neck (unless you have a really amateur surgeon). It is a slightly different animal.

  Twinsee non-related sometimes slightly warped vaginas are not all that bad. Twinsee non-related slightly warped faces are spooky and just wrong.

  And more then a few of these "I must have FFS before I go full time" people have not even started electrolysis (much less anything else). A hairy "girl face". Just what you always wanted. We won't mention the cost of electro (or laser *laugh out loud*) or the cost of anything else on TOP of your FFS. Keep those "free" FFS consultations FAR away from Trish.

  Yep, FFS seems to have taken over as the number one goal for many of those in transition, or perhaps more often then not, those who have not yet even begun transition.

  "Even more important than breasts, Trish?"
  Breasts? Don't be silly. What ARE you thinking.
  "Yes, silly me."
  I don't think some of these folks want to talk to anybody about "gender" until they can do it looking like a WOMAN. They don't really care about having their ducks in a row, they just want them to look like girl ducks, real quick like.
  "Is that some of the 'speculation' you were talking about earlier?"
  Oh yeah, it is. *girlie blush*

  I have in my journeys met several post-operative everything transsexuals; FFS, SRS, breast augmentation, hair whatever it is they do, electrolysis, buttcheeks, EVERYTHING, and much of it done in Beverly Hills. These woman must be GOLD to be able to afford all of that. Trips me out totally.

  Anyway...

  My employer asked me to work today, but I have some responsibilities around the old homestead that need to be taken care of. That and I have hair on my face. This is the week that I grow it out for electrolysis. It has been a month since my last appointment (by design) and I need it. So I didn't go into work. Next time. I have been staying late any time it has been requested. I am thankful for this job. Real thankful. My paychecks are pitiful, but I am working again and I have money for a few necessary and a few not necessary things.

  I cannot believe it has been ten months since I have seen my therapist. Crazy. Soon. He (and seeing him) is still very important to me.

  I am alone here for two weeks as my mom is out of town. Lot's of stuff to keep me busy, but with no friends it does tend to get a little quiet. Today I am taking care of some of the flower and avocado grove watering. Later I think that I'll shower and sneak into town to get gas for my electro trip and deposit my paycheck into the ATM. I have some DVD's to watch and I think it will be naked popcorn and movie night. And no, it's not the popcorn or movie that will be naked. WOO HOO!

  Man it's hot. I love the hot summer nights.

   

  It's hot here at night, lonely, black and quiet
  on a hot summer night.
  Billy Idol

  Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-OUCH! I just went outside to check some water lines and a damn bee stung me on the back of my leg. That makes three times that I have been stung while living here. It hurts. I had to do some gymnastics to get that stinger out of the back of my leg too. DANG that smarts.

  "I bet some would say, 'Karma is a bitch, Trish.'"
  Yep, I bet some would say that and they might just be right. And I told ya, do not cuss.

Wednesday, September 14th, 2005

• Still nothin...

  ...much new to report.

  That bee sting on the back of my leg really swelled up. Two days after I could barely get my pants on over it. It is still healing. I hate bee stings. I hope that's it for this go around.

  I picked up my new bifocals a couple of weeks ago. It's been great not having that eyeglass chain around my neck and being able to keep my glasses on all night at work instead of off and on and off and on. My eyesight just seems to be going downhill.

  I ran across some writings (if you can call them that) of mine the other day. The following was an online diary entry that was intended for a website that I had, how should I put this, right before I started transition, on a "guy" website. One that my friends/co-workers could see before they knew about me/Trish.

  "I pick my son up at school at 3 pm. So last night (or should I say early this morning, after work) when I went to bed, as usual I set my alarm for about 1:30 pm so I could get up in time to check my e-mail and stuff, take a shower, go get him and be on time for work. So today, I woke up not to the alarm, just something. I looked at my watch and it said 3:14 pm. Crap! I'm late! I jumped up, pulled on my skivvies and pants, socks, shoes and shirt and slapped water on my face trying desperately to wake up enough to jump in the car and drive!

  In about two minutes flat I was on my way out the door when I noticed the clock on the wall.... It said not 3:16 pm., but 11:45 am... Damn, that's weird... So I checked my watch again.... Oh shit, it was in stopwatch mode. It was at 3 hours and 14 minutes. Shit. So, I pulled off my pants and skivvies, my socks and shoes, my shirt and got back in bed, almost fully awake now, wondering how in the hell I was going to get back to sleep. Crap. But...sleep I did...

  ....I awoke to something again..... I checked my watch... It said that it was 3:14 pm.... Oh puh-leeeeeze... So I went to switch it out of stopwatch mode and see what time it really was.... SHIT! It was not IN stopwatch mode! It actually WAS 3:14 PM!!! FUCK! So, I jumped up, pulled on my skivvies and pants, socks, shoes and shirt and slapped water on my face trying desperately to wake up enough to jump in the car and drive! In about two minutes flat I was on my way out the door... "

  That was just a slice of my days before divorcing. I had a very hectic schedule working nights and getting my kid to school, back home and here and there during the day. Anyway, those little paragraphs brought back some memories. This was the same time I had started my Trish website too (under a name other than Trish as I was afraid to be found out, like anybody knew who Trish was), making it about six years ago I guess. I had a "dual website" thing goin on.

  "*snore*"

  My son's 18th birthday is coming up and I am going to get that gift for him that fell through (that totally bummed me the hell out) last Christmas. And now some ten months later she's gonna be a done deal. We will be spending his birthday together. This rocks. More on that after the fact, I am sure.

  I am at times lately feeling a little lonely again, wishing that I could spend time with another. This comes and goes as it does with anybody else I suppose. I don't see this being remedied anytime soon; probably never. So I will just continue to wax over it on occasion.

  "Trish, you should probably just 'cut and paste' that last paragraph from time to time. Save yourself some typing."
  Okay.
  "So that's it? You're just going to roll over?"
  I admit it. It's the same old.

  Anyway, like I wrote, nothin much new to report. I go to work, I come home and eat. On the weekends I buy a used DVD or two, make popcorn and watch them and then start the week over again. Nothing much happens in-between that does not happen to anybody else (knock on wood) and that's about it right now. For the time being it's a very nice little schedule.

   

  
  Trish

Monday, September 19th, 2005

• Hey you, ask me...

  ...a question.

  "Me? What?"
  Ask me a question.
  "What kind of a question."
  Any kind, go ahead, ask me.
  "Well, I am honored. Okay."

  "What were you doing when John F. Kennedy was assassinated?"

  Oh that's an easy one. I was in my sister's room trying on her dresses.

  "Really?"
  What, are ya kidding? I was seven. I can't remember what I was doing when I was seven. I don't even have a sister.
  "Oh."
  But it sounded good though, didn't it? Go ahead ask me another. C'mon.
  "Another one, okay."

  "What were you doing when John Lennon was murdered?"

  Well, I don't know what I was doing at the exact moment, but I can tell you what I was doing when I heard the news.
  "I suppose that would work. It's your game."
  Right on, Washington.

  Well, I was just coming back from a group therapy session in Westwood California. There were about six of us in there including a guy who was from outer space, a fiery redheaded girl who could not get enough sex, and a priest who could not keep his hands off of women. Oh yeah, there was a lot of relating going on in there. Uh-huh. Every time I left this group, I felt worse then when I went in, way worse. So anyway...

  It was about 7 pm and I was on my way home from one of these group sessions and as I was crossing the intersection of Pico and Sepulveda (or Suppleveeda as non-natives call it) Boulevards, the news of John's murder came across the airwaves of KLOS 95.5. Right then and there before I even got across the intersection I swore to myself that I would never return to that group therapy, and I never did. It was all just too fuckin much.

  And if Mark David Chapman ever sees as much as one minute of freedom, then there is more wrong with the world then many think there is.

  Hey.
  "What."
  I'm on a roll. Ask me another.

  "Where were you when the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction took place?"
  That's a pretty damn cheesy question.
  "You started it."

  "Where were you when the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction took place?"
  I don't know if I am liking the tone of your voice.
  "The question, answer the question."
  Okaaaay already. Take a pill my man, if indeed you are a man. I think we have yet to establish that.
  "Don't change the subject."

  Okay okay okay. The Wardrobe Malfunction, the Wardrobe Malfunction.

  Hey.
  "What."
  You know what?
  "What."

  I was in The Greenbaum Surgery Center in Scottsdale Arizona recovering from SRS. I wasn't watching the football game, but that's where I was, in Room Four. And for days after it was about nothin but you know who.

   

  It's Janet... Ms. Jackson if you're nasty.
  Janet Jackson

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005

• Two years ago...

  ...today, I quit smoking cigarettes. My motivation to quit was reassignment surgery. My motivation for staying quit is pretty much the price of cigarettes (rabid non and ex-smokers cheer).

  I guess there is not much more to say about it that has not been said by me or somebody else a hundred thousand times. Two years though, man. When you're having fun and all of that.

  Last Tuesday at 9 pm when I was about halfway home from electrolysis, which would make it about ninety miles away from where I am sitting now, there was a kind of close call on the freeway. I was cruising along at about seventy miles an hour when I see the guys car in front of me swerve a little and out from his rear right tire comes an object that looked to be about a foot square in size. It was fast. BAM! It hit my car.

  That scared the life out of me and put a big hole in the windshield. It damaged the car body and there was glass everywhere; all over the car interior AND me. How I didn't get any glass in my eyes still amazes me. I must have closed them when whatever it was hit. Driving the remaining miles home with the wind rushing in at me and glass all over was... spooky. It had me freaked out for a few hours, if not for a day or two. I am thinkin that I hope my days of driving so many miles is going to come to an end before too long.

  In otha news...

  My mom had cooked a turkey and a chicken, then cut all the meat off and put it all in a big bowl. Last night I was using some of it to make a sandwich for dinner and she said to me, "You might want to use the chicken. The turkey came out kind of tough." I told her, "Yeah, it seems a hair tough, but good." She said, "I cooked them both in the same oven and I think that it pissed the turkey off." Heh heh. Oh mom.

  "Don't say it, Trish."
  Don't say what.
  "I'm not going to say."
  Whatever then.

  I am looking forward to my son being here for his birthday. I pick him up on Friday. He will because of school unfortunately be here for only two nights, but I will take them two nights happily.

  "That was a fowl joke."
  What?
  "A f-o-w-l joke. Get it?"
  My son's birthday?
  "No, your mom and the angry turkey."
  What?
  "It's a joke. Turkey? Chicken? Fowl? Your mom's joke?"

  Oh jeez. Moving right along...

  The following is something that I tag onto the tail end of some of my Transition Diary entries, my HRT Statistics. I think it is probably time to get rid of it, or perhaps just change it a bit.

  Trish's Current HRT Statistics (09/27/05):
  Hormone Regiment: 6 mgs estradiol once a day.
  Emotions: Since starting work, I am feeling better. Less (although not eliminated by a long shot) money worries.
  Breasts: Breasts? Although I have a little, breasts are just not going to happen for me. That is the bottom line, forever.
  Hips, Thighs and Bottom: HRT did not change this for me at all.
  Body Hair: HRT got rid of the hair on my upper arms and the hair on my legs is slower to come back. That is all HRT did for me in the Hair department.
  Skin: My skin is doin nothing but getting old. This is about the final statement for HRT and my skin.
  Masturbation and Sexual Desire: Mwa ha HAAAAA. Since reassignment surgery this is no longer an issue. It is FANTASTIC. My libido is much more calm (thank you SO much) and there is no longer any shame attached to my sexual life (such as it is). No need to have this here anymore. I may change it to something like "Sexual Relations" with the hope that someday I will have something to write about.
  Trish Bottom Line: Off the top of my head, things right now are okay. I am enjoying some of life now. Would I still rather have not been born? Yep. I still wish I would have never been born.

  Yeah, there are a few headings in there that I want to delete and I have an idea or two for additions, stuff that is more relevant to my life right now. I have been doing Hormone Replacement Therapy since June 16th of the year 2000, over five years. Anything that HRT was going to do for me it has already done or is not going to do. The "Current HRT Statistics" is no longer warranted. Time for some changes. Maybe I will change it from "Current HRT Statistics" to "Current Transitional Issues". I dunno. I will work on it.

  I went to another all day training class for work this past week. These classes are offsite and I have another one scheduled for October. Let me tell you, these are good experiences for me. I meet many people and speak in front of all of them. It is going well (as far as I can tell).

  I am becoming more comfortable with my job role, although I still have a way to go before I am up to par. I have never had a job like this. It requires a totally different mindset then the one required for any job I have ever held... At times I am really enjoying this. Maybe I am enjoying just being employed, period.

  I like it when some people (and you know who you are) finally give it up and realize that with me around, there is no hope for them to ever be with Johnny Depp and move on to worship somebody other then my husband.

  It just makes good sense and will save them a lot of pain in the long run.

  You see? I really do care about people.

   

  ...anyway.
  Trish

Tuesday, October 18th, 2005

• Let's...

  ...see. Let's see let's see let's see.

  My son was here for his birthday and yeah, it was great. The present (that fell through last Christmas) finally happened and he loves it. We spent the majority of the day together just he and I doing the town before coming home to the rest of the family (his mom and her girlfriend spent the weekend with us as well) and the evening's birthday festivities. One of the places that we visited while we were out was a "Halloween Superstore". We both love Halloween so this hit the spot. Anyway, it was a great day.

  I won't be seeing my son on Halloween this year, which sucks... bigtime. Nothing I can do about stuff like that anymore. Ancient news. So I have a Halloween all planned out for my mom and I. Just an "F off" day. Sometimes you just have to make big events out of small things. We are going to visit my dentist's office where all of the staff will be doing the costume thing. And knowing them they will probably have the office all done up spooky too. They rock. We might kick around town a bit afterward to see if we can scare up some blood and gore. Then it will be home for After the Sun Goes Down Scary Movie and Munchie Night.

  Last year we watched SCREAM so this year I think we'll follow it up with SCREAM 2 and 3, after of course, a brief refresher course in SCREAM 1. If we have time, we'll watch Halloween.

  Oh, and I usually put a strobe light in my bedroom just flickering away for the frightened world to see. So on Halloween night, if you are looking a-waaaaaaay up in the mountains and see a flickering light about one third the size of a pinhead, you will know who it is.

  "What is the point of that, Trish.?"
  Like I said before, occasionally you just have to make an event out of small things. Sometimes, more then anything else, it is about making memories.

  Let's see let's see let's see.

  Mom and I recently visited some friends that have been in our lives since I was about six months old. Originally the family consisted of grandmother, grandfather, their daughter and son-in -law and their daughter. Well, the only two of the family that is left is the daughter and her mom, and mom is now in a nursing home and is very frail.

  This family was a huge part of my everyday life up until I was about eleven years old and to some extent beyond that. They were all about suburbia and I am sure they helped to form what in my mind what life was/is all about. They had a home in suburban Santa Monica. A pool, a rumpus room and a two car garage. She baked cakes and taught swimming for a living (between her and growing up on the beach in Santa Monica I was swimming like a fish when I was four or five). Dad was a postman. Grandfather was retired from the motion picture studios. Grandmother was a homemaker (if I remember right). The daughter was on the school's swim team. Both grandmother and daughter's mom made and painted many many many beautiful dishes, cups and etc etc etc. Pieces of art.

  This is a little butterfly dish made by my friends that is among a few of the pieces that were recently given to mom and I. This dish was probably made about forty to forty-five years ago.

  Those days were a time for me of drive-in movies, The Mickey Mouse Club and Disneyland. Peanut butter, jelly, potato chips in paper bags, lemonade. Silly Putty, Frisbees and John Glenn. Air raid drills, swimming and elementary school and friends and dad and mom.

  In 1963, when I was seven, the daughter married a guy who we think looked a whole lot like Bobby Darin. They were young, eighteen and nineteen. The wedding was really nice and like everything else, total suburbia. About 200 guests at a beautiful neighborhood church, reception by the pool, and cake cutting in the Hawaiian themed rumpus room.

  And yours truly was the ring bearer.

  On our visit, we looked through photo albums of the wedding and there I am, in a little white tuxedo. I put a hole in the pants of my rented tux that day (and my dad was PISSED). There are pictures of my mom too. The whole place looked like a Kennedy affair. Camelot in Santa Monica. My dad as usual did not have the courtesy to show up. Too cool for high school I guess.

  Anyway, seeing daughter's mom in the nursing home in what are probably (damn) her last days has not totally caught up with me emotionally yet. It caught up with my mom just a little so far, but I am still standing by.

  It was a wonderful visit, a nice day and we are going to do it again, hopefully soon. As a matter of fact, I was supposed to see them this past Sunday for a little birthday gathering, but I was called into a mandatory meeting at work and had to miss it.

  ...and speakin of woik.

  Work is going okay. I am getting more and more into the groove. It feels so good to be coming home tired now. At night I just fall into bed and in about two minutes I am asleep. I am loving this period of less worries. I am going to appreciate them for as long as I can, because with the size of my paycheck, there are more sleepless nights around the corner. That is not pessimism, that is the way it is.

  But I am enjoying my job more and more. It is good to be out there, with people And I like being able to exclaim, "I'm a TAXpayer, God damn-it!"

  That is all that is really happening with me.

  Oh, one more little thing:

  "I am at times lately feeling a little lonely again, wishing that I could spend time with another. This comes and goes as it does with anybody else I suppose. I don't see this being remedied anytime soon; probably never. So I will just continue to wax over it on occasion."

  "Nice 'cut and paste' job there, Trish."
  Yeah, thanks. I took your advice, only ya know what?
  "What."
  Double the intensity of that paragraph for this last week or so.
  "Really?"
  Yeah, it gets kind of extreme at times.
  "Awwww. Poor Trish."

  Oh, and ya know what else?
  "What's that, Trish?"
  What's what.
  "What's THAT, what you said."
  I said?
  "Yes, you said, 'You know what else'?"
  Yeah, I said that.

   

  ...once again, anyway.
  Trish

  "Well WHAT Trish??? WHAT ELSE?"
  Oh yeah.

  Well, by my best calculations, you know what?
  "Oh just OUT with it already."

  This was my son's eighteenth birthday. Sooooooooo, this means that I have not had sex in... let's see...

  "Almost nineteen years, Trish."
  Almost nineteen years what.
  "You have NOT HAD SEX in almost NINETEEN YEARS!"
  Holy crap. Not so loud, jefe.
  "Not so loud? Doesn't matter. You are going to address it right here soon anyway."
  True, true. But still...

Friday, October 21st, 2005

• The first...

  ...object to hit our car (while I was driving) was a golf ball. It took the car's logo off the front of the grill. The second object to hit our car (while I was driving) was I don't know what and it put a two and a half inch hole in the front parking light. The third object to hit our car (while I was driving) that put a big hole in the windshield and damaged the frame, I wrote about on Tuesday, September 27th.

  And now, not more then a week after we finally got the last of that one repaired (it required several different procedures on several different ocassions), another object of some kind hit my windshield while I was driving (me, driving) home from work the night before last. There is now a nine inch crack in the windshield.

  This is getting to be a bit spooky.

   

  Crack, baby, crack...
  David Bowie

Wednesday, November 1st, 2005

• I didn't realize...

  ...that when I came out on the other side of transition that I was going to look so much older.

  I went from being mid thirties to being late fifties. Oh well, such is life in the land of What The Fuck Else Can Happen.

   

  All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.
  Norma Desmond

Saturday, November 19th, 2005

• I gotta write about...

  ...a few things. I just don't have time tonight.

  So for now, a quick joke:

  Knock knock.
  "Who's there, Trish."
  My social life.

   

  Hello! Hooray! Let the show begin, I've been ready.
  Hello! Hooray! Let the lights grow dim, I've been ready.
  Alice Cooper

Saturday, December 3rd, 2005

• Hi...

  ...lights, if you can call them that.

  I went in for a teeth cleaning a week or two back. I have a small cavity forming in a tooth that needs a cap (or something like that) and I need something else fixed too (I don't remember just what it is). I can't afford any procedures, so for now I'll just keep a'flossin and a'brushin and a'hopin for the best.

  Regarding my back that is ever, and I mean ever present in my mind: I saw the chiropractor for the last time and I will be submitting the paperwork to the insurance company of the person that rear-ended me on the freeway June before last in hopes that I will be reimbursed financially. *takes a breath* There is nothing else that can be done that is within my budget. I realized some time back that I was just going to have to live with the pain now, and that is what I am fuckin-A doing.

  I have learned a few techniques that lessen the pain a bit, at least for an hour or two at a time, but at the end of the day it's a bear. Back pain is what I wake up to, and back pain what I kiss goodnight.

  I have not walked for fitness in quite a while now. When you combine these two truths: A) finding the time to do it is not as easy these days and B) I am not always motivated, I guess we know why I have not walked for fitness in quite a while now. I am up about 5 pounds in weight making me (still) 6 feet tall and 150 pounds. I am an oinker just waiting to happen, as always.

  My son was not with me/us for Thanksgiving for the first time ever. I worked every day but Thanksgiving Day and it would've not been worth it for him to be here. That sucks, but hey, I have a job. I've been working some overtime, and I've also been getting into all the little activities they have there. I am doing my best to be a part of the place, and take part in everything. People from one end of the place to the other know me by name. I attribute that to the effort that I have made to be outgoing, to get to know people, to put my best foot forward and just be a part of it all. And there are a lot of really nice folks there.

  Hopefully my son will be here for Christmas as I won't be required to work Christmas day and my days off for that week will fall on the days after. If he is not here, I know that I will be able to go to where he is to spend time with him. So either way we will be together for at least a short time. Not seeing him on Christmas Day would screw with my head a bit.

  I am making this entry at 12:30 A.M. on Saturday morning and I am not in the best of moods. I'm having a fat day, among other things. It is also the week to let hair grow out for electrolysis and I am SO damn tired of electrolysis. I should be finished by now but I'm a freak.

  I am also a little frustrated that I don't have bigger and better things to write about here, but I just don't. Everything for right now is pretty mundane and dare I say it? Normal. Pretty boring. I know it won't last so I should enjoy it while I can.

  I have really been feeling old and I'm not used to that. I don't like looking at people that I consider to be peers only to find out that they are 30 years old and looking at me like I am a senior citizen. That just totally makes me feel out of place. I'm too old for them and too young for coffee shop discounts. But whatever I guess, I mean I look really old now too. It is bizarre.

  I'm now officially envious of young people and to know that I am stuck in this old body (even though semi-recently improved in one aspect) is claustrophobic. And to add insult to injury, in just over a month I will be "celebrating" THEE birthday.

  I don't even try to see the computer screen without my glasses nowadays.

  I don't have enough time tonight to write about the sex that I have not had in 19 years. That is a for sure upcoming entry.

  I need a therapy injection. I have not seen my therapist in over a year now.

   

  Youth is wasted on the young.
  George Bernard Shaw

Thursday, December 29th, 2005

• Sometimes I am...

  ...hesitant to update my Transition Diary simply because I am afraid that I will leave things out, like today I know that I will. I have no time to make sure that everything I want to include......... will be included, and I am in a fog.

  AAAY: Christmas was great. My son was here for the two days before and the two days following. I worked up to and on Christmas Eve so we weren't able to spend time together until Christmas Day and after. His mother (my ex-wife) was also here for Christmas Day and the two days following. I am not sure why this has worked out the way it has between her and I, but I am very thankful that we are still able to spend time together as a semi-family. In a way, we still are family. I still care about that darn girl's well being and would be there for her in a heart beat, although I have no idea just why that is.

  Anyway...

  BEE: We kept our tradition alive of going to the movies on Christmas Day. This year we saw Harry Potter and the Copper Cup of Something Er Other. I am not a big Harry fan. Harry Callahan YES, Harry Potter no. I am not a big hairy fan either, for the most part. I digress. I wanted to see King Kong (even though I am not a big hairy fan, for the most part) but was majorly outvoted. But Harry of the Potter variety was enjoyable and we had fun. And now that I have a job I was able to buy a HUGE ASS TUB of popcorn. That is what makes a movie a movie.

  CEE: It felt absolutely fantastic to have a job and to be able to buy gifts for my family and friends this year.

  DEE: On Christmas Eve, at work, I became sick with that thing that is going around. I literally could not talk for Christmas and the day after. I am still sick as a doe-gee. I worked last night and I am trying not to take any sicktime. I have put in days of overtime for others that have called in sick and I want the extra pay to count. If I call in sick, it evens out and I am no further ahead then I was before. Plus, it just plain looks good to not miss any days, period.

  EEE: My son and I had been talking forever about watching that movie "Shaun of the Dead". So the night after Christmas we got all of our movie watching stuff ready, popped in the DVD, I sipped some Thera Flu® and promptly fell asleep. I never saw more then ten minutes of the movie.

  EF: I received a Service Award at work, and I have another on the way.

  GEE: I have gone through one thousand and five hundred cough drops.

  AICH: I received a really nice Christmas card from my therapist. He wants me to come see him, just to visit and catch up. I of course want this also and I am really going to make an effort to make it happen. As a matter of fact, I would like to see him at least once a month. I will work on this.

  EYE: I had to write something here even though nothing much is going on. My brain is not functioning today anyway.

  JAY: I am going to be off of work, alone and sick on New Years Eve, which sucks. It really does. Maybe I will watch "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl" again and fantasize that I am the sheath for Captain Jack's cutlass. I dunno. I will probably just end up being his compass or something.

  Now then...

   

  ...bring me that horizon.
  Capt. Trish

Saturday, December 31st, 2005

• Well, let's...

  ...see here. It is the early morning hours of the last day of 2005. I arrived home from work an hour or two ago, still sick as a dog but not feeling all that terrible when I remembered, "Hey, I want to answer those 'end of the year' questions like I did at the end of 2004. This would be a good time." And so here I am.

  "And here I am too, Trish."
  Oh hey, hey.
  "Hey."

  So without further ado, let's ado it.

  ~ A Year in Review: 2005 ~

  What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
  Well, I sought out and found employment as a female in a mainstream job. I have also tried my best to be a part of all the company activities, activities that in all other positions I have held I would have "poo-poo'ed' at as being fake and just so much "carrot on a string" stuff. This company seems to be different and I am really enjoying being a part of it all. I smile at everybody and try my best to never appear to be anything but positive and a team player. I suspect that anybody who has worked with me in the past would find the way I am now difficult to fathom. I think this is all because I am now happier in my skin, AND, I am so damn overjoyed just to have a job.

  Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
  Same answer as last year: I never make New Year resolutions. For me it's bad luck. If I need to do something, I don't usually wait for a date. I do it when the time feels right. That is what usually works for me.

  Did anyone close to you give birth?
  This year? No, not that I can remember.

  Did anyone close to you die?
  Yes. I will leave it at that.

  What countries did you visit?
  I work for minimum wage. Make that "counties" and we might have something to talk about.

  What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
  Some closeness. To be touched. To touch. A day and night date at Disneyland, laughing, gazing at one another and holding hands. Security.

  What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
  My son's birthday when I was finally able to give him the gift that fell through on Christmas of 2004. Also November 5th, one of the most hectic days I have ever had in my employed life.

  What was your biggest achievement of the year?
  Gaining employment.

  What was your biggest failure?
  The type of employment I gained. Let's just say that my working life fell.......... flat. I never dreamed it would turn out this way. I had always worked myself up the ladder, and now, Bottom Rung City. WAY bottom.

  Oh Hell, now I'm getting depressed.
  "Attitude, Trish. Attitude."
  Ahem, yes. You're right. Chin up. Cheerio.

  Did you suffer illness or injury?
  My back still bothers me a lot, from being rear ended on the freeway June before last. I have learned to deal with the pain the best I can. It could be worse I'm sure.

  What was the best thing you bought?
  The aforementioned gift for my son. My bifocals (oh my GOD I am getting old). One of the best things I plan on buying in 2006 is a GD kick ASS penetrating vibrator. One that travels well with all the bells and whistles boy.

  Whose behavior merited celebration?
  Again this year, my son. He just never gives up. He has faced hardships, some brought on by himself and some brought on by others, but he just keeps on whooping butt. He is the best. My mom. What can I say. And in a small part, mine. I am still not smoking after two years and some odd months. I celebrated 9 years sobriety in June, and I beat feet on the concrete until I found work. Also my electrologist who faced her own battles this year and never ever gave up. My therapist who although I never saw, offered to see me for free on more then one occasion. They don't come any better then that.

  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
  People who hurt children. Suicide bombers. People who think that taking my firearms away (FAT CHANCE BUDDY BOY) would make the world a "nicer, sweeter, safer" place to live in.

  Where did most of your money go?
  Electrolysis, cell phone, Internet connection, Christmas, DVD's, credit card bill. Other then that? WHAT money.

  What did you get really, really, really excited about?
  Having some money on a regular basis again. Self-respect. Meeting people at work. The possiblilty of sexual relations (not related to work).

  What song will always remind you of 2005?
  "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" by Jet:
  "One, Two, Three,
  Take my hand and come with me,
  Because you look so fine,
  That I really want to make you mine.
  Said you look so fine,
  That I really want to make you mine.

  Four, Five, Six,
  Come on and get you're kicks,
  now you don't need money when you look like that,
  do you honey."

  Compared to this time last year, are you:
  A) Happier or sadder? Happier, financially. It's kind of fun to be able to have a few dollars in my pocketbook again. I would say I am about as happy as I can be right now for a person who is in my position. *shrug*
  B) Thinner or fatter? I have gained weight since quitting smoking and having more money to buy fast foods. I am not pleased, again.
  C) Richer or poorer? Richer? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Let's just say, I can buy popcorn at the movies now. BUT, somebody else still has to pay for my movie ticket.

  What do you wish you'd done more of?
  Same as last year: Spent more time with my son. I just can't really think of anything else right now. There are things that I wished I could have done more of, but they cost moola moola and so I guess they don't count as I don't have the moola moola. Theater, ballet, movies, Disneyland, gallery openings, gigolos, you know, just the norm. Oh, and I wish I would have done more walking, for fitness. I slacked. It's been difficult to work into my schedule. Yeah, that's it, my schedule.

  What do you wish you'd done less of?
  Being too tired at bedtime to masturbate.

  How will you be spending Christmas?
  Same as last year: At this point, that is pretty far off, but I would hope to spend it as I always have; with my son and my mom. Anything we do on Christmas is good as long as I am with these people.

  Bikinis, granny panties or thongs in 2005?
  Here we go straying off the beaten path again. This is not one of the normal questions.
  "I'm just having a little fun again, stirring the pot."
  Well once again that question is wholly inappropriate.
  "Well once again, Okaaaay, alright already."
  But as long as you asked, all of the above.

  Did you fall in love in 2005?
  I still love Clint Eastwood and JOHNNY DEPP (my fantasy husband). If John showed up at my door I swear to the good Lord above I would just stand there and weep and then melt into a puddle at his feet.
  "Oh that's good, Trish. I am sure he has never experienced anything like THAT before, by anybody over fourteen years of age."
  I can't help it.

  But in real life, did you fall in love in 2005?
  I think just lust. With both a male, and a female. Well, okay, two males and two females. Not gonna say who.

  How many one-night stands?
  Da numba zero be comin to da forefront ubma noggin.

  What was your favorite TV program?
  Oh without a doubt, nanosecond decision here, same as last year: American Dreams, the television show that the National Broadcasting Company saw fit in their infinite asininity to cancel. My next favorite show is Desperate Housewives, followed by Boston Legal and lately Boy Meets World.

  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
  No, I still hate the same folks.

  What was the best book you read?
  My Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. Always a good read and always with me.

  What was your greatest musical discovery?
  I've not been that turned on to any new music this year. But I do like "United States Of Whatever" by Liam Lynch, some Mindless Self Indulgence, some Gorillaz, and as always, I hope God sees fit to somehow pipe Enya in while I am dying. I will never tire of Enya, ANY Enya.

  What did you want and get?
  My son's acceptance of Trish-Marie. ALL of Trish-Marie. From head to toe of Trish-Marie. A job. A DVD player.

  What did you want and not get?
  I kind of wanted my dad to want to see me. That's pretty stupid, but it's a fantasy I have. And same as last year, I also wanted to have my birth certificate changed to reflect my transition. I (again) have to work on that in 2006. I also wanted to know why a friend of mine has chosen to let our relationship go, I didn't get an answer to that.

  What was your favorite film of this year?
  Again, I don't see that many. Lemmie think on that one.
  "Okay."

  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
  My birthday is not for another six days. I will be working so I imagine I will be doing nothing. That's okay. I don't want this one.

  I will be turning eighteen.

  What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
  Health insurance.

  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
  Boring. Jeans, tennis shoes and Liz Claiborne tops out of work. Slacks, flats and some sort of top at work. Most of the time? Sweat pants, a night shirt, slip on tennis shoes and a hooded zip up sweatshirt.

  What kept you sane?
  Getting back some self-respect. Finding out that I would not have panic attacks at work. My son. My mom. My electro person.

  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
  Hel-lo-oh. Knock knock. Anybody home? Man, are YOU thick. Let me ask YOU a question.
  "Okay. Shoot."
  Do you ever pay attention to what I write?
  "Truthfully?"
  But of course.
  "Yes, yes I do."
  Then attention this: JOHNNY FREAKIN DEPP.
  "Note to self: Johnny Freakin Depp."

  What political issue stirred you the most?
  The stupid Katrina aftermath. What a pile of horse manure. I dropped more then a few of my hard earned dollars into a Katrina fund. It takes quite a bit for me to give my money away, but I felt it was time for America to pull together and help the folks that needed it. Now I am almost sorry I gave my money away after all the bullshit that came down. My cash probably went to somebody who is now out in this part of the country taking the medical benefits that *I* cannot get for myself and they are probably bitching and moaning that they cannot eat steak every night to boot. If I could get my money back and instead buy a bicycle for a kid who doesn't have one, I would gladly do it.

  Who did you miss?
  Same as last year: Julie. And for the first time in a long time, my dad ("Another day's useless energy spent" as The Moody Blues would say).

  Who was the best new person you met?
  Some of the people at work. I don't like to name names because they are each of them special in their own way. I am anxious to someday see my friend Colleen again, a person I have known since I was about 12 or 13 and have not seen in years. She is a blessing in my life. I would like to see my cousin Jolene again someday.

  What was your favorite film of this year? Did you think of one yet?
  Okay, let's see. I went to the movies maybe three times, I didn't rent any new movies save for Open Water which was okay.. I guess just nothing comes to my mind. I wanted to see King Kong but it didn't work out. No favorite films. I am waiting for the second Pirates of the Caribbean to come out in July of this year. THEN I will have a favorite movie to be certain.

  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
  I don't know if it is a "life lesson" or just a "growing older" lesson. But here it is, Lesson Number One: Without fail, love those around you and let them KNOW it everyday as if there will be no tomorrow. Lesson Number Two: Treat everybody, regardless of job position held, with respect and dignity.

  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
  I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore,
  and I know too much to go back an' pretend.
  I am strong.
  I am invincible.
  I am woman.

  "Wait wait wait, you're kidding, right Trish?"
  HAHAHAHAHA! Ya think??? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

  Okay, so quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
  Now that she's back in the atmosphere, with drops of Jupiter in her hair.
  Eah, eah, eah.
  She acts like summer and walks like rain, reminds me that there's time to change.
  Eah, eah, eah.
  But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
  Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day,
  and head back to the Milky Way.

  "Drops of Jupiter" by Train

   

  We will open the book. Its pages are blank.
  We are going to put words on them ourselves.
  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.
  Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Sunday, January 8th, 2006

• Happy New...

  ...Year and all that. Yep. New Year's Eve went just about as I expected it to. I spent it in the company of some chips, salsa, guacamole, the movies "The Craft", "Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan" and the cold I came down with on Christmas Eve. It was okay. No, it sucked. But it could've been worse. But then again it could've been better, so it sucked, but not that sucked, as it really could've been worse. The guacamole was good. So were the movies. Okay, so being alone was what sucked.

  My birthday came and went very quietly thank goodness. A non-event. I got up, I went to work, I came home, I went to sleep. Thirty didn't bother me. Forty pretty much bothered me. THIS one? I cannot even bring myself to type the letters or numbers. When I read a news story, or a posting on the Internet or anything where a person states that they are the age that I am now, I think,

  "Oh, an old person."

  Holy shit.

  That is all I can say. Holy shit. Maybe with time I will forget about it a bit. I am not that fuckin old. I think one of the worst parts of this is that I would not want to date a person my age. That leaves me out. Yeah, my birthday... Too old to ever be hip again and too young for Denny's coffee shop senior discounts. I can't talk about it anymore.

  I need to start living. I wonder when that is going to happen.

  I have an endocrinologist appointment coming up on the 23rd of this month. I think I might try to make an appointment with my therapist on that day as they are in the same neighborhood and a LONG way away from here. That would be good. It has now been about fifteen months since I have seen my therapist.

  Speaking of my endo, I just refilled my estradiol prescription. $32 for a three month supply. How rock and roll is that? Three months for $32. I remember when I was needing a lot of Premarin and spironolactone and I was trying to pay for them at like $200 or $300 every month or two or some crazy shit like at dare. I am pretty happy in the Department of Hormone Replacement Therapy.

  I want to "knock on wood" regarding that last paragraph, but I have knocked on wood so much that it was getting to the point where my knuckles were getting raw. Not a good way to live. So on Tuesday November 1st of last year, I told myself, "No more knocking on wood. It is getting to be a bit too much." So I am letting fate take over. No more wood knocking. Yes, I am a little scared. No kidding.

  "What about the 'no sex in 19 years' entry, Trish? THAT one I want to READ."
  I'm workin on it.

  I am still not rid of this cold. I am coughin all over the place and going through cough drops like they are, well, cough drops you use when you cough all over the place. My tongue is starting to look like rock candy. It's disgusting.

  No no, I kid. I brush my tongue. Hmmmm... I was never taught to brush my tongue when I was a youngster. I wonder if brushing your tongue is a new age kind of politically correct thing to do now. Or just maybe, the adults around me wanted to see my tongue drop off or something. Kind of a cruel experiment on little Trish. Oh well, I do it now.

  As I was driving home from work last night I was thinkin; there's this movie that I've been hearing about. It's called "Transamerica" starring an actress named Felicity Huffman. I have done no research into the movie. I have not heard anything about it other then it is supposedly about some "transsexual" saving for "reassignment surgery" and all the aches and pains associated with that. It is getting a lot of attention in the showbiz community as they are saying that it might be Oscar® (the annual award for artistic and technical achievement given by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) worthy as Best Picture® and/or Best Actress®. That's all I know of "Transamerica".

  With that said, I was thinkin; do I maybe want to go see this movie when it comes around? I just don't know. I am pretty sure that I would be "read" as "transsexual" in the theater as I bet "we" would be expected to be in attendance. I bet there will be a quite a few interested "transsexuals" in the audiences of "Transamerica" showings and many of "us" are not that difficult to spot. An afternoon or evening of being "read" is not that thrilling of a prospect.

  I am pretty cynical too.

  "Naw Trish. No way."
  Yeah, I am.

  As with many other of these types of shows, I can already hear myself leaning over to the person I am with (assuming that anybody would go with me) and saying, "That is SUCH BULLSHIT. THAT doesn't happen like that. That is just so much shit. I LIVE this shit and it doesn't happen like that." To which the person I am with would (I am sure) reply, "It's just a movie. Shuddup and eat yer popcorn."

  I realize that there are many paths in transition, but this shit DON'T HAPPEN LIKE THAT and I don't want the layperson thinkin it DOES. Damn gay "transsexual" movies anyway...

  ...anyway.

  There is another possibility, and this is a rarity, I mean a "you see a huge movie star in a Sizzler® Steak House" type of rarity. It happens, but not that often. And that rarity is: I can actually relate to what is going on in this type of movie. That's a totally different animal and is pretty weird. During a movie about "transsexuality" and "transition" that I can actually relate to, I'm kind of like, "Damn I know exactly what you are feeling. DAMN. I cannot believe that somebody else has SO PEGGED my feelings and emotions. Somebody else knows what I have been going though. Thank GOD."

  I get all weepy and shit.

  Instead of wanting to hide the fact that I have been through all of this, originally afraid of being "read" in the theater and everybody knowing that I am one of "them", it is almost like I want everybody to know that "Hey, I am ONE of those folks, I have been through all of the shit you've been watching and I am so far successfully coming out the other side. I am ONE of them and I ROCK! HOO-RAH!"

  "You would WANT that, Trish? To have everybody know?"
  No uh-uh. HELL no. I am just trying to communicate an emotion.

  If I am able to relate to a movie like this, there is another aspect that is the worst of all, the worst of ALL. And that is relating to it so much that it is absolutely and TOTALLY PAINFUL to watch. Painful to watch where I "came from". It is like seeing pictures of myself that I don't want to see, videos of myself that I don't want to watch or hearing audio tapes from the past that I don't want to hear. And everybody is there looking, watching and hearing right along with me, knowing that this is where I came from, no longer seeing just a woman, but the silhouette of my past as well.

  Ohyeahthereisoneotherthingthatismessedupandthatisifoncetheyhavetransitionedtheylookwaymoreattractive
  orjustgenerallyalotbetterthenIdowhichtheyALWAYSdoTHATbumsmeout.

  So, relate or heckle cynically? Either way it doesn't sound too appealing. I have found that this is the way it is with many issues, things, the further into transition I go. I tend to for one reason or another start to leave things behind. I just don't need them to remind me, or hurt me. Many who are not in this position can't understand this, and I can understand that. You just gotta be here. I doubt I will see the movie. But still...

  There is one movie that I have seen many many many times. It is actually more of a documentary than a movie. I have probably mentioned it before. It is called "Metamorphosis: Man Into Woman". It follows over a three year period the transition of 36 year old "Gary" into "Gabi". I recorded onto VHS this documentary (narrated by Lee Grant) from Public Broadcasting on a show called P.O.V. some fifteen or sixteen years ago. It was a time WAY before I ever thought I would be doing (or COULD be doing) what I am doing with my life now.

  It was at a time that I thought I would be dying in the house that I was living in and owned. It was at a time when I thought I was married for life. It was at a time when I thought that I would retire with the company that I was working for and had been working with for the majority of my life. At that time I looked at Gabi with admiration, and with jealousy. I didn't think that I would ever be doing with my life, what Gabi was doing with hers. Even if it were possible, I never thought that I would have the nerve to do with my life what Gabi was doing with hers. Gabi was and is a personal hero of mine. "Metamorphosis" is about the only show of it's kind that I can watch over and over. Some of it can be a little uncomfortable to watch, but I feel a connection to Gabi, I guess because she was the first to show me the way.

  Hey, I would rather that my life was not like this, that I WAS going to die in that house and that I WAS still married for life and that I WAS retiring with that company, but I'm not and I'm not and I'm not. So here I am and here I am and here I am. Big time digression. I ramble.

  "So Trish, may I summarize?"
  By all means, give it your best shot.
  "Thank you. In summation then, 'transsexual' movies are weird in a way, or not weird in a way which makes them all that much more weird to watch, youhatewhentheylookbetter
  thenyouwhichtheyalwaysdo, Gabi is a personal hero to you, you felt that once again you should add the disclaimer that you would rather have never had to do with your life what you have done with it and you are real old now."
  Yeah, okay, I guess that covers it. Good show.

   

  Travis: Where are you going?
  Betsy: I'm leaving.
  Travis: What do you mean?
  Betsy: These are not the kind of movies I go to.
  Paul Schrader

Saturday, January 28th, 2006

• This cold...

  ...that I have will not go away. On Wednesday it came back yet again and took my voice away so I was forced to call in sick to work. My first sick day. I wanted to go at least a year with no sick days but I guess it wasn't gonna happen that way. I will have to settle with seven months and hopefully only one sick day in a year. My voice came back late that night so I have not missed any more days.

  Once again I don't have much time for an entry as I just got home from work, it is late, and I must be back there tomorrow early for a day of overtime.

  Quickly though, I want to write in my Transition Diary that in one hour I "celebrate" the second anniversary of my GRS or SRS or once again, whatever you want to call it. That means that two years ago tonight I was in a motel with my mom doing the surgery prep and trying to get a few hours sleep. My poor mom. It has taken me this long to realize just what in the heck she must have been going through. As I have written before, I was in space, but still, to me it was like, "Hey, it's no big deal. Let's do this."

  But when I put attempt to put myself in my mom's shoes.... Let's just say that if my son felt he needed to do what I have done? That would really suck.

   

  After midnight...
  J.J. Cale

Sunday, January 29th, 2006

• 10:30 PM - WOO...

  ...HOO!!

  Happy Anniversary Trish!

  Heh heh.

   

  Ooooo Happy Anniversary, Happy Anniversary,
  Happy Anniversary, Haaappy Anniversary.
  Fred & Wilma Flintstone
  (Hanna-Barbera)

Friday, February 3rd, 2006

• Insult...

  ...to injury.

  Two days ago at work I was informed that a person I had done a small (very small unfortunately) amount of business with had called and wanted to do a bit more. This was good news. So I called them back but the line was busy. It was busy during my entire work day, so the next day I tried again. This time I was able to leave a message on their machine, but nobody ever called me back. I tried again today and finally got a live body on the phone.

  "Hi, this is Trish Blah Blah Blah Blah calling from Blah Widgets. May I speak to Mrs. Blah Blah? She wished for a few more Blah Widgets?", I says. "I am Mr. Blah Blah and we decided against it." he replies. Damn, I think to myself. Well that is that. A very small amount of business will stay a very small amount of business. So I says, "Well thank you then. If you change your mind or I can do anything else for you, please call or come and see me, okay?" to which he says........

  "Yessir."

  No more Blah Widgets needed was the injury part, "yessir" was the insult.

  I started to really let being "sir'd" on the phone bother me until I stopped and thought about it. I am lucky that this doesn't happen all the time. For some reason, it doesn't.

  So I counted my blessings and moved on.

   

  Yes sir, that's my baby...
  Gus Kahn

Friday, February 10th, 2006

• Oh, c'mon...

  ...now. Cut the upcoming Valentine's Day some slack. To me Valentine's Day represents the hope that maybe, just MAYBE somebody will surprise me with something. That is the fun of it. And if I am not lavishly adorned with adoration and gifts? Well... it was just another day.

  Of course, I am used to nothing happening on Valentine's Day, so perhaps it is my personal history that has prepared me for the inevitable.

  Oh well, pretend I never said anything.

   

  Shoot that poison arrow to my heart.
  Shoot that poison arrow.
  ABC

Friday, March 3rd, 2006

• I note...

  ...that the movie Transamerica...

  I interrupt this entry to bring you a brief synopsis of the movie Transamerica: Bree (Felicity Huffman) is days away from a dream she has focused on for years - the completion of her gender reassignment surgery. Her plans come to a grinding halt when she receives a call from New York and discovers she has a son, and that he has been picked up by the police. Bree's closest friend and therapist, Margaret (Elizabeth Peņa) tells Bree she has to deal with her past before she can move into her future.

  ...never played anywhere at any theater in the area or surrounding areas where I live. I never saw it advertised in any newspaper or anywhere online.

  I suppose nobody around here is interested in transsexuality. Not interested in transsexuality? NOT INTERESTED IN TRANSSEXUALITY???

  Go figure.

  I have updates, I just don't have time......... today.

   

  Originator of
  The Swish® Standards of Care
  Trish

Friday, March 4th, 2006

• Professional transsexuals...

  ...drive me up the fucking WALLS. Take a hike already. Who do you think you are?? Sigmund Freud???

  You should learn to keep your damaging amateur pseudo psychologist garbage to yourselves. Most of the loudmouth frauds spouting this crap are still for the most part in the closet and have no idea what in the hell they're talking about, but they play a good game and the beginners listen.

  Buncha shit. I guess it will never end in the Land of Celebrity "Transsexuals". They will insist there is no hierarchy but being at the top of it is what they live for.

  The louder they are, the more they talk, the less you should listen. If you find yourself trying to "keep up" with "transsexuals" on the Internet or in the Tranny Club at your local support group, you better stop and check yerself, before you wreck yerself.

   

  You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you.
  Don't you? Don't you?
  Carly Simon

Thursday, March 9th, 2006

• I have been...

  ...experiencing a few health problems over the last couple of weeks that have been freaking me out. Probably that Karma thing rearing its ugly head again. Anyway, I am not going to write about them until they are either cleared up, or do me in.

  "How on earth are you going to write about them if they 'do you in', Trish?"
  True, true. Whatever then.

  I just wanted to log it in my Transition Diary because it has been exactly NO fun. I am the ol' paranoid glass is half empty person...

  "As we know."

  ...as you know and so.. well, not fun days. I am just trying to figure out how to see a doctor as an uninsured person. I do have one plan, but it involves sneaking over the Mexican border and back again. Kind of inconvenient.

  I woke up really early Monday (the middle of the night kind of early) feeling very, VERY nauseous. From that moment on I was sick as a dog for two days. I am still recovering from what turned out to be a twenty-four hour eight pound weight loss. This event made my other existing health concerns even more enjoyable. Fortunately this whatever it was hit me on my days off of work for this week so once again I eeked by and did not miss any time. You go Trish. It's yer birthday, it's yer birthday.

  *does the "stir the witches brew with the big wooden spoon" dance*

  I have a lot of working hours coming up. My schedule is full. The next few weeks are going to keep me really busy, which is really good.

  And now......... Drum roll please. *drumrolldrumrolldrumroll*..... Things I have to write about in a future entry:

  • No sex in nineteen years. It doesn't matter much anymore I suppose. But it is a trip to think about. Nineteen freakin years. I guess sex in this lifetime is a washout -

  "You could pray for reincarnation, Trish."
  And do all THIS again? What are ya, fruitloops?

  • I need to see my endo as he cancelled on the 23rd of January and I need a refill on my estradiol script soon -

  • Trish-Marie, the originator of The Swish® Standards of Care -

  ..and just some other stuff too.

   

  When I told my doctor that I couldn't afford an operation,
  he offered to touch up my X rays.
  Henny Youngman

Friday, March 24th, 2006

• Look, the...

  ...second, the exact second that you decide to "transition", your wives and husbands do not matter any more. Get that through your head, they are toast. If you are really going to go through with this, and they do not LOVE the plan, they are history. You will not be able to take anything they do or say into consideration and make this work for you. If you do, it will all be half ass'ed at best. There are NO compromises in "transition".

  If they DO hang out with you through "transition" and beyond, in full support, you might be lucky, but for the most part, you have to consider them history, they could be gone at any moment. Many times, at best they will make your life a roller coaster of ups and downs, come here come here come here, get away! get away! get away!'s and totally screw with your head making "transition" even more difficult then it already is.

  If they don't like what you have decided to do with your lives don't insult their intelligence by thinking that if you just "educate" them with "True Selves", "She's Not There" and "My Husband Wears My Clothes" books that they will come around. That is just so major insulting. "Educating" them. It sounds like a bad nazi movie.

  They have lives and their husbands and wives doing what we have done is not a part of it.

  This crap, this "transgender" crap is Outerspaceville, and too many people get caught up in "Tranny Clubs" and forget that.

  Don't insult loved ones by expecting that they should accept this in any way, shape or form.

  "Education". Jeez.

   

  What are you, people? On dope?
  Mr. Hand, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

  "Why do you keep writing stuff like this, even at the risk of repeating yourself, Trish?"
  I get fired up by things I read and see I guess.

  I finally have an appointment with my endocrinologist for next Tuesday. I have to get up at 5 AM for that one. I also had my estradiol script refilled today. The last two sentences fall under "neither here nor there" I guess. It's probably akin to writing, "I bought milk at the supermarket today" now.

  P.S. Don't forget to thank your lucky stars for every inch of "transition" that goes your way.

Saturday, March 25th, 2006

• This comes in...

  ...real handy.

  

   

  When I purchased my copy of The Tranny Script, they sent along a free keychain
  inscribed with the correct spelling of "t-r-a-n-s-s-e-x-u-a-l" on it.
  It's a great tool and it really helped my credibility.
  Trish

Monday, March 27th, 2006

• I broke one...

  ...of my teeth on a cough drop yesterday at work. Pain city. Consequently today I spent four hours in the dentist's chair having it prepared for a crown. I am thankful for the opportunity to have it repaired and that I can actually go in and have it taken care of without freaking out (as in dental paranoia) now. I am not thankful for the cost involved. Tonight I am only in slight pain and discomfort due to pain medication.

  I spoke with my son tonight. I told him that I want him to spend his Easter Break week with me. He feels the same. Life is good when it comes to my son and our relationship. Life is good. There is a lot of pressure off of me now when he visits as I am totally out to him. Totally. Lot's of love in this family. That didn't come about by luck. It came about with a lot of open communication and showing love for each other every day. Well, okay, perhaps a small amount of luck also, but it was mostly by way of diligence and respect for each other. But really, how can you not look at the people you love, especially your baby and not have this stuff pretty much just come naturally.

  Just an employment update: My friends at work rock. I am quickly becoming very fond of more then a few of them. I hope, and I feel there are a few who also care about me. All the way around I could have done a LOT worse when it came to employment. I feel pretty damn lucky in the Department of Getting Along. I feel a part of things.

  I have had four Customer Service Awards so far.

  One of my co-workers just went to Hawaii for her honeymoon. She actually brought back for me a bracelet made from an exotic wood. Do you know how special that is that she would think of me? During her honeymoon? That is almost just too special for words. I'm not used to that.

  I've been there for nine months now. It would break my heart if for any reason this did not work out.

   

  I'm back in the saddle again.
  Gene Autry & Ray Whitley