• 11:00 PM

  I was able to reach my therapist at a little after 11:00 PM last night. I just got home from spending a couple of hours with him. The priority has shifted from finding a job to getting me out of my current living environment as soon as possible, job or no job. I told my therapist that before I left home I said the Lords Prayer (as I always do) and asked that my Higher Power watch over me on my journey to therapy, but not on the way back. I didn't want to come "home". I can't write any more about my time with him, other then to say it felt so good to be there again. I am so thankful. I have another appointment next Wednesday and phone contact as needed. My anxiety levels have tapered off a little. Not very much and not near enough. I guess the bottom line is that I have made it though another day. I don't know, there just seems like there is something else I should say, but I just don't know what it is. I am desperate.

  I stopped in a little town on my way home to have a hot dog. Then I got lost in the mountains. I was killing time. I must hold onto tonight. I've written too much.

   

  It was one year ago today that I had cosmetic surgery.
  Trish

Saturday, May 18th, 2002

• I can't really even remember the timeline of the events of this past week.

  I don't even know where to start. On Thursday I spoke to my lawyer. To avoid extra court costs I have agreed to be out of this house by mid September. I will move in with my Mom. She is 170 miles away from here. I see this as a not good thing and a good thing, but I have to get out of here. On Thursday I also quit my fast food job. My anxiety levels have gone way down. I can't say that I feel like a failure with this fast food job, but I will say that I feel bad that I accepted the position and then failed to live up to the responsibility. However, my therapist, my Mom, my lawyer and my best friend are all behind my decision 100 percent. The only person who does not support me is my soon to be ex wife (big surprise there). As it turns out, she is the only reason I took the job in the first place as it benefited me in no way whatsoever to be working there. It was actually a detriment. It just kept her off my back briefly. I don't dare tell her that I quit. Let me defend myself here a little and state some history. I have been working full time since I was 18 years old. I have paid into this house for 18 years. Not a part of it, but for the majority of the time, all of it. I held my last job for 18 years. I am not as irresponsible as it might seem. It was just that damn fast food job and this damn place in time. It was bad for me, evidenced by the fact that I lost body and mind function when I went there. Oh hell, if it seems I am a loser, I guess I ain't going to change that perception now. Fuck it.

  I wish I could write more about the ins and outs of all of this, but I cannot. I never intended for my Transition Diary to take this direction. I don't like it much. My Transition Diary started out being about nothing more then my transition progress. Unfortunately, just after I started transition the turmoil in my life began and what was once the most exciting thing to ever happen to me (with the exception of my sons birth) has just about been forced to take a back seat. At that time I had stability in my life. I had a steady job and secure place to live etc etc, and now that is gone. I have not really been able to feel the full effects of calming that hormones should be having on me. For the first few months I was pretty much there, then this last year has happened and that has overridden any chance of being calm.

  Moving to my Mom's house solves a few problems temporarily but poses just as many. My electro person will now be 200 miles away turning my 3 to 5 hour day into a 10 or 12 hour day, not to mention my car which is like travelling by covered wagon. The same goes with my endocrinologist and therapist. Fortunately the latter two are seen less, but electro is at least once or twice a week. I will not stop. I cannot stop, but it will not be easy. But then again, what the fuck about any of this is.

  I was finally able to speak to my electro person and I have an appointment for Tuesday, finally. It has been almost a month. I have allegiance to my electro person for more then one reason. It was not her fault that I could not get in to see her. Unforeseen and unavoidable events in her life. That did not however make it easier for me. I am sure you know that after a certain amount of electrolysis hours, the more the area is cleared, the longer you have to let the hair grow so there is stuff for them to get. So you let it grow, then the appointment is cancelled so you shave... Then you let it grow again, only to have your appointment cancelled again and the process starts over. I suppose you have to be in transition to understand how difficult this is to deal with. It is not "Waaa waaa waaa"..... It is "Fuck, I hate this shit on my face." You don't want to see anybody and you don't want anybody to see you. It is embarrassing.

  Bottom line for today I guess is, my anxiety level is way down because I am not fearing the fear of going back into that fast food place and having another "episode". I don't know how well I would have come out of this end of the week had it not been for therapy, my Mom and my best friend. I have an electro appointment for Tuesday and therapy on Wednesday. My spiritual bases are more or less covered. I am still doing okay on my hormone supply.

  So at least as it stands today I now have a small amount of direction and I am feeling thankful to be more or less in one piece again. I am still not one hundred percent, but I guess I never am anyway. I find it fascinating how fast a person (me) can be reduced to a blithering idiot. It is quite frightening.

  Oh, and I did not drink. Big whoop I know, but I did not drink.

  I didn't take a Trazadone sleeping pill last night. I slept okay. I hate taking those things.

  I don't want to go to bed alone tonight. I want to sleep with somebody. A semi-rare want.

  I am already dreading not being in this house for and with my son. I am anticipating tears. I don't care if there is a problem with that or not. He is my son, my baby, my flesh and blood and I will damn well weep and cry and moan over that one if I need to.

   

  It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to.
  You would cry too, if it happened to you.
  Lesley Gore

Saturday, May 25th, 2002

• For at least the last 18 years of my life,

  I refused to see the possibilities. I didn't want to know for sure that I could not have them.

  I turned them off. I would not look at them. But now I have given myself permission to open my eyes. I see the possibilities out there and I know, in my heart, that they may never ever happen. Quite possibly they are not possibilities after all. This is what I feared.

  There is much to be said for the phrase "ignorance is bliss".

   

  It is said that you must never stop chasing your dreams.
  It is also said that dreams and wishes are for children.
  I wonder which one it really is.
  Trish

Sunday, May 26th, 2002

• "It could be worse.....

  ...He could be a drug addict, or a bank robber, or a person who beats up on his spouse, or a drunk.... things like that." What? You are comparing my transition with drug abuse, bank robbery, spousal or alcohol abuse? I can appreciate that you are trying to be tolerant (I dislike that word) and understanding, but hey, my transition is not a negative thing. It is all the worlds balderdash that is negative.

  It should be way more like, "It could be worse. He recognizes something that is causing him problems and he is doing everything he can do to make it right instead of letting it eat away at him and wasting his life away." (Forgive the pronouns please, just trying to imagine how somebody might present it.)

  "So Trish, what is the point of today's gibberish?
  My point here is, puh-leeze don't compare me to a drug addict, or a bank robber or somebody who beats up on their spouse. I am just a normal person here trying to get along. Just something to think about. Oh, and Happy Birthday.
  "Happy Birthday? Me?"
  Yeah, you.
  "I don't have birthdays. I am in your mind."
  Regardless, my dairy is due for something festive, so if I want it to be your birthday, it is your birthday.
  "Oh, well then... Thanks Trish. (blush)"
  No worries. And don't blush, it makes me uncomfortable. You are not supposed to show emotion.
  "It was a joke. And it is not my birthday, so move on."

  My Transition Diary entry today is written with the thoughts of friends both in real time and on the Internet who are close to my heart, those that don't think I am a different person or "Thank goodness she is not a car thief" because of what I am doing with my life. As I have said before, they are neither tolerant or accepting. They are just my friends who like me. With them, I just am. I hold them dear, but I do not put them on a pedestal. They are just people, and that is as it should be.

   

  And don't get me wrong, those that would say "it could be worse" are appreciated.
  At least they don't forsake me, so..... it could be worse.
  Trish

Sunday, June 2nd, 2002

• .... of shaving........... shaving............ and more shaving.

  More stuff that nobody needs to know about me, and some stuff that I am sure nobody wants to know about me...

  ....so there I am, once again, in the shower shaving my legs. Silly as it probably is, it crosses my mind, "I wonder if I am doing this right." Hmmmm... Well, the outcome is always (on good days) what is desired: legs that are free of hair. But as I contort first this way, and then that way, I think about genetic women who have been shaving their legs as an "acceptable" practice for their gender since the uglies first started showing themselves. Did their moms give them tips and helpful advice? Were they able to share with their girlfriends? I know that my dad was not really around when my facial hair (cringe) started coming in and so all the shaving I learned to do was really by experimentation, trial and error. And it has been the same way with my legs, etc.

  I shave in the shower. I don't have a bathtub. I guess I am pretty limber as I do not have a problem with it at all. Maybe no woman does. But how am I to know? It is not like I can ask a friend, "Hey, can I ask a big favor? Can I watch you shave your legs and whatever else you shave? I am not sure that I am doing it right." Ha... Well, maybe someday I will have a friend to help me, but it hasn't happened yet. I did ask a genetic girlfriend of mine how often she shaved under her arms. I was concerned because it seems that since switching from Premarin (due to the shortage) to estradiol I need to shave under mine more often. I was comforted when she told me that she shaved under her arms every day and for sure every day in the summer.

  I use a Lady Gillette®. It took me a long time to find a good razor. I have used the Lady Gillette® for about 3 years I think. In all that time I may have nicked myself good maybe 3 times. That is a pretty good track record. But did I have anybody to tell me, "Hey Trish, try a Lady Gillette."? Nope. Trial and error and many scrapes and nicks later.... Do genetic girls moms suggest things to try?

  I guess it seems strange that I have lived with women for umpteen years and I would still be kind of in the dark about this. But then again, it is not like I was able to have a show and tell with somebody who didn't even want me to shave my legs in the first place. And it is not like I ever invaded any of their private time. I dunno.... I know all this sounds weird... But what the hay....

  Say that I wanted to star in an erotic "shaving" movie. Would everybody laugh at me?

  "Oh.................. my........................ gawd. Do you ever look silly, Trish."
  What.
  "Don't you know? Women don't shave like that.... Oh man, Trish. Don't even make a movie."
  Well what do you think I have been trying to say. I never had anybody to show me. I have no idea if anybody did or if anybody even needed anybody to show them.

  And what of pubic hair. I see pictures in magazines of nude women that are not necessarily "real". I mean, they are sharing with the world very personal parts of them and I am sure they wish to appear "well groomed". Not to mention the "airbrush razors". I enjoy having my pubic hair shaped and trimmed neatly. As I am not a nude model, this is not a necessity, but I feel better about myself if I do it. Do genetic women who feel about themselves as I do about myself enjoy keeping their pubic hair shaped and trimmed neatly? Who knows.... I can't ask without it seeming, weird.

  Oh man... This whole entry is weird. But you know me.... I carry on.

  The varieties of pubic hair shapes are many. For my purposes here, I have made a diagram. Ha... I know I know....

  

  I myself over many years have tried many different things with regards to pubic hair. I have tried from Newborn all the way over to Cave Dweller. Oh man, I hate Cave Dweller. I have done Newborn probably about 5 times in my life, maybe more. Not for a few years though. (Newborn will really put the guilt factor on you if you have no self acceptance. That's another story from years ago.) Racing Stripe I like too, but my stripe always ends up being way too far to one side of the car and not in the middle. Ha.. Racing Stripes are way high maintenance. I am most comfortable with Between Stripe and Modern. Nobody ever spends a day at my races anyway.

  "You okay, Trish?"
  Yeah.

  And there is also the matter of professional people like my endocrinologist maybe getting the wrong impression of why I am transitioning. Like maybe it is all about shaping pubic hair for me or something. Hey, I know that is a little paranoid, but when you are jumping through the Harry Benjamin hoops, you don't want to take any chances. So if I am doing the Racing Stripe thing, a couple of weeks before my endo appointment I will head on over to Modern. It's always something.

  Anyway, I have seen my fair share of nude women in life and I can say that between "Newborn" and "Between Stripe and Modern" it is obvious that there is some maintenance going on. But then I have seen Moderns also and I just don't know if there is upkeep there or that's just the way their hair grows.

  "Trish, you are kidding with all this, right?"
  No, I'm not....
  "Here, you might need this rope."

  It's not like I haven't been doing this long. I have been shaving for years..... and years.

  I dunno..... Sometimes I just need to know that I am not a shaving caveman. I need to know that I share some commonalties with genetic women. I need some reassurance. I have issues. Surprise, huh. Dang. It is not like I can just go around asking. I do know that we are all different.

  And what does it all matter. It probably doesn't matter at all. Like I wrote before, the outcome is what is desired and neccasary: a body that is free of hair where I don't want any hair. I guess I can just file these thoughts under "All Those Little Things That I Don't Know Because I Did Not Grow Up As A Genetic Female".

  Please forgive me. This entry kind of took on a life of it's own. Some things are really not necessary to discuss, but like I said earlier, you know Trish. I have to laugh when I read this back. I needed the laugh anyway, even at my own expense. But, it's all true for me. Would I lie about my pubic hair? Ha... Don't you love the diagram? Oh man... As they say, "It's in the can now".

  I have therapy tomorrow morning (thank goodness). I think after reading today's entry back, I need it. I refilled on credit card my spironolactone on Friday, so I am good to go for a while. I will have to refill my estradiol (on credit) soon. Hey, if they come after me for money, at least I will have my hormones. I would like to see those repossessed ....from my cold dead fingers.

   

  I was just sitting on my front porch and a woman walking her dog
  turned to me, smiled and said hello. That is so cool. That never used to happen.
  Trish

Sunday, June 16th, 2002

• The word of the day seems to be, "deep".

  I have been on Hormone Replacement Therapy for two years, as of today.

  I remember the first day I started HRT. I was all like, "YAY! I am finally on hormones!" Then at six months it was like, "I have been on hormones for 6 months today. Glory be." In-between the six month mark and the year mark came that fateful night on Sunday April 8th 2001 when the shit hit the fan. I had taken some pictures of myself in the nude for my personal HRT progress files. Progress? Ha... Right... I saw none. I think that is the night that I started going into the depression that has lasted until this day. However, today's depression is not completely about that alone. The depression that I am in these days stems from much more, life in general. But that is the night that I think it started.

  Since that night the way I see myself (with regards to how hormones have changed me physically) is very much in based in RealityLand.. Some of my hopes and dreams are still somewhat in FantasyLand, but I am not fooling myself. I do not give myself the benefit of the doubt. If my body has undergone changes, it is going to have to go a long way to prove it to me. I hear and read of other transitioning women who have "amazed" their doctors with "such smooth skin and B cup breasts" in fantastically short periods of time after starting HRT. "I just totally blew them away! They had never seen such a response in such a short time before!" ....and we are talking women my age and older. If this is true, good for them, but it doesn't do much for me. I sometimes feel as though I am the only person for whom HRT has not worked physical wonders.

  Okay, it has been two years, just what have hormones done for me physically. Well, as little as I feel they have done, I would not give them up for the world. I have these little bumps on my chest that I sometimes refer to as breasts, however 90% of the time I feel that referring to them as breasts is pushing it. But Cher and Madonna (breast A and breast B) are mine and I love them. I feel protective of them. They have taken on sensitivities that only one who has them would understand. I never understood it before they arrived. It is like magic. That is all I can say, it is like magic, and they are mine. It even makes me weepy. I know, stupid, but it does....... I do not fill an A cup. I am holding steady it seems at an AA or an almost A. Genetics don't seem to be working for me as my Mom does fine in that department...... My legs require less shaving, maybe once a week, usually I go for two. At the end of two though, they pretty much need it. The hair on my upper arms is so light as not to notice. I know that there have been other changes, but they are too subtle for me to actually realize. Sometimes it almost seems to be an aura thing. You know it is there, you just don't know what it is.

  Then there is the libido/erection/masturbation thing. I was hoping those would be a thing of the past. I have of course written of this a lot. Erections are useless. They serve no purpose whatsoever. I still wish them and libido banished from TrishLand and I will look for ways in the future to annihilate them.

  I look at photos of myself from before starting HRT and now. There is something different about me, but I just.......... can't.............. put ............ my finger on it. So much of HRT is like this, for me.

  And now, the part of Hormone Replacement Therapy that seems to have had way more of an effect on me: emotions. This has been very rewarding for me. I don't know exactly why. It isn't always pleasant. Some emotions have shifted, some that were always there have been intensified and some are new to me. The violence thing.... Like I have said before, violence was always something that I could not deal with well. But often times I was like you have seen said before, morbid curiosity. You don't wanna "look", but you do. I now find violence intolerable. To see people in pain, to even think of it sends me off the deep end. I can no longer watch the news or even some programs depicting any sort of violence or injury. Loud noises, motorcycles, trash trucks, construction.... I have a hard time with them. My imagination you say? Overkill you think? Not the effect of hormones says you? I feel it is. This is one of the issues that has "intensified" for me. You are just going to have to go with me on this.

  I have always liked stuffed animals and dolls. Nothing has changed there. I guess HRT will not make you like Barbie® or Plushies any more then you already do or make you like them if you don't. Ha. There is a message in that statement if you look for it.

  I think that you might not think it from reading my diary, but my heart is so full of love. I cannot stop touching people in real time when it is appropriate. My heart has always been full of love. Jaded yes, but it carries on. Nowadays it is damn the torpedoes, I am touching if I want. This is one of the things that has "changed" for me. I always needed touch and to touch as anybody does, but now it seems as if the why I need touch and to touch has changed. There is not a goal to touching, it is not foreplay. There is just the need to touch, and be touched. It is as simple as that. At times I would give so much just to be held. Bedtime can be especially difficult, but that's okay. You are going to have to go with me on this also, for if you are not there, it is like with the "having breasts" thing, you can't know. It is deep babeee... Real..... deep.... It is also representative of so much more. I am not afraid to touch now. I am also not afraid to show that I need to be touched.

  In drab, I feel a "connection" with a lot of women that I come across day to day that was never there before. I always wanted it. Well, let me rephrase that. I always wanted it, but I didn't know what it was I wanted. It is like the "man shield" has been stripped away and women see me now for what I am. I am sure some of it has to do with electrolysis and waxed brows and some of the more "superficial" dead giveaways, but I feel that it is also kind of spiritual. Women seem to be able to read things about me. They "let me in" now. Whatever it is, it is wonderful. I can now be in their/our world. I hang my head in "utter not being able to communicate this properly" despair. I could be totally full of shit. But even if they are letting me into their world and treating me as anything other then a man (and not necessarily a woman) because they can pickup for whatever reason that I don't want to be a man (read: I am not a man), or gosh forbid they just think I am gay and do not pose a threat(ack), I will take it... at least for now. It is invaluable to my spirit. Being a woman with women is a part of what was missing my whole life. Being a man, or being seen as a man when with women had a piece missing. That piece was my ticket into a world that I so desperately needed to be a part of. That missing piece was Trish.

  Other things have "shifted" for me in the emotions department. Maybe they are not really even emotions, but I am going to include them in it. Even though I look into the mirror and I still see a man looking back at me in the physical sense, I can no longer relate to being a man at all. I am not in the man club. Something in me has shifted over on some sort of slide ruler and in my heart, mind and soul there is no man. Maybe I should have been there before starting hormones? Well, I wasn't, but I am now. Before starting hormones if you would have physically stood me in-between two groups of 10 people each, one group being men, and the other group being women, something in me would have said, "Trish, you fit in more with the guys, you ain't no girl.... Get yer butt over there." Oh man...... But now, there is no doubt that not just my interests, not just my needs but my everything belongs with the group of women. For more then one reason I just do not feel at all comfortable being in a group of guys. And I know darn well that I am gonna have to do that again with work and stuff. Oh man... The issues.... The issues. Oh damn... The closet... The closet.

  "Trish, don't digress, and........."
  And what.
  "Isn't it at times like this that you wished your communication skills were so much better?"
  You know it. This is so dang frustrating for me. I cringe at just about every sentence I write. There is just so much room for miscommunication and misunderstanding. And this is so important. Some of the feelings are just so deep that even I myself probably can't understand it. That is one of the reasons a time will come to just get on with it and leave all of this Transition Diary and transgender stuff behind. To just be. To just live and to stop trying to figure it out or explain it.
  "Oh c'mon Trish... You know you will never do that."
  Watch me.

  The way I look at men now, is different. And I do mean look at them. I really don't know if this is the hormones or just that I now allow myself to feel some things that I was afraid to feel before. I am totally of the opinion that hormones do not change your sexual preference. I am not coming from that direction. Men... Hmmmmm.... Well.... Let's just say that I am not afraid to find them cute now, or sexy now, or vulnerable now, or strong now, or huggable now, or on and on and on..... Maybe I just did not see myself as homosexual. That just didn't seem "right" for me. Perhaps hormones are helping me to feel right, in the right skin, and that skin is that of a woman. Perhaps I now feel "right" about finding men attractive. Sheesh, I dunno. (Let me throw in here that I do not find anything wrong with homosexuality, it just didn't feel right on me.) I just had an attack of Déjà vu. Did I write of this men thing before? I can't even remember. If I did, sorry.

  "Who ya talkin to, Trish?"
  Oh, I dunno.... You I guess.

  My need/want/desire for Gender Reassignment Surgery grows. (Can you say, understatement?) I think HRT might have something to do with this. Maybe while some parts of my mind and body are becoming more congruent, others parts of my mind and body are becoming less and less congruent. Maybe my mind is really starting to feel very strongly on it's own that, "You know what Trish? There are some improvements in this condo that are very cool and I really appreciate it, but hey, that couch just doesn't go with the rest of the furnishings."

  So now I have been on Hormone Replacement Therapy for two years and I am like, "This is nice. This is really, really nice. This is right. This is a state of being. This in some ways is what I thought it would be and in other ways nothing like anything I thought it would be. But it is right for me and never will I stop. HRT may not bring me everything that I wish it to, but... well..... " I am thankful that I live in a day and age where this is possible. No matter what I ever write in my Transition Diary, I am grateful for Hormone Replacement Therapy. Darn grateful.

  My unemployment benefits were discontinued after a phone interview with the Employment Development Department. It seems that since I quit the job at the fast food place, they will no longer cover me. Let this serve as a warning to anybody receiving unemployment benefits. I never thought I would say this, but if you are receiving unemployment benefits do not take a job unless it will pay you what you need to survive. I could be riding out unemployment right now and be eligible for thousands more if I had just not taken a shit job. That whole fast food job benefited me a total of $22. For $22 I lost thousands. Don't let this happen to you. I thought I was doing the right thing and I am now down to my very last dollars. I had my head up my ass as usual. The whole thing is a fiasco. Now due to this and the divorce which I am in the thick of, I am forced to move out and move in with my Mom. I will be moving in 4 weeks. This is for real.

  I was supposed to have visited my endocrinologist this last Friday but since I am broke I rescheduled for Friday, July 26th. I am hoping to miraculously have some money by then.

  I love you my son. Thanks for the pizza and being with me tonight. It was special.

   

  Day by day you're facing the changes you've been through, a little bit of living,
  a little bit of growing all adds up to you.
  The Brady Bunch

Monday, June 17th, 2002

• Somebody said some things to me last night.....

  ....that really made me feel stupid about what I had written yesterday, all the stuff about being on HRT for two years.. So, forget all that sappy stuff... Just ferget it.... HRT is making me happy, more or less.... Just leave it at that. Ferget all the other lovey dovey BS.

  There is no way to really communicate HRT's effects anyway other then to just give straight physical statistics and there ain't much of that goin on... so..................

   

  ....whatever.
  Trish

Tuesday, June 25th, 2002

• I took my son to tutoring this morning...

  ...and as I sat in the car watching to make sure he made it in safely, looking at my growing child walk along, I lost it. I pulled around to the side of the building, parked under the shade of a big pine and let it all out..... or a lot of it anyway.

   

  18 more days and we will no longer live together.
  Trish

Wednesday, July 10th, 2002

• I've been pretty busy.

  I am moving to my Mom's house on Saturday. Three more days. I have been putting the negatives of this out of my mind and have been trying to focus on the positive. The positive is that Trish will be living in an atmosphere of support (not enabling) and will be able to finally start doing some living. Not living in the sense of going out, having fun times, etc etc etc, but living in the sense of not hiding. Mom has been outing me to all kinds of folks in preparation. This is really good. In the best case scenario, I will finally have a place to be as female. I will write more of this once I am settled.

  I will deal with the negatives after I get there. I had therapy this past Monday and made another appointment for Friday July 29th. This is the same day as my endocrinologist appointment. It will be a long day of driving. 300 mile round trip easily. I have another electro appointment on Friday and I will try and work something out so that I can combine trips for the future, saving mileage. I don't have any good leads for an electrolysis person in the area that I am moving to yet. If and when I do find one (I don't want to), it is going to be very difficult to trust another person with my face.

  My son will be helping me move and he will be staying with Mom and I until the end of July. This is good. I know the day is coming when I am going to be hurting real bad over not living with him, but at least this puts it on hold for a couple of more weeks. Anyway, I am getting into the negatives and I don't want to do that, not just yet.

  I bought two cartons of cigarettes to take with me as my Mom's house is in the mountains. It is a flower/avocado farm, and getting to the store is a chore in itself. Can you say, "C'mon Hoss! Pull the buckboard round, we're goin into town!" ? I am very seriously considering quitting smoking as soon as these cartons are gone. I cannot believe I am still smoking anyway.

  "Yeah Trish... You said the minute you started Hormone Replacement Therapy that you were going to quit, and that was two years.."
  HUSH!

  There are really nothing but positives about quitting. It is just that right now smoking is my only solace, besides sleeping. It is not like I haven't quit before. I quit once for five years, and then for two years a few years back. Oh well, I need to quit.

  I still have much to do in preparation for Saturday. Friday I will be dismantling my computer (oh noooooo) so I wanted to make this Transition Diary entry before I do and while I have time to write a little. Mom knows how important my computer and my website are to me, so we will make arrangements for a dedicated phone line and my computer life should carry on. Thanks Mom.

  "So Trish, I guess I won't be seeing you here for a few days."
  What, are ya kidding? You have been with me a lot longer then since I have had a computer.
  "I said, here."
  Oh, okay. Sometimes I think you are the Angel that I booted out of my life sometime back. Except I love/loved my Angel.
  "You never know, Trish."
  What a weird twist that would be. Oh shit... I will have to consider this a little.

  So, no more entries (unless there is a crisis) until I am moved and get my computer reassembled, which hopefully will only be a few days from now. I gotta get a move on here.

   

  When I see you, I'll see you on the other side.
  Yes, I'll see you, I'll see you on the other side.
  Ozzy Osbourne

Saturday, July 27th, 2002

• Welp, I moved.....

  .... to my Mom's house. I don't have much time for this entry. We have been trying to install a dedicated phone line for my computer, but have run into nothing but problems. It is this "in the mountains" thing I guess. So I am on the main phone line right now and I don't like to keep it tied up for too long.

  It is pretty doggoned neat here. I finally have the opportunity to live as I feel I need to. I am out to everybody around and so far no problems. I dislike even including the "no problems" comment because what problems should there be. Idiots that don't like women I guess. Ha. Effin penis, etc.

  Anyway, my room is very cool. Every time I open my closets I feel like I am in a women's clothing and necessities store. I have space for everything . A place for everything and everything in it's place and that's the way I love it. Just plain..................... living, ya know? I am living pretty minimally though, but I want to start living that way anyway. My Mom, my son and I have made one long trip back to pick up what we could not fit in the cars on the first move and what has been left behind I have to find some way to put into storage or sell. Life's stuff. More 344 mile round trips in my future (Please Mr. Gasprices, go down). Just been real busy.

  My days of being awake 18 to 24 hours have kind of turned into 14 to 16 hours awake days. I have been going to bed in-between 11 PM and 1 AM if you can believe that. I had normally not been going to bed until 4 AM to 7 AM and not even falling asleep right away most of the time. I have been sleeping pretty well here at Mom's. I hope that continues. I told my therapist that for the last year or so, when I am going to sleep and I am getting to that spot that I am neither awake nor asleep, I have five or six nights out of seven been seeing car accidents, people being hit by cars and generally bloody and not too pleasant things. Many times when I see traffic start to happen I am able to open my eyes and make it disappear. But many times I do not do it in time and it is very violent and very scary. Up here at Mom's, in the last 2 weeks I think it has only happened about 3 or 4 times. This is good.

  I got up at 5:15 AM yesterday morning and made my first trip from here at my Mom's house to see my endocrinologist and my therapist. It is a 287 mile round trip turning what once took me the morning to do into a 12 hour trip with driving, traffic, traffic... and did I mention traffic? Fortunately I only see my endo about once every four months and my therapist every 3 weeks or so. It is my electrolysis that I am really concerned with. I have an electro appointment for next Thursday. Mom and I are going to make a day of it. My upper lip is really coming back in and I really don't want anybody to see me right now. I will get it done though, 400 mile round trip or not. I have spent a small amount of time sitting in my room in tears worrying about my stupid facial hair. It is so important to me to have it gone gone and effin gone. I have to. I have to. I will.

  All went well at my endo appointment. My weight is holding in the mid 130's. My blood pressure is fine. He did not take blood this time and I am pretty sure it is because he knows that I am unemployed and broke. I am finally at the dosage I want for my spironolactone. I am now taking 200 mgs a day instead of 175. It only took me 2 years to get him to let me take that amount. I am still at 6 mgs a day of estradiol. He did not want to up that to 8 mgs, not yet anyway. He examined my breasts and said that he did see changes. I am glad somebody does. Oh yeah, good news there for me. About 4 weeks ago I started feeling tenderness in them again, the tenderness that disappeared when I had switched from Premarin to estradiol (due to the Premarin shortage). They are not tender like they were on Premarin, but they are tender. Mostly centered around my nipples and spreading out a bit, not my entire breast. I am simple minded and I associate tenderness with change, or growth, so this makes me happy. True or not, I feel better. I love my chest, what there is of it.

  Therapy was good. Real good.

  My son helped me move and has been staying here with me. He will be leaving on Wednesday to go home to his primary residence with his mother. This will mark the beginning of our new lives more or less not living together anymore. I have been avoiding as much as I can thinking about it because I cry every time. I told my Mom that maybe the anticipation is worse then it will actually be. I have my doubts. I also have mixed feelings. I mean, I am not totally out to him and when he is gone Trish will have the opportunity to live more and more and more. That is exciting to me, but on the other hand I don't want him away from me so I feel like I shouldn't be excited about it. But still on the other hand it is inevitable that he leaves as his mother and I are divorcing so I should be excited. But I am so mixed I just don't know how to feel. My therapist said that yes, since it is inevitable that he goes home to his mother that I should let myself feel happy for Trish's life. Confusing. I am sure that when my son is gone, this page will be stained in tears on occasion. Please raise your hand it you are looking forward to this. DOH.

  My libido has been so skyrocketing. Dare I say it? I have been very horny. No erections to speak of (thank you), but damn. Maybe my upped daily spironolactone intake will help get rid of this. I have been dreaming of sweaty bodies touching. God the smells. Oh yum.

  "What's with the descriptive words here, Trish. Sweaty? Yum? I think we should try to keep it a bit more clinical."
  Ahem.... You are right of course. This libido that I don't like... I get carried away.
  "Okay, just watch it."
  I will. I mean I will try.

  But I hate this. As you know, in my present state (with penis) I will not have relations with anybody. Horny is not productive. Maybe I will find some time to masturbate soon. Maybe that will help. It has been quite a while since I last did that. I am in fact so (dare I say it) horny that I could probably write about it all day and as much as I detest masturbating Mr. Ugly, I am very much looking forward to the release and the chance to fantasize with abandon. Oh well.... so much for a little over two years on "libido and genital debilitating" HRT. Sucks.

  Employment? Yes, that is coming. I need to start looking in this new area when things settle.

  Except for the fact that I am pretty isolated up here in the mountains and miles away from the majority of my support system I have every opportunity to be very happy in my new (temporary) home. But I am just afraid to be happy or to say that I am happy for fear that I just don't deserve it or that it is bad karma for me. I can't shake it, but I am trying to.

   

  She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes,
  (When she comes).
  She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes,
  (When she comes).
  Unknown

   

   

  Trish's Current HRT Statistics (07/27/02):
  Hormone Regiment: 6 mgs estradiol and 200 mgs spironolactone once a day.
  Emotions: Better. I am out of Hell House and there is support here at Mom's. Not enabling, but support.
  Breasts: Some tenderness has returned. Makes me happy..
  Hips, Thighs and Bottom: Nope.
  Body Hair: Stable.
  Skin: Nothing.
  Erection Count: Discontinued for now... Since December 17th, 2001.
  Masturbation and Sexual Desire: (Dare I say it?) Horny.
  Trish Bottom Line: I am not sure. I feel okay. I need a few weeks to become a little more centered and to get a routine going.

Sunday, August 4th, 2002

• I was just putting on a little minimal....

  ....makeup this morning and I was thinking to myself that I have a few things to do today that will probably make the wearing of makeup kind of a pain.... dirty dusty unpacking kind of stuff. That reminded me of how I really want to get to the point where I don't have to wear much makeup. And that got me to thinking about how makeup is an essential part of the Real Life Test (RLT) and the required hoops you jump to get to where you want to go regarding transition and the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. And that got me to thinking about how I am looked at kind of weird when I tell people that I don't absolutely love love love to wear makeup. Sure, I love makeup, but much more then that I love the freedom to wear makeup. I love that the option is available to me now.

  I guess that the bottom line for me is that I love love love all the options that are open to me now without prejudice. The clothes, the makeup, the colors, everything and the freedom to enjoy them should I wish. But a love for these trappings would not make me a woman. It is not a requirment to like "girlee stuff" to be a woman as it appears some would almost require of me and themselves. What makes me a woman is what is up here in my head whether I like it or not. Now I just need my naked body to match it.

  You could give me a twenty million dollars and tell me that I can only use it for makeup and clothes. That is a no go. If I could not use it for electrolysis, hormones and surgery, the money for the most part is useless to me.

  I love girlee stuff, but that does not make me a girl.

  "Trish, what in the hell are you talking about."
  I dunno.

  Anyway.....

  My Mom is feeding me like I am an oinker. There is so much food here. But I am trying to eat as little as possible to save money. The first week I was here I ate a lot, but now I am cutting back. My weight is holding in the mid 130's as I said in my last entry. Money is still a huge worry for me but I have been able to kind of put it out of my mind. I paid my electro person in quarters that I had saved. I will have to do the same with my therapist and the next electro appointment. About the only real expense I have right now it my Visa bill. If I think about it, I get scared.

  Speaking of electo, last Friday Mom and I made a day of it and went to my appointment. We also stopped at a pharmacy close to where I lived to pick up the balance of my spironolactone script. Oh, and we went by "my house" to pick a few things up. I saw my son briefly. It was a long day, a four hundred mile round trip. It was good to have my upper lip cleared (again). I had not been ma'am'd in drab for a long time. On the way back I was ma'am'd. Electro makes a difference. I have another appointment in three weeks on a Monday. I have combined the long trip with a therapy appointment.

  I didn't open my eyes in time last night and saw a woman hit by a car. Scared the shit out of me.

  My libido is still drving me a little nuts but I have not masturbated like I said in my last entry that I would do. I really need to, but I just keep saying.... no. I guess one thing that stops me is the "man mess", even though it has diminished a lot via hormones, it still screams, SPERM! I hate it. Fuck yeah. I hate it. It is just so twisted that something that gives me some pleasure is something that I want out of my life, off of my body..... gone. Old news.

  My breasts have been pretty sore. I like this. I bumped Madonna (left breast) the other day and oh man.... did that hurt. It hurt so good. I know that genetic women might read this and say, "What is so great about sore breasts? What are you, crazee?" Yes, I am crazy enough to take hormones. You can be you without effort. I have to fight to be me. I cannot take it for granted. I like sore breasts. It feels like...... victory.

  My son went home to his mothers house on Wednesday. We no longer live together. So far it has not hit me too badly. Just one or two times. I still feel like this is not all very real. Maybe when reality sets in......

  Everything is going pretty good except for my son, money, and I need to keep electrolysis and hormones going..... But Trish is starting to live now. I think I cannot write anymore for today.

   

  And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon.
  "When you coming home, son?"
  "I don't know when, but we'll get together then, dad. You know we'll have a good time then."
  Sandra Chapin

---

Friday, September 6th, 2002

• So far.....

  ...my spirits and moral are going pretty much up since moving to my Mom's house.. It is so nice after so many years of getting up to face the day full of people (with the exception of my son) who did not want me around my own home. I have things to do here. I can help with house work and know that what I do will not be undone by somebody who is....less then tidy. It is so nice to not have to wonder every time I turn the corner if somebody is angry with me. Mom and I have a great time together. We always did. Nobody has been hostile to me in weeks. I can breathe.

  My surroundings are bright, clean and cheerful. I have all I need. There are no men in this house. I am learning many new things that I did not learn while growing up male. There is quite a bit of work, but it is enjoyable. I am helping around here as much as I am able. Mom is going way above and beyond the call of duty with me. I am very very very very fortunate.

  There are still the pangs of pain and fear. My son. He is so far away. I still need employment and so far there seems to be nothing. I am far far from my electrolysis person and I have had to cut my time back to once every three weeks (This will not stop me). I have combined more then once since moving to Mom's house my electro and therapy days so I can do both in one 400 mile round trip. I get up at 5 AM and it is a long driving day sometimes totaling 14 hours or more before I am home again. I am able to stop and see my son during this time which is really good even though they are short visits. Watching him blow kisses and wave bye to me as I drive away is becoming a little less difficult each time I do it.

  As I drive away from my son, I push it out of my mind. If I don't, I will lose it bigtime. Sometimes I wonder if I am cheating myself by not allowing the tears and pain to surface. I shared this thought with my Mom and she said that one day, it will probably hit me and come out, when it is time.

  I finally broke down and purchased (with Mom's help) reading glasses. I had been prescribed them once or twice since young, but this is the first time that I can actually say, "Oh shit, I can see that." I am reading all the time now. It has been a long time since I have been able to really do that easily. And yes, they are women's frames.

  Mom and I went to dinner last night at a little resort overlooking a beautiful lake. Oh man it was pretty. We were meeting a woman friend of my Mom's (now a friend of mine also) and her sister. As Mom and I arrived first we were seated and just talked and waited for our friends to join us. When they did our friend was anxious to tell me that the hostess had said to her, " The two ladies that you are meeting have been seated." Pretty neat as I felt somewhat not great about my appearance. I had on jeans, a gray sweatshirt, my little suede shoes and just minimal *in-between" makeup. I was not expecting to be seen as female at all.

  We had been watching the house for our friend while she was out of town and as a thank you, she brought to the restaurant for me a gift bag of Victoria Secrets fragrances and bath articles (Pear Glacé, oh yes...) A short time later the waitress came over with a few helium balloons and tied them to our centerpiece. She said that she had seen me looking at the Victoria's Secret and thought it was a special occasion so she "borrowed" a few for us from a party on the other side of the restaurant. Nice, huh? Well, it was a wonderful evening in a beautiful place with really neat people and conversation. AND, I was seen as female the entire evening. "Ma'am's" abound. Just when you least expect it.....................

  Our friends asked me if I was going to seek employment as Trish. I told them that I cannot. I need an income at this point. Among other things there is no way to complete electrolysis with a job as Trish. I have seen friends agonize because they cannot let their facial hair grow while full time. You need this as the electro person has to have something to grab. Nothing like makeup with whiskers popping though, huh? Can you say for sure give-a-way? Our friends also asked me if I could live with never having Gender Reassignment Surgery. Feeling my Mom's presence to the left of me, and also feeling her wait to see what I would say, I said, "No." The way I felt when I said no was almost like this heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders. I as much said, that without surgery, it is over. Silence for a minute. This is how the moment felt to me. Mom and I have talked about surgery, but this was somehow different. It just felt like a moment of truth. I am not sure why.

  Oh.... cajun chicken, I had cajun chicken and it was good.

  Going to the little Outpost store here is not like I would have thought it would be in the days of being in the closet. I go in there, kinda drab but with my nails polished peach and such and I would have thought in redneck territory like this I would maybe have a few problems... But nope. "That's really pretty. What color is that?" the girl behind the counter asks me. "Thank you. It's peach, kind of a peach" I say to her. She says, "I have some very similar to that. I really like it." "Me too", I say back. We say our "see ya next time's" to each other and I am off. All of those years of being frightened to do what I enjoy, to wear what I want to wear, to be who I feel I am. What a waste. I am not in dreamland. I know that I will have a bad experience sometime, but in 3 years nothing yet. That has to say something about the percentage of people who just don't care..... or who do, just bassackwards then the way I thought they would. They either think I am female (although I am still amazed when it happens), or it is just not as bad out there as I had thought it would be.

  Last Wednesday I made the 180 mile trip the courthouse where I used to live. This, for divorce proceedings. I was totally prepared to be the big loser and in the long run I just may be. But in the short run it looks as though I will be receiving a small amount (a very small amount) of money that I had put into our house over the years. This is good as I was expecting to leave there with nothing but my tail between my skinny white legs. The bottom line is I guess that I am not losing as big as I thought I would and the day was not as painful as it could have been. It was obvious that the other divorcing couples in the courthouse that day were going through a lot of grief. It was downright scary. If I can give any credit at all to my soon to be ex-wife it is that she is not trying to totally rape me. We have behaved like................... adults. Go figure. I sent in hopefully the last of the documents for the judge to sign and with any luck at all this will be over soon and I will be a single woman. Yep, woman. Still many concerns, but things are looking better, for now... Now I only hope that none of the "what if''s" I have going though my brain come to be.

  One thing is for sure: When I come out of the other end of this marriage, I can say that in 19 years I was always faithful. I never ever looked at another person. Take note future suitors... Ha...Oh yeah, like I am gonna do this again... I think not... I think.

  I still have not masturbated although there are times I tell ya...... That is not really important at this entry, just kind of a follow up.

  There are tarantula's and scorpions and raccoons up here, oh my.... Which is proving one thing more and more everyday: I am a suburban/city girl or maybe just a suburban/city girl who needs somebody to keep the tarantula's, and scorpions and raccoons away from her. Heeeeeelp Mr. Wizard! I don't wanna be a park ranger! I dunno.. I still want/need to be taken care of. I know you think that sucks and is irresponsible and weak... But who said I can't take care of somebody else in my way, in return. I know it goes both ways. I can be good. I can be real good. I can be very good. I will never have it anyway. Too many "issues". That is not a poor Trish thing, that is a too many "issues" thing. Old subject that I have written of before and probably will again and again because of an inner need that goes unfulfilled.

  I have not really seen my friends in months now, one in particular and I am really missing them/her. I hope to see them soon. Going down the mountain is not something you do unless you really have to. The drive to the bottom is be the equivalent of a trip to the liquor store and back where I used to live. So I don't see much of anybody.

  It has been over a month since my last entry. I cannot believe that. I have just been busy here plus my computer is not in an area of the house that I can be uninterrupted, so keeping a train of thought is sometimes more difficult for me then usual. In that month my breasts/chest have/has been sore every day. Oh yes I am glad for this. My emotions have been improving as my surroundings are so much more positive now. I still have that crying thing going on from time to time but that doesn't bother me at all. It feels good to be able to. I have been eating good, usually once a day still and my weight is holding at 135. My hormone supply is holding out and I hope that it will last until some things are settled. I have been using money that I saved for years and years in a Sparkletts bottle to pay for electrolysis and my therapy. I hope that will stretch a bit more also. I owe for my last endocrinologist visit and that gets a little scary.

  Trish is coming along. Just please God keep it coming. Trish is living. I am so out to everybody and it feels great. No real angst for this entry. Isn't that good?

  "To tell you the truth, Trish, it's boring as all Hell."
  Sorry.
  "Hey, there's still time, chickadee."
  Please don't say that.
  "Say what."
  Thank you.

   

  I blow a kiss to Mr. Closet who is fading, fading, fading into the distance.
  I know you will be back from time to time, but you are slowly leaving my life.
  I also know that you will enter my life once again in a big way when I am employed,
  but I swear that one day I will kick your dismal ass into oblivion.
  Trish

---

 

---