b a c k g r o u n d c o l o r

Thursday, May 3rd, 2001

  • 10:30 PM
    I am back safe and sound from my Mom's house. (See previous entry, Part Two.) This is going even faster then I thought it would. The pre-surgery date is set and the surgery date is set (cosmetic surgery). I am pretty tired, but I want to make this entry tonight. My pre-surgery date is Thursday May 10th. They are gonna do all the preliminary stuff that I mentioned in my last entry. My surgery date is Monday May 14th. I will be staying at my Mom's from the pre-surgery stuff until at least a week after surgery when I go back for the "week later" checkup. For now, there are all kinds of things that I cannot take like for headaches and stuff because of their blood thinning qualities. Fortunately Premarin and spiro are not on that list. The surgeon made sure that I knew this. I think he knew I was concerned, so, no break in HRT and this is a real good thing. I have an electro appointment early tomorrow, then Tuesday and then I guess I will have a break in that action for about 2 weeks. Hopefully, that will be all. I don't want to miss any more electro then I have to, but I think it's for a good reason. I will miss my electro person also, I love her. I will not miss any of my therapy appointments as the timing is perfect. I love my therapy too. My emotional status is good as you might guess. It has to do with all of this I am sure, but I am not "high". I am just not feeling low like I was. This surgery stuff still seems like a dream and I don't think the reality of it has set in yet. I have been wanting this for so long... Speaking of long, that's what this entry is getting...
    Sall for now once again.

    When I left Mom's house today, she was already making chicken soup for my recovery period, How cool is that? Thanks Mom.

Friday, May 11th, 2001

  • I am back at my Mom's and we went to my pre-surgery appointment yesterday. My mom brought fresh avacados from her grove to the people at the doctors office. My mom is so cool. I had "before" pictures taken. I had blood drawn. Mom filled the scripts given to me for pain pills and antibiotics. Cosmetic surgery is a go for Monday morning, May 14th at 7:20 AM. I feel pretty good. I would probly be really ecstatic right now, but I am still a little frightened, just cause I am not good with surgery stuff. But ya gotta do what ya gotta do. See you on the other side.

    If I wake up, good. If I don't wake up, good.

Wednesday, May 16th, 2001

  • Well, I woke up, ha. I guess I will be pressing on after all. I had the surgery Monday morning and now I am sitting here with the infamous "racoon face". Black and blue city. All went well and I feel a burden lifted, from the front of my face. My spirits are good. I can't really think right now. I am pretty out of it but I just wanted to get something down here to let whoever know that I am still kicking. I guess the second post-operative day is supposed to be the "worst" as far as swelling and stuff goes and that is where I am at, so, I am gonna go and rest.

    I thought I could do this alone. I was wrong. Thanks Mom.

    ..and a very special thank you to Amica for helping me to recover these last two entries after Geocities deleted my other website.

Thursday, May 31st, 2001

  • I'm baaaaa-aaaaack... Yeah. Since back from surgery, I have been to therapy and electro with more electro tomorrow. Now, I have a couple of things to address here... Lemmie see...

  • Trish and Geocities:
    Maybe you noticed that I am not with Yahoo/Geocities anymore. Yep, last Friday as I slept (yeah, I sleep) they deleted my entire website. They sent me an email telling me that I had violated some term of agreement. Why my site you ask? That is what I have been asking. I thought I had a good site that they would be happy to have on their server. Not so I guess. Oh well, with the kindness that a friend has shown me (which is another whole subject), I am back and hopefully better then ever. I am very pleased to be at TG Forum. Enough said on that... Oh wait! One more thing: If you have your website at Geocities, back everything up... I feel a witch hunt comin on.

  • My Nose-en-dech-timee (rhinoplasty):
    I got home from my Mom's last Saturday night. My nose right now is doin pretty good I think. So far nobody has said, "Hey, they really messed you up!" So, this is good. The black, blue and yellow (yes yellow) is pretty much gone. I still have some dissolvable stitches poking out here and there, they will..... dissolve of course. The swelling is still kinda there just a little, but this is not supposed to go away for another month or so, I guess with the final "product" not showing for maybe 9 to 12 months. My nose still feels far from back to normal. Rhinoplasty was a bit more involved then I thought. I would not want to do it again, but I would. It was worth it. Bottom line? I have a new nose and profile. I am extremely happy with it and all is well. Oh yeah, and you can practice for rhinoplasty ahead of time, to get you used to it. Here is a good one: Don't blow your nose for at least 3 weeks. Yikes.

  • My Mom.
    I was very pleased to get home to hug my kid, but I was so very sad to leave my Mom's house. The two and a half weeks that we spent together are two and a half weeks that I won't forget. We talked, we ate, we laughed, we watched TV (yeah, even Jerry Springer with our jaws dropping open further and further with every show... Well, I had to show her what we all aren't!), we went shopping for clothes, we just did all kinds of stuff. It seems like we are discovering each other in a completely new way, at least that is the way I feel.
    I miss you Mom. I love you.

  • Hormone Replacement Therapy.
    After my last depressing entries regarding my HRT progress, I am almost afraid to write anything. I am okay now though, I think. I am still gonna get my spironlactone dosage upped in June. It will be a year since I started HRT then, and I am not happy with my progress. I am happy with the emotional changes, though it might not seem it. I mean, like I used to kinda enjoy those "real television" programs, you know, the kind with real car accidents caught on video and stuff? Well, now you could not pay me to watch those things. When I was at my Mom's I watched a lot of TV and those cheap car insurance commercials use that type of tape footage now. Jeez, it really upset me. I think even my Mom could not believe how sensitive I am. I think she thought I was being a little ridiculous. Then, the other day I walked through the TV room here at home. My son and his friend were watching one of those "real TV" kinda shows. I said, "You two should not be watching that." Wait! Did that come out of my mouth?! I am one to just let boys be boys. Whether all of this is via the hormones or just coming with age, I don't know. Hoe-lee cow. Violence sux.

    I have been criticized or at the very least not understood when I say that if I could make a deal with the devil right now, that if he would make me a genetic female, I would wear drab (dressed as a boy) the rest of my life. I would not be happy about wearing drab the rest of my life, but I would rather be a genetic female in men's clothing then be anything like a male in women's clothing. To some, as a true TS I am supposed to need to present myself as a woman. But I feel, as a TS, I want to be female. Presentation to the world is pretty secondary, important to me yes, but secondary. All options weighed, it is the way I feel... I am not talking about anybody else, I am talking about me. Hey, if I am not really transsexual, then whatever, "shrink' me all you want. See, you probly just got mad at me also. Wo, I am getting all defensive and trying to justify how I feel. That is not good, but one thing is fer sure, if you see me drab... well..... I just might have made a deal....

    Now the other thing: I am pretty sure that my breasts are growing, but I am not gonna say it, to you or to myself. Wait, I think I just said it. Strike that. Anyway, on the erection front, I have not had one for at least a month now. I hope I am not lying to you, I am pretty sure it has been a month or longer. I am sure if I tried, I could have an erection. But forget that. I imagine that an erection would hurt. The "use it or lose" it syndrome. I am not ruling out waking up with one, though I hope that never happens again. If it does, I will let you know.
    This diary started out strongly for my HRT progress physically, but my progress seems to be more in the emotional area right now. I won't forget to write about physical changes when I know they are happening. Don't leave me now.....

  • Sex and a relationship.
    I have none, I don't want none and all is good. The lack of sexual desire is true freedom. This is worth the price of HRT alone. Being touched and touching would be nice every once in a while, but touching alone does not a relationship make. I dunno. I mean, a little sex might be kinda nice, but orgasm is just not the thing. I am having a hard time communicating this. I would like to have a little romance in my life, but it seems my definition or my needs in the romance department just don't match anybody else's. So, I am happy alone. Just thought I would throw that in here for some of you that might want to do HRT AND continue with your "love life". Some of this is not from hormones I am sure. I have been celibate for over 13 years. The last 5 being completely by my choice. Take from this what ya will.
    Oh well, more soon....

    Thanks so much to all of you that supported me through my Nose-en-dech-timee recovery period. You have no idea how good that made me feel.

Saturday, June 16th, 2001

  • Well, it was 6 months ago that I wrote, "I have been on HRT for 6 months as of today... Glory be. "

    Today marks one year since I started HRT. I think that instead of saying "glory be", I feel more like saying at least now I am starting to feel a little normal. It is a good feeling, to be comfortable in your skin. I don't know exactly why I do feel this way, because when I look at myself I don't see much of a difference from one year ago. I guess it is coming from the inside because make no mistakes, I feel so much better. I would say that from the inside is what matters most anyway, but I would be lying a little. So here I have this internal battle thing goin on between the inside saying, "Wo, don't we feel great?!" and the outside (what I see in the mirror) saying, "This is bad, I mean this is majorly bad. A year?! You have been on mones a year?! Oh puh-leeeeze." I do feel that I don't look too terribly bad, but I feel it is because of electro and my rhinoplasty and the dang nabbid clothes and makeup. But darn it all, I want the rest. I wanna sleep naked. If you look at it kinda dramatically, here I am almost risking my life through the ingesting of all this estrogen and I want to look presentable also, naked for crimany sakes. No clothes, no makeup, plain ol' naked. I wanna see the same person I saw last night with clothes on as I see when I wake in the morning with clothes off. Some of the other girls are in the same boat and some are on the Titanic. I am not alone, except with myself, and so are you. I will keep goin as the bottom line is, it feels right. It feels very right. The most important thing that I have learned this year? We are all different. You cannot go by what works for the other girls. You just have to follow your heart, do what you can and hope for the best.
    I gotta remember that.

  • Full Time?
    I dunno why it is, but lately I have had quite a few people ask me if I am full time. This is hard. I have two trains of thought about this. Number one is, when I tell people that have known me for quite some time that I am not, I feel like I have mislead them in some way and I feel kinda like a phony. I don't like that. Number two, I have to tell them that I am not full time which reminds me that I am not full time and I don't like that either.

  • Erection count:
    One (1) since my last entry, in the morning. Darn. "Okay Trish, why do you keep writing about your hard ons?" I will tell you why. To put it simply, it is because they are an ever faithful reminder that I have a penis. I don't like saying that out loud almost as much as I don't appreciate Mr. Ugly being on my stupid body. My spiro will be upped at my next endo appointment on Friday June 22nd or I will go off my rocker. For my friends around the world "off my rocker" means, I will go bananas. Oh wait, for my friends around the world, "go bananas" means to totally lose it. Oh wait, for my friends around the world, oh nevermind....

  • Orchiectomy
    *thinking.... thinking*

  • For about every 2 good things that happen...
    .... a bad thing happens. I was talking to my therapist about this on Wednesday. I am a little hesitant to write about it here for fear that I will be written off as a lost cause, but it is true. It has happened to me time and time again and is a truth that will not leave me. It is not a "Oh, let's all feel sorry for Trish" thing, it is just a fact of life. One example and you kind of read about it here sometime back: I went to the Annual TGSF Cotillion in February. I promised that it was going to be different this time. I was much more confident and I promised myself that I was going to meet all kinds of new people and just have a great time. Well, I did. My confidence level went WAY high as did my ego, a little. So, two days later I am back at home feeling really good about all this and how somebody just complimented my pic at a chat room and what happens? My front tooth just breaks off. I mean ugly breaks off. Oh good. Down in the depths again. It is just a way for Angel to say, "Hey Trish! Don't get cocky! You have a long way to go."

  • On the one hand....
    .....I feel I should be so happy all the time just because I am actually seeing my life change. I am following my path. But on the other hand, I am unhappy much of the time. If you think that confuses you, you oughta be here with me. It seems so stupid. What it comes down to, the thing that I have to remember is, just because I am transitioning doesn't mean all my problems are gonna go away. Old story, but gotta remember it. I am not ungrateful. I'm not.

  • Can you please not gloat about how you can't wait to try and pee standing up or how much better your underwear fits now? I am happy for you, but it is getting pretty old.

  • Okay, it is count my blessings time:
    My Mom.
    My child.
    My friends in real time and on the net.
    My hormones.
    My health. (Knock on wood.)
    My therapist.
    My electro person.
    My endo.
    My meetings.
    My semi-freedom to persue my life and the fact that I am doing it.
    My nose.
    My room.
    My stuff.
    The fact that my life is heading towards eventual sexual reassignment surgery, or at least, I feel it is.
    The price of Diet Coke® is one thing that has not gone up.

      Thanks Angel for my first year.

Friday, June 22nd, 2001

  • I went to my endo today. I was gonna make sure that my spiro dosage was upped. I wanted at least 100 mg's more a day. I requested it and he upped me by 50 mg's a day, so I only had to throw one chair at him instead of two. He wants to make sure that my potassium level (among other things) is well. So he is doing blood work and we will see. 50 is better then nothing to be sure. I think it will be upped another 50 soon. So now I am taking 5 mg's of Premarin and 150 mg's of spiro daily. He reviewed the medications I am taking down to the Emla he prescribes for my electro. Funny thing though.... He did not mention the Trazadone which I am supposed to be taking for sleep. I am not taking it, as you know. He musta been tired. This is a good thing. I don't wanna take that stuff. He wanted to know all about what I am doing as far as transitioning and furthering my progress. I am really getting the feeling that if he thinks I am not progressing, he will yank the mones out from under me. No comment needed for that one. I have my next appointment in 3 months.

  • My nose is still pretty sore, but it is getting better every day.
    (Note to self: Rhinoplasty is not a weekend affair.)

  • I have been seeing my son's "transgender aware/friendly" therapist. She is helping me to formulate the best plan to "come out" to my 13 year old son, if there is any such plan...... or I should say, come out completely because my son does know some things about me. I hide nothing. Yeah, that's my purse on the bed, that's my makeup and all my perfumes and lotions, those are all my skirts and blouses hanging up, uh-huh, those are my heels, yeah, the bunny rabbit et al are mine. It is my room, who else could they belong to? What kind of meetings do I go to all the time with makeup in hand? Where do I go with my face covered in Emla and Saran wrap constantly? He knows. He just has to hear it. This is not for me as much as it is for my son's mental well-being. No more secrets, no more lies by omission. No more what is goin on with dad. I didn't know when I would tell him. His mom and his therapist think now is better then later. Soon, he will know all, very soon. One of my last hurdles. I hope he is the kid I raised. This is a good thing.
    I love you my son.

  • I have to get a job soon. The thought of doin the "dude thing" for 40 hours a week or more again is making my stomach turn. I have come to the conclusion that it is just not right to make me do this. But do it I must. This is gonna be really hard.

  • Some think I am trying too hard to "be a girl". You know? Like I am all tryin to be a girly girl? The last time it was said to me was when I refused to look at some bloody picture on the net. "Oh you are just taking this sensitive thing a little too far Trish." When I was unsure of who or what I was, they coulda got me with that one. Now, I realize it is because they just don't get it... and ya know what? They never will. They think they do, which is weird.... For instance, they could no more understand what it feels like to be transsexual (has nothing to do with looking at bloody pictures) then a blind person could know what blue looks like. I have had people that have never been on hormones tell me that what I am feeling is imagined. Can you believe that? A person who has never been on hormones telling a person who is on hormones that they are full of it. The reason it bothers me so is that the person that I am thinkin of at the moment I consider a friend. If they weren't, I would write them of so fast. Makes it difficult.

  • Recently my electro person gave me some French Vanilla Glycerin Hand Therapy... Oh gawd. I almost die every time I use it. It is soooooooo good. Can you say O-R-G-A-S-M? I am hooked... It came in the cutest little container too. A little white jar with a green and yellow like little silk flower on top. The total package is..... yummy. My electro person has most excellent taste you see. My Mom gave me some Naturistics® clear raspberry lip balm when I was at her house. This is great stuff. You know, takin care of my body is a lot of work, but oh the perks. I go through a lot of Johnson's® Baby Oil too. Not as much as I used to, but a lot. Apply it to your body when you are still wet from the shower, then just pat yourself dry and your skin says, "Soft" all day long.
    (I am not quite sure how this entry got in here... ha... Sounds like an advertisement...)

  • ...and now something that I am not sure if I should write, but I need to say it and I think others need to see it so they know what happened (even though they probly won't see this) to me. I was the moderator for the HRT Forum at Susan's Transgender Resources. One night some weeks ago, life got very dark for me (at least in my mind/head it was dark). I was having a bad time of it. It was late at night and I needed to scream. So, I did. I posted my dark feelings at Susan's. I exposed some things about me that had never been exposed before, things I felt like doing to myself. Then I hid from everybody which is just my way I guess. Within a few days I was given the ultimatum to either get myself together by a certain date, or resign my moderator position. My emotions really haven't paid attention to dates thus far. I mean, I was in a place with no light at the end of the tunnel. So, I resigned. Easier said then done, believe me. What I did not know was that as a moderator, I was not allowed to have problems, or at least have problems and let anybody know that I had problems. I was supposed to set the example. Maybe I should have known this... It probly wouldn't have mattered anyway..... I was in a very bad spot. After my resignation, I promised myself that I would never return to Susan's. I failed at Susan's. I don't revisit my failures. Hopefully, I learn from them and just move on. This has been very hard. Of all the places that I go on the net, Susan's was the only place that anybody ever listened to me and took what I had to say seriously. The only place.
    So now I say to you, keep your guard up me sisters (and I never say sisters). It is never over.
    Anyway, I will find a new position soon. I need to be a part of the community, to try and give back, however flawed I may be.

    Who's trippin' down the Streets of the city, smilin' at everybody she sees?
    Who's reachin' out to capture a moment?
    Everyone knows it's Windy.
    And Windy has stormy eyes, that flash at the sound of lies,
    And Windy has wings to fly, above the clouds.
    The Association

Sunday, July 1st, 2001

  • I so want to write good things in this diary. I want to at least appear to be the once upbeat person I was when it started. But it is just not happening. I worry. Justified or not, I worry. I am to the point where I am almost sure that I do not have what it takes to go full time. If I don't have a chance of passing enough to even disappear into a crowd, to go about my day unnoticed a good part of the time, let alone get a job, I just can't do it. I know that so many good things are happening for me. Like electro, but with that comes a lot of pain, so much so that I have once or twice been in the bathroom during breaks crying. It hurts and I just think every once in while that I can't get through it. Problem is, I have too or it is over. Hormones, I worry constantly about where the money for the next batch is going to come from, and if they are even working. I just don't see it. Problem is, no more hormones means no more nuthin. My rhinoplasty, there is still a bump on the bridge of my nose that I am afraid is there forever. Problem is, rhinoplasty was so expensive and this procedure was my one shot at it. I cannot and never will be able to afford another surgery like that. I didn't even pay for it this time. It meant more to me then I could possibly communicate to you. My teeth, I don't even wanna go there. These little things may seem like not much to you and you think that Trish should quit her whining. Understand though, it is all I have. Me. It is all I have. Me is all I want. I don't even want anybody else to want me, ever. I finally made the decision to do this and it is all I have. I have so far to go. I don't want me taken away. I wish writing this stuff still made me feel better, I am sure it is no fun to read.

    Alright already, I will take the pill, either the "TS go away" one, or cyanide. Whichever.
    There, I finally said it.

Monday, July 9th, 2001

Tuesday, July 10th, 2001

  • Okay, today I went to electro and tonight I attended a TS support group. On my way home from the support group (en drab) around 9 PM I decided to stop for a Diet Coke. I saw a Carl's Jr. and pulled up to the speaker. "May I help you?", she asked. I said, "Yes, I would like an extra large Diet Coke please." Then she said, "That will be $1.81 at the window, SIR." Darn, there is that "sir" again. "Thank you." I said.

    I pulled around to the window having forgotten about the "sir" thing, I mean, it happens all the time. The girl comes to the window and says, "That's $1.81 please ma'am." I thought I heard a ma'am in there but I wasn't sure, so I just gave her the money. When she returned she handed me the change and said, "You did say Diet Coke, right ma'am?" Heck ya... She thinks I am a girl... How cool... I said, "Yes please." A moment later a young man returned with my Diet Coke and said, "Thank you ma'am, have a nice night."

    Two days in a row. We saw each other, we made contact and we communicated, repeatedly, with two different employees. I mean on the Ma'am Scale, this rates a Ma'amer-Jammer. You can't rain on this one. This was a Ma'am Encounter Of The Third Kind.

    Just let me have this one Angel.
    I am not getting cocky.

Wednesday, July 18th, 2001

  • 8:21 PM
    I am afraid that nobody is going to understand this.
    I messed up bad.
    I need a job and I need a job fast. I met with a headhunter last week. It is my one hope to find a job. We made plans to meet at a "networking" meeting of some sorts at a bar/restaurant about 40 miles from here that I have never been to. That was for tonight at 7 PM. I went through the traumatic experience of buying guy clothes for the meeting this last Saturday. I didn't write about that. As I showered today my anxiety level was growing and growing. The combination of presenting totally as a full on guy and the pressure of having to find a job started to take it's toll on me physically and emotionally as the time neared 7 PM, but I knew it was just something that I had to do. I got dressed and did my best to psyche myself out, got in the car and drove.

    Thirty five minutes later I arrived at the place. As I pulled in the driveway I had no intentions of doing anything other then parking and going in. As I looked around while pulling in I realized that this was one of those really trendy "happening" places that all the cool people go to, one of those "hip" places, and big. At this point I am okay, but having more anxieties. Then I find out it is valet parking only. This is a really "cool" part of town and there is no other parking. I don't have money for valet parking. This is all too much for me. I don't even go to this kind of a place on my own for fun. Now I start to panic. Just then, I took notice of all the people going in. I spotted a couple of women dressed casual nice and that was it, a wave hit me, a feeling of isolation that was so strong. I can't explain why the sight of the women was putting the last straws on the camels back, you either understand or you don't. I turned around and pulled out of the lot and in my mind I was intending to find a spot even a mile down the road if I had to and walk back. But no matter what I thought I would do, my body put my car back on the freeway and headed back home. I tried, I tried so effin hard. This is bad.

    I spent the drive home on the verge, and thinking. I have let people down. I let the headhunter down. I let my Mom down. My Mom has given me so much support and now when I have to do something that she knows is hard for me, but wants me to do, I failed. It also hit me that, shit, I can't present as a full on guy anymore without freaking, not to mention that without a job and a paycheck Trish-Marie disappears anyway. This is bad. This is major bad. If I could just tell the headhunter who I am, so she could work with me. Now I am just, losing it. As I sit here at home I wonder what will happen. What can't I do next. I will try, I will keep trying, but I mean, I MAJORALLY effed up tonight. I have not messed up this bad for years. When there is something I know that has to be done, something as important as this, I do it.

    She needs somebody tonight that wants to hold her and tell her that it is gonna be okay. Just hold her for once, and hold her like she has never done anything wrong. Lie to her, let her lie to herself... Just for tonight.

    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can,
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wednesday, July 25th, 2001

  • A follow up to last week, and other things...
    After last Wednesday night's emotional fiasco, I wrote an email to the headhunter person saying how sorry I was for not showing up, that I was like there and an emergency had come up, something beyond my control. Was I lying? Nope. I hadn't heard back from her as of Friday morning when I left home for an appointment with my cosmetic surgeon. My surgeon is halfway to my Mom's house so I went to Moms after the appointment to spend the rest of the weekend. More on that in a minute. Well, when I arrived home I had received an email from the headhunter person that was just a forward of another "networking gathering" notice for next Wednesday, tonight. No "I am mad at you's", no" I am not mad at you's", nothing else. So I knew at least that she did not hate me.

    To make a longer story a little shorter, I went. Same scenario as last week, only this time I turned myself off. I refused to think. I actually made it into the meeting this time.

    All "looking for a job" stuff aside, it was very weird. It was at a very nice bar and I had not been in this type of atmosphere for a long time. Lot's of men and women, all professionals. On a scale of 1 to 10 of people "networking", I would put it on about a 9...... On a scale of 1 to 10 of people there to also possibly meet a member of the opposite sex for fun a games, a 2. It sucked to have woman sizing me up as a man again. Just too weird knowing that if one did take an interest, (and I think 2 did, surprised me too), there is just no way it is gonna happen. Anyway, I don't like it. Okay, my next instinct here is to get a little dark with my feelings on the whole thing and how nothing came out of this experience, so I will stop. But the "Trish bottom line" is, I did not let anybody down this time. I did my best.

    Like I wrote a second ago, I spent from Friday afternoon to Sunday evening at my Mom's house. This is so spiritually uplifting for me. Mom can let me know when there is something I need to do and should just do it, and supports me when she knows it hurts.... I honestly don't know what I would do right now without her.

    Anyway, I had mentioned that I need new tennie's and so Mom suggested that we go looking for some. The next day we went to a Payless and Mom bought me new tennie's and I bought a cute little pair of "dressier" shoes.... Mom said afterward that it was interesting to see people look at me (en drab) like they were trying to figure out what I was doing in the women's shoe section. I was trying on shoes of course. Like..... duh. Ha! I thought to myself, Mom is really cool doin that for me, not letting it bother her. I didn't notice anybody looking, I mean, I needed shoes and I hit a shoe bonanza there. Oh well, after shoes we went over to Kmart cause she needed something and we ended up getting some makeup. All in all, a much more rewarding experience then going to a "networking meeting". Only problem is, no money coming in, just going out.

    My breasts are still sore most of the time and I am hoping this is still a good thing. You would think that with all the soreness a little growth would happen. I still don't see much. My emotional outlook is the same, a little better at times and real down other times. Crying about every other day over things. I am still on 5 mgs of Premarin and 150 mgs of spiro. Can't wait to up the spiro. Funny thing, I woke up on Tuesday morning and the first thought I had was of a girl that I used to know a long time ago. My thoughts were slightly sexual and for about 10 minutes as I lay there waking, I saw her, I smelled her and I wanted her next to me. I just really wanted to feel all parts of her on my cheeks, on my eyelids.... I wanted to smell her and just be there, just be there. Nothing more, nothing less. The warmth of it all.
    Erection count: Zero, thank you very much.

    There is just so much more I could tell you. My impending divorce (a good thing), my wonderful son, how much I love him and how everything he does effects what I do, my inevitable moving out of this house and all that it entails, all the new and wonderful friends that I am making.... There is just so much in my life that you do not know about.... I suppose I will write of some of it in time, when it is actually happening. It is just that, all of what is going on has an effect on who I am and what I am doing and/or need to do.

    Thank you to those that showed me support last week when I failed.
    Thank you for helping me to feel less of a failure.
    Thank you for understanding.